LEANNA MAE .ORG - the scroll

First aid and wellness supplies for your home

20/1/2021

This is how I stock my first aid and medications closet. How do you do yours? If you would add anything to this list, feel welcome to comment. You are also welcome to print this out and check things off as you build your supplies.

VITALS & BASIC ASSESSMENT

stethoscope
blood pressure cuff
pulse oximeter
thermometer
glucose monitor
pen light
tape measure and/or ruler that can be cleaned
otoscope
pen and paper for documentation
permanent marker

PROTECTION

nitrile gloves
safety glasses
face masks: N95s, surgical masks
gowns or disposable coverings

BLEEDING / WOUNDS

alcohol swabs
bandages of all sizes
tape, couple rolls
gauze
various dressings
tegaderm
steristrips
super glue or liquid stitches
peribottle (flush wounds)
hemostatic agents
tourniquet

BURNS

burn salve ***Make sure to keep some of this in the kitchen.
aloe vera gel

INJURIES

compression bandages
sling
splints
ice packs

AIRWAY AND CPR

adult mask and valve
pediatric mask and valve
bags to go with different size masks

OTHER SUPPLIES

hypothermia blanket
duct tape
safety pins
tweezers
some cotton balls and Q-tips
eye pad
trauma shears
a pocket knife
flashlight
batteries for everything that needs it

SANITIZE

disinfectant wipes and spray to sanitize
hand sanitizer
ziplock bags for soiled items

OINTMENTS & SPRAYS

betadine (antiseptic)
antibiotic ointment
hydrocortisone cream
calamine lotion
diaper rash cream (for chafed skin)
eye wash
Dermoplast
Icy Hot
oral pain gel

MEDICINES

headache medicine of preference
Pain medicines: Acetaminophen
NSAIDs: Aspirin, Motrin (Ibuprofen, Advil), Naproxen (Aleve)
Allergies and colds: antihistamines, preferred allergy medicine, cold medicine, cough syrup, cough drops, tissues
Anti-nausea meds
anti-diarrhea meds
antacids (Tums)
activated charcoal pills

TO ADMINISTER MEDICINE

syringes to give liquid medicine
measuring cups
droppers
pill cutter
pill crusher
bottled water near the first aid section, replaced every 3 months

What would you add?

The monetary costs of becoming and being a doula

2/12/2020

There is a wide range of expenses here. Many things are optional, but recommended. Doulas may spend thousands getting everything started or they may invest in these things slowly after they have been hired and paid by clients. Bare bones – you don’t have to be trained, certified, or have any other credentials (example, lactation specialist). Most of us take a training. Many are not certified. A lot of birth workers start out with one thing and add to their credentials over time as they have the time and money.

The purpose of this blog is not to deter you with the monetary costs of having this small business; it’s to reiterate that this passionate work is a legitimate small business. Like all types of business, financial planning and money management is a must.

We’re going to look at 5 areas.

Becoming a doula
Starting your business
Yearly and monthly expenses of maintaining your business
The cost you invest in serving each client
Continuing education

Becoming a doula

Taking a doula training
- The required reading – There are usually several books you need to read. I recommend reading those before you attend the workshop.
- The workshop or training program itself
- Traveling to the workshop: gas or plane ticket + transportation, hotel stay, groceries, eating out ***Note: If you choose a training that is fully online, there is no expense of traveling to the workshop. If you have a local training available within driving distance of your home, your only expense is gas.
- Fulfilling certification requirements – This will vary depending on your training program.

Starting your business

Making it official

Making an appointment with an accountant to discuss what type of business to file, what you need to keep track of, etc…
Registering your business with your state
License requirements

Getting your name out there

Website
- Domain – This is your website name or URL. For example, mine is www.LeannaMae.org
- Website creator and host
- Optional: Website designer
Social media – One of the few things that is free
Graphics for your website and social media
- A business logo
- Stock photos for your website – There are free options (Pixabay, Pexels, and Unsplash) and paid options (local photographers, photographers nationally that will sell their work, iStock, Shutterstock, Getty Images, Abobe, and many more)
- Infographics that you either make or hire someone to make
Professional photos of you for your website, social media, and promotional materials
Business cards
Promotional items such as cards, flyers, shirts, hoodies, totes, hats, water bottles, etc….

Preparing to practice

Paperwork
- Purchasing a contract (You can also make your own)
- Having an attorney review your contract
- Custom made welcome packets
- Purchasing a curriculum for prenatal appointments
Teaching tools for prenatal appointments, postpartum appointments, and lactation support
Apparel:
- You may need to buy work clothes and appropriate shoes.
- You may want to buy shirts that say “doula” on it.
- You can have polo shirts with your logo or title custom made to wear to births and appointments.

Yearly and monthly expenses of maintaining your business

Yearly

Filing taxes as a business
Renewing your business license
Renewing your vendor’s license if you sell anything
Renewing your website domain

Monthly

Website monthly fees
Business cell phone
Optional: malpractice insurance
Optional: health insurance as someone who is self-employed
Marketing expenses – This cost will vary significantly depending on your marketing methods and available budget

The cost you invest in serving each client

Consultation appointments

Child care
Meeting the potential client at a café or public place:
- Gas money to get to the location – many doulas serve a wide area so you may be driving an hour one way to meet someone
- The cost of whatever you order at the coffee shop or casual meeting place
Optional items to give the potential clients:
- A welcome packet with a folder
- a copy of your contract
- list of what your services do and don’t include
- magnet
- flyer
- and anything else you want to include in there

Appointments: Intake, each prenatal, and each postpartum

Child care each time you have to leave your house
Possibly pet care if you are traveling a longer distance
Gas money to and from the client’s house
Paper and ink for anything you print out
Teaching tools

The birth

If you are a new doula who still has a regular job or a doula who only takes clients once in a while, you may have a regular job that you have to call off or leave when someone goes into labor or call off if you’ve been at a birth all night. There is the loss of pay there. You also highly risk being fired from most jobs.
Child care is a very big expense for many doulas. You may have to pay for the child care by the hour PLUS doulas also often pay a sitter to be on call for each birth.
If you live alone, you may need to pay for pet care. You cannot leave your pets alone for long periods of time. If you are going to be gone longer than 12 hours (at the most!), you have to have someone check in on and care for your pets.
Gas, travel expenses
Hospital parking
Food and drink to pack or buy while you are working
Doula bag items
Support supplies you provide as gifts or supplies that will need to be replaced
Paper and pen to keep notes

If you have a backup

On call fee (Some doulas may back each other up and cancel out that on call fee)
If you need to call in the backup, you’ll likely pay by the hour with a minimum of hours needed. Example, $40 an hour with a minimum of 4 hours when called in.

Continuing education

Maintaining your certification as a doula – some programs offer permanent certification while others require renewal. The frequency of renewal or maintaining current status will depend on the program. To renew, you may only need to pay a fee or show proof of CEUs. Sometimes they require proof of actively working.
You need to get certified in first aid and BLS. Always stay current on this. Take an in-person training such as The American Heart Association or the Red Cross.
You may also want to get certified in neonatal resuscitation.
Lactation support
Bereavement support for perinatal and infant loss
Workshops such as Spinning Babies, rebozo training, business training, etc…
Gaining credentials in related work such as becoming a childbirth educator or anything you want to add on to your birth business

To sustain a doula business, you have to

Have a return on your investment of becoming a doula and starting your business
Make back what you put into buying teaching tools and support supplies
Break even on your yearly and monthly expenses for each year
Cover the cost of serving each client for the birth and all the appointments
And be able to pay the bills you have to pay to continue being available for this on-call job

As you can see, there are a lot of expenses to being a doula. Make a budget accordingly. Think about the investment you have to put in to offer these services. Here are several self-reflection questions.

How many births a month are you willing to take?
How many inquiries are you actually getting per month?
What do you need to charge to break even on expenses of serving each client plus the yearly/monthly expenses of staying in business?
What do you need to charge to make a living wage at your ideal number of births per month?
What other sources of income do you or can you have that will not interfere with your ability to be on call for the births?

I hope this blog has been helpful to you. Doula work is an amazing profession! It is a tough small business to run – especially when doulas are monetarily undervalued – and burn out rates are high. Charge your worth!!!

Becoming Apostolic Pentecostal, Backsliding, and Coming Back

9/11/2020

Last week was one year since I came back to church. It's hard to believe it's only been a year because so much has changed. My life has truly been transformed. I was lost and he came looking for me, pulled me back to where I needed to be, and worked on my wounds while I hesitantly grew roots in a faith I once thought I had to walk away from forever. I remember the moon and stars shining over the church that night as I arrived to evening service. I was shaking and red with anxiety. It was that life-changing; it's ingrained in my memory, the moonlit parking lot. That decision was one that redirected my lifestyle.

How do I explain what it means to be Apostolic Pentecostal? How could I possibly explain the atmosphere of a church service, the worship, the praises of the people, and the sermons spoken with conviction? I don't have enough pages to tell of the miracles, the testimonies, and the transformations you'll find. I know the blind who have been healed. I've seen the disabled walk again. I've seen the addict recover, the people with debilitating anxiety find healing, chains broken, breakthroughs happen, and lives changed. I can feel the presence of God in the church stronger than anywhere I've ever been. There is Holy Spirit fire. There is power. There is revelation.

Perhaps, I feel the difference as distinctly as I do because I haven't always been among these people and I haven't always known truth. I was atheist. I didn't even know God. I was lost. He called me out of darkness. He journeyed with me patiently. He led me to where I need to be. I became a Christian in 2005 at 17 years old. I became Apostolic Pentecostal in 2011. For the steps from 2005 through 2010, check out my blog series on my faith journey. On 2011 January 30th I stepped into an Apostolic church for the first time.

Becoming Apostolic

This place was different
"I believe you're my healer" was the song they were singing my first day there. The atmosphere was different. I'd been to many, many churches. Some places feel empty. Other places you can feel the Holy Spirit. There was something about the Apostolic church that the first time I tasted it I craved more. I wanted to go back. I wanted to walk deeper. I wanted to live in the faith. I'd never experienced anything like it. The worship is powerful. The sermons are lively. The services change your week. I don't know how to explain it. All I can say is give it a try. Come for a visit.

Revelation
There was a lot of new information and things I had never heard of. I had never heard of baptisms being done in Jesus' name. I had never heard anyone speak in tongues before. I was drawn to it, though I didn't understand it. I had never heard of Oneness (as opposed to the doctrine of the trinity). I wasn't a new Christian, but these people went deeper than a lot of other churches. I had definitely never heard of holiness standards or anything like it. I remember it was the first time I'd ever been in a room where most of the women were wearing skirts or dresses and had long hair. Most of them don't wear makeup. They looked different. I thought there was such a beauty to it. These people lived differently. They strive to be set apart.

Questions and hesitation
I had so many questions. It took me several months to go over things and decide what I believed and if this type of church was where I belonged. There were a lot of things I needed to study. There were things I didn't understand, especially with holiness and how they live differently. Some things I received revelation on through bible study and prayer. Other things I didn't understand right away, some understanding came over the years. There's a few things I differed on, mainly with standards and appearance. Regardless, my soul craved the fresh water at this church.

Transformation
I started there at the end of January. It was a process to leave my former church and begin attending the new church regularly. We did a bible study. I received the Holy Ghost in March and got baptized in Jesus' name in May of 2011. I remember seeking after the Holy Ghost. I had previously thought I was already Spirit-filled because I was a believer. After doing a bible study, I studied the scriptures and realized in the New Testament church people prayed to be filled with the Holy Spirit (it didn't happen automatically) and they had the evidence of speaking in tongues. I had seen people at church praying in the Spirit. I'd been around it for a couple weeks. I read those bible verses and stories over and over again. I wanted it! I wanted what they had. I was too shy to seek it in church though. I was actually at home by myself! It was around 10 o'clock at night. I was listening to Apostolic worship music and praying about it. I wanted to be Spirit filled and everything it meant. I wanted God living inside of me, guiding me, growing me. I actually wasn't seeking to speak in tongues. I expected to speak in tongues because the bible says you will. I was seeking to be Spirit filled. I trusted that when it happened God would give me the evidence. So, I prayed and I pressed into prayer. I knew I was getting close. I knew there was more. I kept pressing into prayer, and I remember the way it felt like a touch of God when I started praying in tongues. I let it take over. It was beautiful. It's an experience that can't be denied. I realized after I got the Holy Ghost that there is a difference between being near the Spirit versus actually having the Spirit live inside you. There is a power there. The presence is so much stronger. The bible says we must be born again, born of the water (baptism) and born of the Spirit. And I remember what it felt like getting baptized in Jesus' name. I got baptized twice. The first time was in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit at a Southern Baptist church. The second time was in the name of Jesus at an Apostolic Pentecostal church. I had been studying baptism a lot, and wanted to do it exactly the way they did in the book of Acts. It felt different the second time. I understood what baptism meant and I believed that it cleansed me. I felt different coming up out of that water. There is power in Jesus' name! Doctrine can be debated, but personal experience cannot. I will testify of these things through the scriptures and also through my own experience. I've been on both sides. I'm telling you the Apostolic Pentecostal church is different. I changed a lot of my lifestyle and my appearance. I was regularly attending church, Sunday school, prayer meetings, and events. I was on fire for God. I even wrote a book, The Subject of Salvation: a topical bible study. I wanted to share this truth I'd found with the whole world. As a former atheist, I had such a strong heart to bring people to God. I wanted to teach bible studies. I wanted to show the world what I had found.

Backsliding

How it happened
I say this as a warning. Backsliding is often a slow fade more than a quick slip. Like many, I started fading while I was still actively attending church. The enemy knows your weaknesses and your temptations. I didn't stop attending church all at once. I began skipping here and there because I was so busy. Midweek service became optional. I didn't have time for prayer meetings. I was exhausted by the end of the week and wanted to stay home on Sundays. I was so tired. I was so overwhelmed. I was consumed with anxiety. I began to stay at home. At the same time, I was slipping in other ways. Losing my convictions, making compromises, and socializing with people who were far from living right. And then one day I realized I hadn't been to church in months. It wasn't even an intentional decision. Once you get in the habit of not going, for some reason it gets harder and harder to make yourself go. It was the end of 2014 when I began falling away. I went a few times in 2015. It became a once or twice a year thing. Maybe I'd show up for Easter out of obligation or maybe I'd go on a day that I thought I could fade into the crowd hoping no one would ask me where I had been.

Loss of direction
I had lost my way. I was so far gone. Everything became questionable. My convictions were eroded. My mind was confused. By the way, God is not the author of confusion. Temptations before me, sometimes a bottle beside me, I felt like I couldn't go back. In the meanwhile, many people left the church I had been calling mine. A lot had changed. It wasn't the same. One thing that really bothered me was being on camera. It made me so nervous. I would have panic attacks every time I tried to go to church. If I planned on going, I'd suffer terrible insomnia for multiple nights until I declared I wasn't going. Anxiety ruled my life. I'd try to go to church and I couldn't push through the anxiety. My prayer life was a remnant of what is used to be. I needed a compass, but I couldn't see clearly.

Diluted by the world
Over time my faith watered down even though my core doctrines stayed the same. I was still Oneness. I still fully believed that baptism should be in Jesus' name. I still agreed with Apostolic views on salvation. I still loved God. But I felt like I couldn't be Apostolic anymore. It's not that I didn't want to be. It's that I thought I couldn't be. My sins in the front of my vision, I had lost sight of grace. Too stubborn to repent, I lost the will to seek forgiveness. My struggles wrapped chains around me. My anxiety consumed me. My mind confused me. My compromises I'd made weighed on my mind daily. I didn't want to be this way. I didn't want to look this way. I didn't want to live this way. Yet I couldn't be "holy enough" to be Apostolic. I couldn't discipline myself into not struggling. So, I made compromises. I traded my skirts for "normal" jeans. I painted my face with makeup. I stopped talking religion so much. I chased after empty things. I finished bottles that brought no peace. I smoked as if that momentary calm-down would bring relief. I gambled as if money would solve all my problems. I identified in ways that Christians shouldn't. I owned struggles that silenced my faith. I kept my distance from those churchy folk because surely they were judgmental and wouldn't accept me for who I really am. I wanted to belong, but firmly believed that I didn't fit in. I wanted to go to church, but wanted to not want it anymore. I had been out of church for several years. I didn't think I'd ever go back to the way I used to be. I sat in darkness and tried to accept my demons as a part of me. I was in chains. I felt torn in half. It felt like my faith was tearing me up. In reality it was sins and bondage that was tearing me apart. My faith was trying to pull me away because I had roots in truth. My conclusion was that I would feel better if I walked away from church.

Coming Back

I left church forever
I left the church. I officially and formally decided to be done with church. I hadn’t been “in church” in years. It was October of 2019. October 13th to be exact. That was the day that I closed the chapter. I had been wanting to leave church. I had been saying for quite some time that I didn’t want to follow a denomination, didn’t want to follow a church, I just wanted Jesus. I didn’t want the mess. I felt like I couldn’t be Apostolic Pentecostal anymore. It’s not that I didn’t want to be. It’s that I thought I couldn’t be because I lived differently and wasn’t holy enough and never fit in. I needed closure. So, I decided to attend a final church service. A friend met me there and knew what I was doing. I could barely make myself go. I couldn’t stand being there. For some reason, I felt like I didn’t belong in church and shouldn’t be here. I couldn’t wait to leave. I spent half the service texting a friend. Finally service was over. I said hi to a few people. And I walked out those doors.

God pulled me hard to another church
Something in me wouldn’t stop saying I should visit that Lighthouse church. Even before I decided to leave the church, the thought of that Lighthouse church was on my mind for some reason. They have an evening service. I declared that I just officially left church for good. God said no. I hadn’t even made it home and he redirected my steps. He pulled me to go to the Apostolic Lighthouse Church (ALC Dayton) on Harshman Rd. I’d never been there, but I’d always felt drawn to that church even before I was Apostolic. It had been on my mind to go there for months. I’d wanted to visit for several years. I said no. Did you hear me? I’m done with church! I’m not like these people. I’m not holy like that. I can’t live up to that. Just leave me alone. God pulled me hard. I felt compelled to go there. I argued. I finally decided to go. I didn’t know anybody there. I didn’t even know if they still had an evening service. I went to the 6:30pm service. Did I not just officially declare that I was leaving church? I’d been thinking about it for over a year. I’m. Not. Like. Them. And yet there I was. I was angry. I was hurt. I had so much going on in life. My life had fallen apart. I was struggling so bad. My anxiety was through the roof to the point that it was debilitating. I was broken. I just sat there wondering why God insisted I be there. Was it the sermon I needed to hear? Did He have a message for me or something? I mean, really, why did He call me there? I sat there in my purple flannel and purple dreamcatcher earrings with dark purple lipstick mentally listing out all the reasons I couldn’t be Apostolic anymore. But I looked around that sanctuary and thought it was odd that it felt like home. And then the choir started. Wow. This is church. I felt God. This is what church used to feel like. I knew there was something there for me. I compromised and said I’d come here sometimes maybe once in a blue moon when I feel like going to church. I knew I had to come back.

A compass point and an anchor
That church service was an anchor for me. I had stumbled into the compass I had been missing. I redirected. I came back to church. I found myself in the presence of God. I walked into the Apostolic atmosphere I had been gone from for so long that I forgot what it was like. And, I came back. I started going there regularly. It wasn't even an active decision. I couldn't get it off my mind. I started going every week because I wanted to be there.

My own stubbornness
I told myself I would never join a church again. I didn't want to get attached. I was afraid I wouldn't fit in and that I'd never really belong anywhere. I was afraid I'd like it there and then people wouldn't want me once they got to know me. I was certain that I wasn't good enough for these church people. And what I found was a congregation of loving people who are truly welcoming of all. I found people that I connected with and felt that God intended for me to grow connections here. I was determined to keep my distance, claim my lone wolf card and always have one foot out the door willing to leave if there were issues. I did choose to remain independent of denomination and formal church membership. I feared stepping closer and reaching a cut off point of not being able to be involved. There are a lot of things in the Apostolic Pentecostal faith that I agree with wholeheartedly. There are a few things that I view differently. I still hesitate to let my guard down. I was quite adamant that I'd never join a church again. Yet I fell in love with this place and these people.

A change of heart
Immediately after getting back in church, things began to church. My anxiety turned to calmness. My panic attacks were replaced with peace. The desires of my heart began to change. The things I wanted to do were different. The way I dressed changed back to how I used to without it even being an active decision. I just did it. I did away with what I had come from. Some things changed soon after getting back in church. In other ways, I've grown in layers. I've come to understand some things that I never understood before. I have conviction on things now that is a new belief and new way for me. My mind has been transformed.

Am I really Apostolic?
This section wouldn't be completely transparent if I didn't acknowledge that some people do not consider me Apostolic. For some, being Apostolic is a matter of the core doctrines we all have unity in. For others, the criteria is more specific and downright stringent on holiness standards. Those standards vary somewhat from church to church. I do not follow standards. I agree with a lot of them and live the same way in almost every way I can think of. There are some things I'm actually more conservative on than most. There are other things I'm more liberal on, all of those are matters of appearance. But I don't follow a checklist of standards. I follow the bible the best I understand it. I follow my convictions. I follow God's voice in prayer. I do my best to follow the Holy Spirit leading me in everything. I'm not one to follow things I don't agree with or do not understand. Perhaps, if I had ever been given a list with scripture references or explanation of the biblical principles those standards are based off of, maybe it would be different. There are those who feel that because I wear jewelry (in moderation) or wore makeup until recently or wore pants, that I am not really Apostolic. I've come to accept those views are theirs. It's hurtful, yes. I don't think matters of personal conviction should be preached/followed like doctrine. I've seen too many people, especially women, fall away from church because there is often a stigma around not following standards. This has been my toughest area to navigate. It was one of the top things that kept me away from church and one of the top reasons I felt I couldn't come back. It's pretty much the only reason I won't join a church or claim the label of a denomination. Don't get me wrong; I absolutely believe in holiness as the lifestyle of God's people. I just have different views on what holiness means and what takes priority. So, to some who know me, they don't consider me really Apostolic. I suppose it means different things to different people. At the end of the day, I'm never going to go against what I believe God says so that I can obey or please man. If I feel God says something is wrong and I see that in scripture or biblical principles or if I feel conviction on that, I will not go against that! Even if my Apostolic peers think it's okay, I'm not going to compromise. On the other hand, if I have searched the scriptures and prayed over a topic and I feel God is okay with something, I won't go against that so I can fit in with people who have different convictions.

What it means to me

What it means to me to be Apostolic Pentecostal

It means believing Jesus is Lord and our God is one (Oneness doctrine).

It means being baptized in Jesus' name, having gone down in the water in His name, raised with him, and washed of your sins.

It means being filled with the Holy Spirit. It's experiencing speaking in tongues for the first time and being able to pray in the Spirit like that any time.

It means being set apart, sanctified as one of God's holy people. It's coming out of the sinful ways you were in and transforming to live according to God's ways.

It means we strive for a lifestyle of holiness and living righteously. None of us are perfect. We all fall short. We all need grace. Yet the bible commands us to live differently than the world and that is what we intend to do. Denominations, churches, and individuals have some differences on the specifics of what that means. That's okay. Keep the main thing the main thing.

Being Apostolic means to gather together and worship and praise. We go to church. We have church. We are the church. Being in an Apostolic church means having the liberty to worship unhindered and in your own way. We can raise our hands. We can reach out. We can jump if we want to. We can cry if we feel to. We can pray how we need to. We can pray each other into breakthrough. It's having leadership that allows the church service to be led by the Holy Spirit.

Being among Apostolic Pentecostals is to be among an atmosphere that touches heaven. It means faith that moves mountains. It is chain-breaking, life-changing, powerfully transforming, Holy Ghost presence atmosphere.

It is mine. These things are mine. THIS is me. These beliefs and way of living is my Apostolic Pentecostal identity. And I love it. I love being Christian. I love following Jesus. I love having an Apostolic Pentecostal church as my home and my community. It means so much to me.

A gentle invitation to the backslider

Come home. Find what you need. Push aside everyone's opinions. Press through whatever hinders you. Get into his presence. Let nothing stop you. Find a church where you can attend and belong as you walk your own faith journey with Jesus.

I had such a hard time writing this blog. I felt like I couldn't articulate what it means to be Apostolic Pentecostal. Then I realized that I can't. I can't write down words or tell stories that fully grasp what it means. The fullness of being Apostolic Pentecostal must be experienced.

When I closed my eyes and thought about describing what it means to be Apostolic, I saw one thing -- a praying church. I see the people gathered together, praise, worship, holy hands lifted up, and I hear the sound of prayer -- whispers and shouts, a people pressing into his presence, the angelic sound of a room full of people praying in tongues. I don't ever want to not be in those spaces. I'm so glad I listened to the pull. I'm so glad I pushed past what people may think of me and pushed into God's presence once again. Is he calling you to walk closer to him? Is he calling you to get back in church? Answer the call.

My journey choosing a denomination and finding a church after becoming Christian

5/10/2020

I can't remember the first time I went to church after becoming Christian. I think back on this and what stands out in my mind is the November 2005 night I knelt at my bedside praying for the first time after becoming a believer that day. I did not go to church for over a year after becoming Christian. I didn't know where to go and wasn't sure exactly what I believed yet. The idea of going to church made me very nervous.

Denominations were by far the most confusing thing to me as a new Christian. I was turned off by the idea of a nondenominational church. I felt like there was no clarity. There was a lack of straightforward statements on beliefs and a lack of detail when beliefs were mentioned. Everything seemed so vague. I started reading more about denominations and their history. I was suspicious of the newer denominations. I thought there could only be one right denomination, and surely it had to be the oldest. All of these newer denominations couldn't be teaching the original truth? I was seeking to get as close as possible to the New Testament. I didn't know as much church history as I do now. I ultimately chose to be Roman Catholic because of the timeline of when their church started. I also really liked the clarity that could be found in the catechism.

I picked a Catholic church and went every now and again. I found it quite boring. I don't even remember the first time I went there. It felt empty. We'd go through the motions. Stand, kneel, get up, repeat, do the hokey pokey, try to keep up with the rituals, and don't make any noise. Catholic churches are big, often beautiful, and very quiet. Oftentimes, I could barely hear the priest. There was little to no fellowship. I don't even remember the priest's name. The stained glass windows were purple. There was a lot of gold and fancy looking things. The building was one to impress the world. I always felt like a visitor. I rarely went. I do remember reading the Catechism of the Catholic Church cover to cover looking for clarity on understanding the bible that was still a confusing, foreign text to me. My faith was stagnant. I wasn't growing. I was trying to be a good Christian, but something was missing. I began to have questions on what was true. I started to question if the Catholic church really was the original church and the only true denomination.

A friend of the family had repeatedly invited me to her church. It's the Southern Baptist church up in town. I had always declined, being so stuck on following a denomination I thought it might be wrong to visit a church not affiliated with my chosen group. Visiting that church had been on my mind and I felt like going there. I remember driving there the first time. It was March of 2009, March 15th if I remember correctly. I got to the end of my road. If you turn left, you go to the Catholic church downtown. If you turn right, you go up to town to the Baptist church. I didn't know which way I was going to turn when I got in the car. I turned right. I went alone. I slipped in near the back pew on the left side. I don't remember what was preached that day, but I do remember my eyes watering because I felt something when I was there. It was the first time I had felt the gentle presence of God in a church service. Everyone was friendly. I filled out a visitor card. They mailed me a card to thank me for coming. I really wanted to go back. I began to research more about denominations and started researching the differences between Catholics and Baptists. I actually went in to talk to the pastor about it. We ended up talking for 3 hours that day, and I made up my mind not to be Catholic anymore because there was too much that was different than the bible. I became a regular up at First Baptist in town and decided to be Southern Baptist. That was spring of 2009. I formally joined the church. I got baptized in May. And it was there that I started reading the bible.

In Fall of 2009, one of my cousins wanted to start visiting churches. She came from a conservative church that staunchly taught anyone who leaves that denomination will go to hell. I told her I'd be happy to visit churches with her. I thought that sounded exciting. I have always loved religious studies. I particularly liked studying church history and the different denominations. I was really excited to do this project! I wanted to visit as many denominations as I could find locally and learn more about what they taught and how they differed from the others. I had read about their beliefs, but I had not experienced church services outside of about 3 denominations (Mormon, Catholic, and Southern Baptist). So, I made this big schedule. My cousin ended up not being able to go with me. I went everywhere by myself with the exception of a few times I visited churches with coworkers or friends. Many weekends I went to multiple church services a Sunday. People thought it was odd. They wanted to know what I was searching for. I wasn’t lost. I was wandering around on purpose. I felt like I was supposed to do this “project”. I wanted to explore churches. I was the visitor. It was a very unique experience. The things church folks do and don’t do were still somewhat of a foreign concept to me even 5 years into being Christian. I really enjoyed doing the project. I ended up doing
16 weekends over a 6 month time period
40 church services
at 31 different churches
of 20 different denominations and 5 non-denominational churches
It was awesome!
I blogged about the whole thing. I blogged about my experiences as a visitor, my observations, and what the church service was like. Sometimes I would share what the sermon was about or talk about how that church differed from others. I would share my reflections a lot and how I was growing. Mostly it was the experience. I would observe so many little details. Each church has its own culture. Some churches are very quiet, others are loud like a concert. Some churches ignore visitors, others greet. Some are friendly, some not so much. Some places you pass through, others ask for your contact info. The music style and the preaching style varies so widely. This was the first time I had experienced more modern lively music. I loved it! I had never been to a Pentecostal church before. I didn't think I would like it because I'm an introvert, but it ended being my favorite kind of church. People seemed very disapproving of me visiting different churches. I wasn't looking to find a new church. I was just exploring. In 2010 I finished the church visiting project and went back to First Baptist. In my heart, I knew it wasn’t over. I felt called to wander. Not all who wander are lost. Some are learning by exploring. There were some churches I wanted to go to that I ended up not having time in the project's schedule. There is one church that stands out in my mind. For as long as I can remember, I have felt drawn to that church. There's always been something about it. I wanted to add it to the schedule, but I already had 2 Pentecostal churches on the list. So, I didn't go. (Spoiler alert: That is MY church now!) Also at the time I had really started slipping in walk with God, my behavior, my self-discipline. I was smoking and gambling a bit buying those lottery tickets every week eyes fixated on getting rich. I had a mouth like a sailor. I wasn't thinking on godly things. I wasn't the way I felt like I needed to be. In September of 2010, I started praying for God to send me someone that would help me get on the right path. In October, that prayer was answered with a new co-worker.

In January of 2011, things changed. I had that co-worker who I considered to be a godly man. He seemed set apart from the mainstream. I was regularly going to church, but I wasn't living right or acting right. I certainly wasn't talking right. I can tell you that. He had something peaceful about him. I remember one night at work looking at him and thinking I can see God in his eyes (I know now that's the Holy Ghost when someone is Spirit filled) and I wondered why I couldn't see that in anybody at my church. He invited me to his church. I actually really wanted to visit his church because I wanted to see what kind of church could produce such a godly man. I thought it would just be a visit. I've been to many, many churches. I had never heard of Apostolic Pentecostal before. I wasn't really familiar with their beliefs. There was a Pentecostal church I had visited more than any other church when I did the church visiting project. There were only two churches I visited that I went back to. That Pentecostal one was huge and I enjoyed the services there. I used to go every now and again when I "needed my Pentecostal fix". I walked into that church and experienced something I had never experienced before. I felt the presence of God there and it was strong! It felt right being there. I was hooked from the first time I went there. There was something different about this church. It was unlike any other church I had ever been to. I craved what they had.

I was not expecting to leave my church. That grieved me. The experience of leaving a church certainly was an interesting one. That was the first church I had ever been a member at. I liked it there a lot. I felt God leading me to move on to this other church. I was not expecting arguments, criticism, and cold shoulders. It was quite ridiculous. People told me I was joining a cult and that I would be isolated, but they turned around and quit talking to me. I remember one time I was at the ice cream stand and saw someone from that Baptist church. I went to say hi and she saw me, said "Oh" with a surprised look on her face, and spun around on her heels and walked away. Another time I passed by 3 of the young women about my age in Walmart. The one in the middle smiled awkwardly. I walked over to say hey. The other two women literally turned their backs and stuck their noses up looking at the ceiling. I was shocked. I ended up unfriending all of them on Facebook (which surely left the stigma on me) and moved on with my life. I had thought at first that I would go back there and visit sometimes, but not after the way I was treated when I started going to another church.

It took me a couple months to join the new church. I had a lot of questions. My first day there was 2011 January 30th. I fell in love with it. I got the Holy Ghost in March and I was baptized in Jesus' name in May. We did a bible study that spring. I did disagree with some of the teachings mainly when it comes to "holiness standards", but I ultimately chose to join the church anyway. I was there for a few years before I backslid. I quit going to church in 2015. Also, they had become very social media focused and the cameras made me so nervous. I wasn't comfortable being on camera. It gave me anxiety to even think about going. When I started there, they were ALJC (Assemblies of the Lord Jesus Christ). A few years later they switched to UPCI (United Pentecostal Church International). In the time that I was backslid, there were a lot of changes and a lot of people left the church.

In 2019 I was so backslid that I declared I was leaving church altogether. God had other plans. He pulled me hard to another local Apostolic church and I settled in there. One thing I did do differently is choose not to formally join the church and I chose to be independent of denominations. This church is WPF (Worldwide Pentecostal Fellowship). Most of the teachings are the same between the different denominations of Apostolic Pentecostal churches. I think WPF is more on the conservative side and ALJC is a little more liberal in comparison to the larger UPCI. I lean more conservative on most things except for standards of outer appearance. That's a blog for another day. But I've settled there at the Apostolic Lighthouse Church, the same one I felt drawn to all those years. I feel strongly that's where God wants me to be.

I used to think you had to have a label. You had to follow a church, a denomination. You had to have a church to teach you what the bible says and clarify what your beliefs should be. I followed churches and pastors. I thought that was the right thing to do. Over the years I've seen ministers go astray and churches change. It seems more and more churches are becoming worldly and watered down. Even conservative churches have watered down their beliefs so not to offend the world. When you follow a man (pastor, minister), you better be careful that he is following Jesus faithfully and the Word of God accurately. I think it's important to have a good pastor and biblically knowledgeable ministers to seek wisdom and guidance from. I wouldn't discourage anyone from joining a church or claiming a denomination as their own. I do identify as Apostolic Pentecostal because I'm a Oneness believer, baptized in Jesus' name, filled with the Holy Spirit, living for God daily, and I do believe holiness should be our lifestyle (though I differ in my views on holiness and "standards"). That being said, I do not follow or label myself with WPF, UPCI, ALJC, etc... There are too many things I disagree with and pressure to conform is common. For me, it's best to remain independent if I'm going to stay in church. I study the bible, interpret it the best that I can and seek God for understanding, try to live righteously, be good to others, and walk my own faith journey. I think that I will always stay with this path of being independent of denomination. That's what's right for me.

I've been Christian almost 15 years. It took me a while to find my way. I've been at different churches, labeled myself different denominations, been out of church, backslid, come back, and changed my views on things over those 15 years. And you know what? That's okay. It's growth. It's okay to move forward even if it means leaving where you've been or changing your beliefs and choices. Follow God. Find a church that preaches bible and worships the Lord. You do need a church. I definitely recommend an Apostolic Pentecostal church, but that's just my perspective from my own bible study and church experience. Keep following God and his Word; he will lead you to where you need to be.

What I would go back and tell myself as a brand new Christian

13/9/2020

It’s not very often I meet other Christians who are former atheists. Typically, in church circles I’m surrounded by people who grew up in church, often that very church. They’ve been in the church lifestyle since birth. They’ve never experienced being new to the faith. On the occasion that I do meet a convert – whether that be a convert to Christianity altogether or a convert to a new and vastly different denomination – they frequently struggle adjusting to the culture of their faith and their church. There are a lot of things that are completely foreign to us converts that are totally normal to those who grew up in church. There is new vocabulary. There’s a new way of living. There’s a very large bible to study and spend years coming to understand many things. There are also controversies and doctrines to sort through. There are labels and cliques and movements and categories. With the people comes pressure, agendas, preaching every perspective on every topic, teachings that are true and teachings that are false all mingled in together, and a mountain of confusion. It’s an immense transition from the secular life. There are some random thoughts I’d like to tell new converts, things I wish someone had told me when I was a new Christian nearly 15 years ago (2005).

Congratulations. You’re a new Christian? That’s awesome! Truly, it is an amazing thing. Your whole life will be different with this change. Walking with Jesus is a completely different way to live. There is hope, peace, and faith like you’ve never experienced before. Becoming a Christian is the most life-changing thing you’ll ever do. It is exciting, the newness of faith, the way it refreshes your soul. It can also be overwhelming because there’s so much new information and so many people have different opinions on every little thing. There is also a sea of churches to choose from and denominations and so many things to look at while you’re trying to figure out where you belong.

The first thing I would say to the brand new Christian me is this: Take your time exploring. You don’t have to pick sides or adopt labels. You can visit different churches, study different beliefs, and go your own path.

You don’t have to choose a denomination right away. Actually, you don’t have to choose a denomination at all. It would be wise to spend a few years studying the bible and forming your own faith before you decide which denomination matches your beliefs and interpretations the closest.

You should find a church. You might stay there forever or you might move on to different churches. It’s actually pretty common for people to stop going to a church or start going to another. There are so many reasons for this. I want you to know that it’s okay. It is okay if you feel led to plant yourself somewhere else. It’s okay if they are different denominations. You don’t commit your life to a church. I have visited many churches. I was Catholic when I was a new Christian (I thought that was the oldest denomination so I picked that one). Then I went to a Baptist church. A bit over 5 years after becoming Christian, I started going to an Apostolic Pentecostal church. That’s the denominational category I’ve settled in, but I actually switched churches last year. And that’s okay. Go where you feel God wants you.

If you leave a church, be aware that church folk get a bit jealous and may completely cut social ties with anyone who leaves their group. Even when switching to a church of the same kind, it’s not uncommon for people to have hard feelings towards whoever left. Don’t take it personally. The first time I left a church I was basically shunned. Everybody stopped talking to me. I would try to say hello to people in public and they would literally turn their backs to me. It was awkward. I had no idea Christians did that, at least not Southern Baptists. I thought that sort of radical behavior was for ultra-conservative churches or cults. Nope, it turns out even the mainstream can be salty and cold-shoulder anyone who dare move on to where God leads them.

Denominations are a crazy thing. They can kind of be name brand snobs. People often think their denomination is the best, the most right, the closest to God, superior to all others. Okay. You do you. They bash each other a lot. Don’t get wrapped up in that. The people at different churches under a different label are still your brothers and sisters in Christ.

You don’t have to do anything you are not comfortable with. You are guaranteed to encounter people who pressure you or instruct you to do what they think you should do. Especially as a convert, you’re going to have people in churches that think it is their place to guide you. They don’t always communicate well. They have good intentions, but can make people uncomfortable by telling them what to do or not do. A good mentor gets to know you and where you want to go; they journey with you taking you further into understanding and growing. Good mentors are rare. You’re going to have people that tell you to do things you don’t want to do. It’s okay to say no. It’s okay to say you’re not comfortable with that or that’s not really your thing. Piece of advice: Keep your distance from the bossy ones. They will choke out your growth and do more spiritual damage than you think they can.

Don’t buy into the division. Seek unity. Seek fellowship. Seek to learn and grow. Seek to build each other up. There are many Christians who tear each other down all the time. Those are not your people. Stay away from anyone with a spirit of division. They are destructive to your walk with God.

Get to know your bible. It’s a different kind of book. There are different ways to study. Become familiar with the different sections, their purpose, their relevancy today, and different ways to study it. The bible is the book of truth you need to use to check whatever you’re being told.

Pray even when you suck at it. I remember the first time I prayed. I was 17 and on my knees at my bedside at night. I remember shaking I was so nervous to talk to God. I had no idea how to pray. I had never seen either of my parents pray. I didn’t know the right way to do it or if I was doing it wrong. I was afraid I’d be disrespectful or say the wrong thing. Listen, God is your heavenly father. You can talk to him. Your prayer life will improve with practice. It will become something that strengthens you, guides you, and gives you peace. Get in the habit of praying daily. It doesn’t have to be fancy or long. There is a time for in depth prayers and there is a time for quick ones. Get yourself in a praying church where you can hear the seasoned saints praying. It will build your prayer life. Try out some prayer meetings. It’s okay to just watch. You don’t have to pray in front of people. Put yourself in the atmosphere of prayer. You’ll learn how to go about it and how to be strong in your prayer life.

Give yourself grace. You’re not perfect, none of us are. You’re going to screw up. You’re going to sin. You’re going to have days that you do things you know you shouldn’t have done. You’re always just one step away from redirecting. Repent. Forgive yourself. Let go of shame. Get back on track. It’s okay. You can always come back to God. No matter how far you’ve gone, how long you’ve been distant, no matter what you’ve done or what you struggle with, Jesus still wants you. He’ll take you back. There is no darkness too dark. There is no situation he can’t move in. There is no one he can’t redeem. There is no one so broken God can’t restore them. Don’t ever think you can’t come back. You can always come home.

Some of your beliefs are likely to change over time. It’s a good thing to grow. Many of my beliefs have changed over the years. Before I was Christian, I knew next to nothing. I knew people believed some guy named Jesus died on a cross, there was a heaven and hell, they had a bible, there were 10 commandments (but I didn’t know what they were), and the popular Noah’s Ark nursery theme was based on a bible story about a flood. That’s literally all I knew. I didn’t know much beyond that when I became a Christian. I didn’t understand even the basics. It was all new to me. Naturally, 15 years into the faith I understand things in much more depth than I did as a newbie. There was always a lot of criticism when my beliefs would change. People acted like I was being inconsistent or wishy-washy. Really, I was simply growing. That’s a good thing.

Your journey is your own. Remember that. Faith is a very personal thing. Your walk with God is between you and Jesus. It’s not for anyone else to control or take authority over. It’s not something for people to tear down, criticize, or correct when your walk doesn’t look identical to theirs. You will learn and grow at your own pace. You will have your ups and downs. We all go through seasons of abundance and seasons of seeking or struggling. When the noise around you gets to be too much, pull back and spend some time alone with God. Study the bible. Pray. Listen for that still, small voice. Walk with Jesus always.

If you are seeking for some things to study first as you are in the early stages of being a Jesus follower, here is what I would recommend.

Who God is – The Godhead, his character, his attributes, different perspectives and doctrines on such things
Who you are to God and who you are in Christ
What the bible is
How to study the bible
How to pray
Salvation – that’s a really important thing to study
What it means to grow spiritually
How we should be living

If you are a convert to Christianity, what would you go back and tell the brand new Christian you?

A topical bible study: holiness and living righteously

22/8/2020

Sinners in need of grace

Broken and imperfect people of a perfect God

Followers of Jesus in need of the way
guidance, direction, a compass, a path to follow
how to walk
a way to live

Guide us.
Grow us.
Teach us what’s best.

Striving to be like Christ as we journey in our faith

A light to the world as we represent Jesus and Christianity

Protective guardrails for ourselves as we are prone to wander

Make straight our paths, Lord.
Direct our steps.
Help us walk in your ways, Jesus.

Holiness
That word has become rarely spoken in some circles and outright criticized in others. For some, it conjures up ideas of legalism and, perhaps, feelings of imperfection. It often has a negative connotation to it in our modern Christian culture. Modern day mainstream Christianity has left this topic behind. In other groups, it is a focal point of the faith-based lifestyle. What does it mean to you? What have you been taught about holiness and righteousness?

What does it mean in the bible? We know God is holy and righteous. He is the Holy One. The bible also says that we are to be holy, called to be separate and set apart as God’s holy people. But what does that mean specifically? How are we supposed to be living? Or what are we supposed to be not doing? Let’s take a look at what the scriptures say.

**All verses are New American Standard Bible**

A people set apart

Leviticus 19:1-2 Then the Lord spoke to Moses, saying: “Speak to all the congregation of the sons of Israel and say to them, ‘You shall be holy, for I the Lord your God am holy.

Leviticus 20:7-8 You shall consecrate yourselves therefore and be holy, for I am the Lord your God. You shall keep My statutes and practice them; I am the Lord who sanctifies you.

Leviticus 20:26 Thus you are to be holy to Me, for I the Lord am holy; and I have set you apart from the peoples to be Mine.

Deuteronomy 7:6 For you are a holy people to the Lord your God; the Lord your God has chosen you to be a people for His own possession out of all the peoples who are on the face of the earth.
Deuteronomy 14:2 says the same.

Deuteronomy 28:9 The Lord will establish you as a holy people to Himself, as He swore to you, if you keep the commandments of the Lord your God and walk in His ways.

2 Corinthians 6:17 “Therefore, come out from their midst and be separate,” says the Lord. And do not touch what is unclean; and I will welcome you.

1 Peter 2:9 But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for God’s own possession, so that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called you out of darkness into His marvelous light;

Key verses that stand out in my studies

Isaiah 35:8 A highway will be there, a roadway, And it will be called the Highway of Holiness. The unclean will not travel on it, But it will be for him who walks that way, And fools will not wander on it.

Hebrews 12:14 Pursue peace with all men, and the sanctification without which no one will see the Lord.

1 John 3:10-11 By this the children of God and the children of the devil are obvious: anyone who does not practice righteousness is not of God, nor the one who does not love his brother. For this is the message which you have heard from the beginning, that we should love one another;

1 Peter 1:13-16 Therefore, prepare your minds for action, keep sober in spirit, fix your hope completely on the grace to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. As obedient children, do not be conformed to the former lusts which were yours in your ignorance, but like the Holy One who called you, be holy yourselves also in all your behavior; because it is written, “You shall be holy, for I am holy.”

1 Peter 2:24 and He Himself bore our sins in His body on the cross, so that we might die to sin and live to righteousness; for by His wounds you were healed.

Titus 2:11-14 For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation to all men, instructing us to deny ungodliness and worldly desires and to live sensibly, righteously and godly in the present age, looking for the blessed hope and the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Christ Jesus, who gave Himself for us to redeem us from every lawless deed, and to purify for Himself a people for His own possession, zealous for good deeds.

James 1:26-27 If anyone thinks himself to be religious, and yet does not bridle his tongue but deceives his own heart, this man’s religion is worthless. Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world.

A topical bible study

You can reference your own bible for these verses or you can read through them as they are written out at the end section of this blog.

I’ve searched the concordance and made notes in my bible studies on holy, holiness, righteous, righteousness, godly, and godliness. I’ve also studied and referenced unholy, unrighteous, ungodly, wicked, and wickedness. Studying the latter provides a clearer picture of the actions/behaviors we are to steer clear from.

A couple of Old Testament verses:
Deuteronomy 26:16-19, Psalm 1:6, Psalm 32:10-11, Psalm 33:1, Proverbs chapters 2 and 3, Proverbs 15:9

What the New Testament teaches on this topic:
Matthew 5:6, Matthew 5:20, Matthew 6:1, Matthew 6:32-33, Matthew 25:31-46, Mark 7:18-23, Luke 1:74-75, Luke chapter 6, Luke 10:30-37, John 15:2, Romans 1:16-32, Romans 2:1-11, Romans chapter 3, Romans 6:11-23, Romans 8:5-9, Romans 12:1-2, Romans 12:9, Romans 13:12-14, Romans 14:17-19, 1 Corinthians 6:9-11, 1 Corinthians 6:18-20, 1 Corinthians 10:13, 2 Corinthians 7:1, 2 Corinthians 12:20-21, Galatians 5:16-25, Galatians 6:9-10, Ephesians 1:4, Ephesians 2:1-5, Ephesians 4:1-3, Ephesians 4:17-24, Ephesians 4:31-32, Ephesians 5:1-11, Ephesians 5:15, Ephesians 6:10-18, Philippians 1:9-11, Colossians 1:21-23, Colossians 3:5-14, 1 Thessalonians 3:12-13, 1 Thessalonians 4:1-12, 1 Thessalonians 5:2-8, 1 Thessalonians 5:14-15, 1 Thessalonians 5:16-22, 2 Thessalonians 3:13, 1 Timothy 1:5-10, 1 Timothy 2:1-2, 1 Timothy 2:8, 1 Timothy 2:9-10, 1 Timothy 4:7-8, 1 Timothy 6:3-6, 1 Timothy 6:9-12, 2 Timothy 2:15-16, 2 Timothy 2:19, 2 Timothy 2:22, 2 Timothy 2:23-26, 2 Timothy 3:1-5, 2 Timothy 3:16-17, Titus 2:1-8, Titus 2:11-14, Titus 3:1-5, Titus 3:14, Hebrews 5:12-14, Hebrews 11:32-34, Hebrews 12:9-11, Hebrews 12:14, Hebrews 12:28, Hebrews 13:15-16, James 1:19-21, James 1:26, James 1:27, James 3:16-18, 1 Peter 1:14-16, 1 Peter 2:9, 1 Peter 2:11-12, 1 Peter 2:24-25, 1 Peter 3:1-5, 1 Peter 3:8-9, 1 Peter 3:12, 1 Peter 3:14, 1 Peter 4:2-8, 2 Peter 1:2-10, 2 Peter chapter 2, 2 Peter 3:10-14, 1 John 1:5-9, and Jude 1:17-21

A space for personal reflection
or questions for bible study discussion

Note: The first two questions I’ve shared summaries from my own notes in my personal study. Please do read through the scriptures listed. Study the Word of God. Let the Spirit guide you in understanding and application.

What does it mean to be holy? What does it mean to live righteously?

Love Jesus.
Obey God, his commandments, the bible
Love one another.
Be good to others.
Help those in need.
Give drink to the thirsty. Feed the hungry. Clothe the naked. Visit the sick. Come to those who are in prison.
Desire righteousness. Hunger and thirst for what is righteous.
Seek peace.
Be diligent to preserve unity.
Be unstained by the world.
Seek the things of the kingdom.
Serve God.
Worship, praise, rejoice, be glad in the Lord, trust in the Lord
Be strong in the faith.
Give God honor. Give him thanks. Show gratitude.
Bear fruit. The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.
Walk by the Spirit.
Make no provision for the flesh and its lusts.
Bring your flesh under subjection and discipline your mind to be of the Spirit and not the flesh.
Behave properly and with decency.
Modesty, be of appropriate appearance
Live sensibly.
Be pure.
Be obedient to righteousness.
Do not grow weary of doing good.
Walk in love.
Be sober and spiritually alert.
Put on the full armor of God.
Stand firm.
Be imitators of God.
Forgive one another.
Be respectful.
Be kindhearted.
Put on a heart of compassion, kindness, gentleness, humility, and patience.
Seek after what is good for one another and all people.
Increase and abound in love.

Love God. Love people. Do good. Nurture the fruits of the Spirit. Behave righteously. This is what holiness means to me. It’s about love: how we love God, how we obey God’s word out of our love and dedication, how we love one another, how we treat others. It’s about the goodness we are to the world. It’s about how we live, how we behave, how we appear (as representatives of the faith). That’s what holiness and righteousness is summed up to me – loving God, obeying God’s word, loving one another and being good to people, and how we live (as well as how we don’t live). It’s a lifestyle.

What does it mean to be unholy, unrighteous, ungodly, etc? What are the things we should be avoiding?

Sin
Anything that is harming others or intentionally hurting people
Evil deeds and evil thoughts
Malice
Immorality
Sorcery
Idolatry
Treating people badly
Talking to or about people in ungodly ways: slander, abusive speech, gossip
Greed, jealousy, envy, bitterness
Strife, anger, wrath, causing division
Arrogance
Foolishness
The love of money
Suppressing truth
Corruption
Filthiness
Impurity
Adultery, fornication, and sexual immorality
Lustful passions, living in the lusts of our flesh, indulging in the desires of our flesh and minds
Sensuality
Drunkenness, drinking parties, carousing
Being unloving, unmerciful, untrustworthy
Not obeying truth

While there are specific things that are listed in the bible on this, I believe there are also biblical principles to apply to things not mentioned. There are things in modern life that weren’t ever mentioned in the bible, but we can use these biblical principles and the guidance of the Holy Spirit to make choices today. For example, recreation and entertainment are quite different than they were 2,000 years ago or even 50 years ago. There is nothing about television or internet in the bible, but we can come up with a whole list real quick of sinful entertainment and unrighteous things we feed our minds with. Look at the overall principles here. Is _____ appropriate or edifying? Is it sinful or encouraging sin or glorifying sin? Does it have any negative impact on you spiritually? There are going to be things that are matters of personal conviction. Modesty and a decent appearance is a great example of that. It’s a biblical principle, but specifics are not given on things such as sleeve length or skin coverage etc. You have to seek out those issues on your own. Some things are a heart matter. Some things are a matter of moderation. Not everything is black and white. Or other things may not be necessarily a bad thing but can become something we need to refrain from if we are overindulging or develop an addiction to.

All of these things we have the ability to walk away from, refrain from, reduce, eliminate, grow through, and overcome. Your life can change in a day. You can change. You can heal. You can grow. You can become better at being/living the way you strive to.

How do we change our lifestyle when we haven’t been living right?

Repent. Be cleansed. Let the cleansing power of God’s redemption and restoration wash over your life.
Renounce sin and any unrighteous lifestyle (Titus 2:12)
Transform your mind (Romans 12:2)
Fix your eyes on Jesus and stay focused on the things of God.
Study the Word of God to know how to live right.
Live out your faith. Walk with Jesus.
Strive to live, act, and speak in a way that is pleasing to the Lord. Make holiness and righteousness an intentional part of your life.
When you stray and stumble as we all do, you can always come back. You are never too far gone. You are never unloved or unwanted by God. We fall short. We mess up. It happens. His grace is sufficient. His love is abounding and never-ending. Step back on the path you belong.

How does this topical bible study change or deepen your understanding of holiness and righteousness?

What do you want to do and be to live this way?

The bible verses written out

Deuteronomy 26:16-19 “This day the Lord your God commands you to do these statutes and ordinances. You shall therefore be careful to do them with all your heart and with all your soul. You have today declared the Lord to be your God, and that you would walk in His ways and keep His statutes, His commandments and His ordinances, and listen to His voice. The Lord has today declared you to be His people, a treasured possession, as He promised you, and that you should keep all His commandments; and that He will set you high above all nations which He has made, for praise, fame, and honor; and that you shall be a consecrated people to the Lord your God, as He has spoken.”

Psalm 1:6 For the Lord knows the way of the righteous, But the way of the wicked will perish.

Psalm 32:10-11 Many are the sorrows of the wicked, But he who trusts in the Lord, lovingkindness shall surround him. Be glad in the Lord and rejoice, you righteous ones; And shout for joy, all you who are upright in heart.

Psalm 33:1 Sing for joy in the Lord, O you righteous ones; Praise is becoming to the upright.

Proverbs chapter 2 and chapter 3

Proverbs 15:9 The way of the wicked is an abomination to the Lord, But He loves one who pursues righteousness.

Matthew 5:6 “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.

Matthew 5:20 “For I say to you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the scribes and Pharisees, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven.

Matthew 6:1 “Beware of practicing your righteousness before men to be noticed by them; otherwise you have no reward with your Father who is in heaven.

Matthew 6:32-33 For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

Matthew 25:31-46 “But when the Son of Man comes in His glory, and all the angels with Him, then He will sit on His glorious throne. All the nations will be gathered before Him; and He will separate them from one another, as the shepherd separates the sheep from the goats; and He will put the sheep on His right, and the goats on the left. “Then the King will say to those on His right, ‘Come, you who are blessed of My Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was hungry, and you gave Me something to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me something to drink; I was a stranger, and you invited Me in; naked, and you clothed Me; I was sick, and you visited Me; I was in prison, and you came to Me.’ Then the righteous will answer Him, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry, and feed You, or thirsty, and give You something to drink? And when did we see You a stranger, and invite You in, or naked, and clothe You? When did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?’ The King will answer and say to them, ‘Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to Me.’ “Then He will also say to those on His left, ‘Depart from Me, accursed ones, into the eternal fire which has been prepared for the devil and his angels; for I was hungry, and you gave Me nothing to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me nothing to drink; I was a stranger, and you did not invite Me in; naked, and you did not clothe Me; sick, and in prison, and you did not visit Me.’ Then they themselves also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry, or thirsty, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and did not take care of You?’ Then He will answer them, ‘Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to Me.’ These will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.”

Mark 7:18-23 And He *said to them, “Are you so lacking in understanding also? Do you not understand that whatever goes into the man from outside cannot defile him, because it does not go into his heart, but into his stomach, and is eliminated?” (Thus He declared all foods clean.) And He was saying, “That which proceeds out of the man, that is what defiles the man. For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed the evil thoughts, fornications, thefts, murders, adulteries, deeds of coveting and wickedness, as well as deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride and foolishness. All these evil things proceed from within and defile the man.”

Luke 1:74-75 To grant us that we, being rescued from the hand of our enemies, Might serve Him without fear, In holiness and righteousness before Him all our days.

Luke chapter 6

Luke 10:30-37 is the story of the Good Samaritan.

John 15:2 Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit, He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit, He prunes it so that it may bear more fruit.

Romans 1:16-32 For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes, to the Jew first and also to the Greek. For in it the righteousness of God is revealed from faith to faith; as it is written, “But the righteous man shall live by faith.” For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men who suppress the truth in unrighteousness, because that which is known about God is evident within them; for God made it evident to them. For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes, His eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly seen, being understood through what has been made, so that they are without excuse. For even though they knew God, they did not honor Him as God or give thanks, but they became futile in their speculations, and their foolish heart was darkened. Professing to be wise, they became fools, and exchanged the glory of the incorruptible God for an image in the form of corruptible man and of birds and four-footed animals and crawling creatures. Therefore God gave them over in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, so that their bodies would be dishonored among them. For they exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever. Amen. For this reason God gave them over to degrading passions; for their women exchanged the natural function for that which is unnatural, and in the same way also the men abandoned the natural function of the woman and burned in their desire toward one another, men with men committing indecent acts and receiving in their own persons the due penalty of their error. And just as they did not see fit to acknowledge God any longer, God gave them over to a depraved mind, to do those things which are not proper, being filled with all unrighteousness, wickedness, greed, evil; full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, malice; they are gossips, slanderers, haters of God, insolent, arrogant, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents, without understanding, untrustworthy, unloving, unmerciful; and although they know the ordinance of God, that those who practice such things are worthy of death, they not only do the same, but also give hearty approval to those who practice them.

Romans 2:1-11 Therefore you have no excuse, everyone of you who passes judgment, for in that which you judge another, you condemn yourself; for you who judge practice the same things. And we know that the judgment of God rightly falls upon those who practice such things. But do you suppose this, O man, when you pass judgment on those who practice such things and do the same yourself, that you will escape the judgment of God? Or do you think lightly of the riches of His kindness and tolerance and patience, not knowing that the kindness of God leads you to repentance? But because of your stubbornness and unrepentant heart you are storing up wrath for yourself in the day of wrath and revelation of the righteous judgment of God, who will render to each person according to his deeds: to those who by perseverance in doing good seek for glory and honor and immortality, eternal life; but to those who are selfishly ambitious and do not obey the truth, but obey unrighteousness, wrath and indignation. There will be tribulation and distress for every soul of man who does evil, of the Jew first and also of the Greek, but glory and honor and peace to everyone who does good, to the Jew first and also to the Greek. For there is no partiality with God.

Romans chapter 3

Romans 6:11-23 Even so consider yourselves to be dead to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its lusts, and do not go on presenting the members of your body to sin as instruments of unrighteousness; but present yourselves to God as those alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God. For sin shall not be master over you, for you are not under law but under grace. What then? Shall we sin because we are not under law but under grace? May it never be! Do you not know that when you present yourselves to someone as slaves for obedience, you are slaves of the one whom you obey, either of sin resulting in death, or of obedience resulting in righteousness? But thanks be to God that though you were slaves of sin, you became obedient from the heart to that form of teaching to which you were committed, and having been freed from sin, you became slaves of righteousness. I am speaking in human terms because of the weakness of your flesh. For just as you presented your members as slaves to impurity and to lawlessness, resulting in further lawlessness, so now present your members as slaves to righteousness, resulting in sanctification. For when you were slaves of sin, you were free in regard to righteousness. Therefore what benefit were you then deriving from the things of which you are now ashamed? For the outcome of those things is death. But now having been freed from sin and enslaved to God, you derive your benefit, resulting in sanctification, and the outcome, eternal life. For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:5-9 For those who are according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who are according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit. For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace, because the mind set on the flesh is hostile toward God; for it does not subject itself to the law of God, for it is not even able to do so, and those who are in the flesh cannot please God. However, you are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God dwells in you. But if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Him.

Romans 12:1-2 Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.

Romans 12:9 Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil; cling to what is good.

Romans 13:12-14 The night is almost gone, and the day is near. Therefore let us lay aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light. Let us behave properly as in the day, not in carousing and drunkenness, not in sexual promiscuity and sensuality, not in strife and jealousy. But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh in regard to its lusts.

Romans 14:17-19 for the kingdom of God is not eating and drinking, but righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. For he who in this way serves Christ is acceptable to God and approved by men. So then we pursue the things which make for peace and the building up of one another.

1 Corinthians 6:9-11 Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals, nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, will inherit the kingdom of God. Such were some of you; but you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and in the Spirit of our God.

1 Corinthians 6:18-20 Flee immorality. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body.

1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.

2 Corinthians 7:1 Therefore, having these promises, beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from all defilement of flesh and spirit, perfecting holiness in the fear of God.

2 Corinthians 12:20-21 For I am afraid that perhaps when I come I may find you to be not what I wish and may be found by you to be not what you wish; that perhaps there will be strife, jealousy, angry tempers, disputes, slanders, gossip, arrogance, disturbances; I am afraid that when I come again my God may humiliate me before you, and I may mourn over many of those who have sinned in the past and not repented of the impurity, immorality and sensuality which they have practiced.

Galatians 5:16-25 But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh. For the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the Law. Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions, envying, drunkenness, carousing, and things like these, of which I forewarn you, just as I have forewarned you, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. Now those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit. Let us not become boastful, challenging one another, envying one another.

Galatians 6:9-10 Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary. So then, while we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, and especially to those who are of the household of the faith.

Ephesians 1:4 just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we would be holy and blameless before Him.

Ephesians 2:1-5 And you were dead in your trespasses and sins, in which you formerly walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, of the spirit that is now working in the sons of disobedience. Among them we too all formerly lived in the lusts of our flesh, indulging the desires of the flesh and of the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, even as the rest. But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved),

Ephesians 4:1-3 Therefore I, the prisoner of the Lord, implore you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love, being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.

Ephesians 4:17-24 So this I say, and affirm together with the Lord, that you walk no longer just as the Gentiles also walk, in the futility of their mind, being darkened in their understanding, excluded from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, because of the hardness of their heart; and they, having become callous, have given themselves over to sensuality for the practice of every kind of impurity with greediness. But you did not learn Christ in this way, if indeed you have heard Him and have been taught in Him, just as truth is in Jesus, that, in reference to your former manner of life, you lay aside the old self, which is being corrupted in accordance with the lusts of deceit, and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and put on the new self, which in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth.

Ephesians 4:31-32 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.

Ephesians 5:1-11 Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma. But immorality or any impurity or greed must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints; and there must be no filthiness and silly talk, or coarse jesting, which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks. For this you know with certainty, that no immoral or impure person or covetous man, who is an idolater, has an inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. Therefore do not be partakers with them; for you were formerly darkness, but now you are Light in the Lord; walk as children of Light (for the fruit of the Light consists in all goodness and righteousness and truth), trying to learn what is pleasing to the Lord. Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but instead even expose them;

Ephesians 5:15 Therefore be careful how you walk, not as unwise men but as wise,

Ephesians 6:10-18 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm. Stand firm therefore, having girded your loins with truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; in addition to all, taking up the shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. With all prayer and petition pray at all times in the Spirit, and with this in view, be on the alert with all perseverance and petition for all the saints,

Philippians 1:9-11 And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in real knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve the things that are excellent, in order to be sincere and blameless until the day of Christ; having been filled with the fruit of righteousness which comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God.

Colossians 1:21-23 And although you were formerly alienated and hostile in mind, engaged in evil deeds, yet He has now reconciled you in His fleshly body through death, in order to present you before Him holy and blameless and beyond reproach— if indeed you continue in the faith firmly established and steadfast, and not moved away from the hope of the gospel that you have heard, which was proclaimed in all creation under heaven, and of which I, Paul, was made a minister.

Colossians 3:5-14 Therefore consider the members of your earthly body as dead to immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and greed, which amounts to idolatry. For it is because of these things that the wrath of God will come upon the sons of disobedience, and in them you also once walked, when you were living in them. But now you also, put them all aside: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and abusive speech from your mouth. Do not lie to one another, since you laid aside the old self with its evil practices, and have put on the new self who is being renewed to a true knowledge according to the image of the One who created him— a renewal in which there is no distinction between Greek and Jew, circumcised and uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave and freeman, but Christ is all, and in all. So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. Beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity.

1 Thessalonians 3:12-13 and may the Lord cause you to increase and abound in love for one another, and for all people, just as we also do for you; so that He may establish your hearts without blame in holiness before our God and Father at the coming of our Lord Jesus with all His saints.

1 Thessalonians 4:1-12 Finally then, brethren, we request and exhort you in the Lord Jesus, that as you received from us instruction as to how you ought to walk and please God (just as you actually do walk), that you excel still more. For you know what commandments we gave you by the authority of the Lord Jesus. For this is the will of God, your sanctification; that is, that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in lustful passion, like the Gentiles who do not know God; and that no man transgress and defraud his brother in the matter because the Lord is the avenger in all these things, just as we also told you before and solemnly warned you. For God has not called us for the purpose of impurity, but in sanctification. So, he who rejects this is not rejecting man but the God who gives His Holy Spirit to you. Now as to the love of the brethren, you have no need for anyone to write to you, for you yourselves are taught by God to love one another; for indeed you do practice it toward all the brethren who are in all Macedonia. But we urge you, brethren, to excel still more, and to make it your ambition to lead a quiet life and attend to your own business and work with your hands, just as we commanded you, so that you will behave properly toward outsiders and not be in any need.

1 Thessalonians 5:2-8 For you yourselves know full well that the day of the Lord will come just like a thief in the night. While they are saying, “Peace and safety!” then destruction will come upon them suddenly like labor pains upon a woman with child, and they will not escape. But you, brethren, are not in darkness, that the day would overtake you like a thief; for you are all sons of light and sons of day. We are not of night nor of darkness; so then let us not sleep as others do, but let us be alert and sober. For those who sleep do their sleeping at night, and those who get drunk get drunk at night. But since we are of the day, let us be sober, having put on the breastplate of faith and love, and as a helmet, the hope of salvation.

1 Thessalonians 5:14-15 We urge you, brethren, admonish the unruly, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with everyone. See that no one repays another with evil for evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another and for all people.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-22 Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. Do not quench the Spirit; do not despise prophetic utterances. But examine everything carefully; hold fast to that which is good; abstain from every form of evil.

2 Thessalonians 3:13 But as for you, brethren, do not grow weary of doing good.

1 Timothy 1:5-10 But the goal of our instruction is love from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith. For some men, straying from these things, have turned aside to fruitless discussion, wanting to be teachers of the Law, even though they do not understand either what they are saying or the matters about which they make confident assertions. But we know that the Law is good, if one uses it lawfully, realizing the fact that law is not made for a righteous person, but for those who are lawless and rebellious, for the ungodly and sinners, for the unholy and profane, for those who kill their fathers or mothers, for murderers and immoral men and homosexuals and kidnappers and liars and perjurers, and whatever else is contrary to sound teaching,

1 Timothy 2:1-2 First of all, then, I urge that entreaties and prayers, petitions and thanksgivings, be made on behalf of all men, for kings and all who are in authority, so that we may lead a tranquil and quiet life in all godliness and dignity.

1 Timothy 2:8 Therefore I want the men in every place to pray, lifting up holy hands, without wrath and dissension.

1 Timothy 2:9-10 Likewise, I want women to adorn themselves with proper clothing, modestly and discreetly, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly garments, but rather by means of good works, as is proper for women making a claim to godliness.

1 Timothy 4:7-8 But have nothing to do with worldly fables fit only for old women. On the other hand, discipline yourself for the purpose of godliness; for bodily discipline is only of little profit, but godliness is profitable for all things, since it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come.

1 Timothy 6:3-6 If anyone advocates a different doctrine and does not agree with sound words, those of our Lord Jesus Christ, and with the doctrine conforming to godliness, he is conceited and understands nothing; but he has a morbid interest in controversial questions and disputes about words, out of which arise envy, strife, abusive language, evil suspicions, and constant friction between men of depraved mind and deprived of the truth, who suppose that godliness is a means of gain. But godliness actually is a means of great gain when accompanied by contentment.

1 Timothy 6:9-12 But those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a snare and many foolish and harmful desires which plunge men into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all sorts of evil, and some by longing for it have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs. But flee from these things, you man of God, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, perseverance and gentleness. Fight the good fight of faith; take hold of the eternal life to which you were called, and you made the good confession in the presence of many witnesses.

2 Timothy 2:15-16 Be diligent to present yourself approved to God as a workman who does not need to be ashamed, accurately handling the word of truth. But avoid worldly and empty chatter, for it will lead to further ungodliness,

2 Timothy 2:19 Nevertheless, the firm foundation of God stands, having this seal, “The Lord knows those who are His,” and, “Everyone who names the name of the Lord is to abstain from wickedness.”

2 Timothy 2:22 Now flee from youthful lusts and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.

2 Timothy 2:23-26 But refuse foolish and ignorant speculations, knowing that they produce quarrels. The Lord’s bond-servant must not be quarrelsome, but be kind to all, able to teach, patient when wronged, with gentleness correcting those who are in opposition, if perhaps God may grant them repentance leading to the knowledge of the truth, and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, having been held captive by him to do his will.

2 Timothy 3:1-5 But realize this, that in the last days difficult times will come. For men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self-control, brutal, haters of good, treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, holding to a form of godliness, although they have denied its power; Avoid such men as these.

2 Timothy 3:16-17 All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness; so that the man of God may be adequate, equipped for every good work.

Titus 2:1-8 But as for you, speak the things which are fitting for sound doctrine. Older men are to be temperate, dignified, sensible, sound in faith, in love, in perseverance. Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored. Likewise urge the young men to be sensible; in all things show yourself to be an example of good deeds, with purity in doctrine, dignified, sound in speech which is beyond reproach, so that the opponent will be put to shame, having nothing bad to say about us.

Titus 2:11-14 For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation to all men, instructing us to deny ungodliness and worldly desires and to live sensibly, righteously and godly in the present age, looking for the blessed hope and the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Christ Jesus, who gave Himself for us to redeem us from every lawless deed, and to purify for Himself a people for His own possession, zealous for good deeds.

Titus 3:1-5 Remind them to be subject to rulers, to authorities, to be obedient, to be ready for every good deed, to malign no one, to be peaceable, gentle, showing every consideration for all men. For we also once were foolish ourselves, disobedient, deceived, enslaved to various lusts and pleasures, spending our life in malice and envy, hateful, hating one another. But when the kindness of God our Savior and His love for mankind appeared, He saved us, not on the basis of deeds which we have done in righteousness, but according to His mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewing by the Holy Spirit,

Titus 3:14 Our people must also learn to engage in good deeds to meet pressing needs, so that they will not be unfruitful.

Hebrews 5:12-14 For though by this time you ought to be teachers, you have need again for someone to teach you the elementary principles of the oracles of God, and you have come to need milk and not solid food. For everyone who partakes only of milk is not accustomed to the word of righteousness, for he is an infant. But solid food is for the mature, who because of practice have their senses trained to discern good and evil.

Hebrews 11:32-34 And what more shall I say? For time will fail me if I tell of Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, of David and Samuel and the prophets, who by faith conquered kingdoms, performed acts of righteousness, obtained promises, shut the mouths of lions, quenched the power of fire, escaped the edge of the sword, from weakness were made strong, became mighty in war, put foreign armies to flight.

Hebrews 12:9-11 Furthermore, we had earthly fathers to discipline us, and we respected them; shall we not much rather be subject to the Father of spirits, and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our good, so that we may share His holiness. All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.

Hebrews 12:14 Pursue peace with all men, and the sanctification without which no one will see the Lord.

Hebrews 12:28 Therefore, since we receive a kingdom which cannot be shaken, let us show gratitude, by which we may offer to God an acceptable service with reverence and awe;

Hebrews 13:15-16 Through Him then, let us continually offer up a sacrifice of praise to God, that is, the fruit of lips that give thanks to His name. And do not neglect doing good and sharing, for with such sacrifices God is pleased.

James 1:19-21 This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God. Therefore, putting aside all filthiness and all that remains of wickedness, in humility receive the word implanted, which is able to save your souls.

James 1:26 If anyone thinks himself to be religious, and yet does not bridle his tongue but deceives his own heart, this man’s religion is worthless.

James 1:27 Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world.

James 3:16-18 For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every evil thing. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy. And the seed whose fruit is righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.

1 Peter 1:14-16 As obedient children, do not be conformed to the former lusts which were yours in your ignorance, but like the Holy One who called you, be holy yourselves also in all your behavior; because it is written, “You shall be holy, for I am holy.”

1 Peter 2:9 But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for God’s own possession, so that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called you out of darkness into His marvelous light;

1 Peter 2:11-12 Beloved, I urge you as aliens and strangers to abstain from fleshly lusts which wage war against the soul. Keep your behavior excellent among the Gentiles, so that in the thing in which they slander you as evildoers, they may because of your good deeds, as they observe them, glorify God in the day of visitation.

1 Peter 2:24-25 and He Himself bore our sins in His body on the cross, so that we might die to sin and live to righteousness; for by His wounds you were healed. For you were continually straying like sheep, but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Guardian of your souls.

1 Peter 3:1-5 In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. Your adornment must not be merely external—braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God. For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands;

1 Peter 3:8-9 To sum up, all of you be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit; not returning evil for evil or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing.

1 Peter 3:12 “For the eyes of the Lord are toward the righteous, And His ears attend to their prayer, But the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.”

1 Peter 3:14 But even if you should suffer for the sake of righteousness, you are blessed. And do not fear their intimidation, and do not be troubled,

1 Peter 4:2-8 so as to live the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for the lusts of men, but for the will of God. For the time already past is sufficient for you to have carried out the desire of the Gentiles, having pursued a course of sensuality, lusts, drunkenness, carousing, drinking parties and abominable idolatries. In all this, they are surprised that you do not run with them into the same excesses of dissipation, and they malign you; but they will give account to Him who is ready to judge the living and the dead. For the gospel has for this purpose been preached even to those who are dead, that though they are judged in the flesh as men, they may live in the spirit according to the will of God. The end of all things is near; therefore, be of sound judgment and sober spirit for the purpose of prayer. Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins.

2 Peter 1:2-10 Grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord; seeing that His divine power has granted to us everything pertaining to life and godliness, through the true knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and excellence. For by these He has granted to us His precious and magnificent promises, so that by them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world by lust. Now for this very reason also, applying all diligence, in your faith supply moral excellence, and in your moral excellence, knowledge, and in your knowledge, self-control, and in your self-control, perseverance, and in your perseverance, godliness, and in your godliness, brotherly kindness, and in your brotherly kindness, love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they render you neither useless nor unfruitful in the true knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. For he who lacks these qualities is blind or short-sighted, having forgotten his purification from his former sins. Therefore, brethren, be all the more diligent to make certain about His calling and choosing you; for as long as you practice these things, you will never stumble;

2 Peter chapter 2

2 Peter 3:10-14 But the day of the Lord will come like a thief, in which the heavens will pass away with a roar and the elements will be destroyed with intense heat, and the earth and its works will be burned up. Since all these things are to be destroyed in this way, what sort of people ought you to be in holy conduct and godliness, looking for and hastening the coming of the day of God, because of which the heavens will be destroyed by burning, and the elements will melt with intense heat! But according to His promise we are looking for new heavens and a new earth, in which righteousness dwells. Therefore, beloved, since you look for these things, be diligent to be found by Him in peace, spotless and blameless,

1 John 1:5-9 This is the message we have heard from Him and announce to you, that God is Light, and in Him there is no darkness at all. If we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth; but if we walk in the Light as He Himself is in the Light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin. If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

Jude 1:17-21 But you, beloved, ought to remember the words that were spoken beforehand by the apostles of our Lord Jesus Christ, that they were saying to you, “In the last time there will be mockers, following after their own ungodly lusts.” These are the ones who cause divisions, worldly-minded, devoid of the Spirit. But you, beloved, building yourselves up on your most holy faith, praying in the Holy Spirit, keep yourselves in the love of God, waiting anxiously for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ to eternal life.

Sheep shouldn't chase after wolves

18/5/2020

For a long time, I didn’t understand why the bible referred to us as sheep and those of the world as wolves. Sheep are not the smartest creatures. They’re cute fluff balls that seem relatively unable to defend themselves or do anything on their own. Wolves are beautiful. They’re smart. They’re strong. They’re strategic. I have a lot of Native American in my family tree and we love wolves, dreamcatchers, etc… It kind of bothered me that wolves were seen as a bad thing in the Christian world. I was looking at the animals. I didn’t understand the message.

Today it hit me why we are God’s sheep and those of the world are wolves: behavior. Sheep are gentle. Wolves can be loyal to those in their own pack but can viciously devour those who aren’t like them. Christians are supposed to be loving and peaceful. The world is anything but. Often, the church is anything but.

Wolves have always gone after sheep. We are living in a time that sheep are now chasing after wolves. Stick with me. Here is a situation we’ve all seen: social media divide between Christians and nonbelievers, hate over what the bible says and how people live differently, and the stereotypes between left and right political spectrums. I’ve watched over the last few years as the one side becomes increasingly hateful to the Christian side or the conservative side. I’ve watched as the Christian side has tried to keep their cool, be respectful, explain their views, and emphasize that they respect people even when they disagree. And I’ve watched the one side go from hating, criticizing, telling off, cussing out, threatening, snarling, and gnashing their teeth at Christian beliefs to now calling it hate or phobia or intolerance. Christians are threatened with being labeled judgmental or not welcoming of all. And I’ve seen some Christians who are rude right back but for the most part Christians have truly tried not to be offensive to others by living out their faith in their own lives or for having the beliefs that they do. I see something else now. I see Christians cower. They hide. They’re afraid to share their faith. They only want to post the warm and fuzzy verses that are encouraging. They avoid controversy. They fear offending people. They fear losing their friends . . . and now . . . the sheep chase after the wolves. They apologize for their beliefs. They deny them. They won’t answer direct questions. They skirt around the issues. They water down their beliefs. They change their message to cater to the people. They dilute their gospel. They compromise. They won’t speak sin. They won’t speak to the power of the cross. They’re so hung up on making sure everybody likes them that they chase after the wolves who are threatening them to bow down and appease what they want to hear. Why would you try to please people who treat you badly? Why would you want to hang on to the people who are telling you off absolutely outraged that you have different views than them? Why cave to follow their message? Is that really what you want to be a member of?

There will be division. You need to become okay with that. There will be people that stop being your friend, don’t want to hang out with you, unfriend you on Facebook, leave your group, not agree with your faith-based lifestyle when you are open with your beliefs. Listen, honey. That division is not a bad thing.

Love others.
Be kind.
Be respectful.
Stand firm in your faith.
You can do all of the above. You can be respectful and people will still hate you. You can be kind and people will still throw a fit if you don’t tell them what they want to hear. Their primary issue is with Jesus and what He stands for, not so much you personally. If they hate Jesus, they will hate you too when you stand with Him.

Stop trying to please the wolves. Stop chasing after them. Stop catering. Let them go. It’s not your job to be liked by the world and gain popularity. You were called to be set apart. You were called to come out of the world and live differently. You are His. There is protection in staying close to the Shepard.

Perhaps, some of the wolves in sheep’s clothing (as the bible talks about) were good sheep that chased after wolves and it twisted what’s inside of them. It’s dangerous for your spiritual wellbeing to feed yourself with the wolves’ food. Don’t buy into it. Your food (spiritual nourishment) is the infallible Word of God.

So when the wolves come, don’t hide and don’t apologize. Live out your faith with confidence. Others are watching. Be the light. The darkness will not like the light but some of those in darkness will be seeking what you have. Don’t hide and don’t back down. Be gentle in spirit. Speak truth without wavering.

John 10:27-28
My sheep hear my voice, and I know them,
and they follow me:
And I give unto them eternal life;
and they shall never perish,
neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand.

Delivered: the transformation of a bisexual Christian

25/1/2020

I didn’t think my finally-go-public coming out story would be like this. I’ve been out to friends. I was ready to come out publicly. I’d been ready. For a long time, I thought I would never come out publicly or ever on social media unless I met a woman that I was serious about. Then I got to the point that I was done hiding. I was done being a closeted bisexual Christian in an ultra-conservative social circle. I couldn’t handle being caged anymore. I wanted to let the world see who I really was. Tear the walls down. Let it bleed. Let things fall. Then build with whatever I had left. Individuals could decide if they wanted to stick around. I continued to come out to more friends. It gets easier. And yet I didn’t come out to my family or make some public announcement. I don’t even know why. It was fairly obvious anyway. My journey took a different path than I expected. I would have never believed my story held a chapter on deliverance. I didn’t believe in such things… until I heard someone’s testimony and saw their transformation was undeniable. That planted a seed of hope, hope that there was something to seek after that could change the way I didn’t want to be. I was bisexual for 17 years. In one day, my chains were broken. For me, this was chains. This is my experience. This is where I’m at right now and I want to talk about it.

Full stop disclaimer: I do not tolerate gay bashing. This blog is not some anti-gay rant from an ex-queer chick. Hateful or homophobic comments will be deleted. I have no desire to tell other people what they need to do with their sexual orientation. That’s a very sensitive matter for queer folks and people need to be gentle with that. If you find yourself on that path, you have to walk your own journey. It’s up to the individual to navigate this and decide what they’re going to do about it. I have no interest in controlling anybody. I have a lot of love for the queer community. The last thing I want is to be hurtful to any of them. I’m not here to condemn or criticize or correct. I’m simply here to share my story with you. I know everyone has their own unique story. Mine might look different than others. That’s okay. I wish someone who had walked through similar things had shared their story with me. So, here is mine. I hope it resonates with the people who need to hear it.

Friday night December 6th around 7-7:30pm is a night I’ll never forget. The “impossible” happened. Something I didn’t expect that day (or ever) happened. Deliverance happened. I feel like I received a miracle. It was nothing short of a powerful move of God. I prayed through. Jesus broke my shackles and took my 17 year struggle of being bisexual. I never thought that would happen for me. I could cut to the chase and tell you about that miraculous night, but first I want to tell you the whole story.

You won’t understand the power of deliverance
if you don’t understand the pain of bondage.

Before I begin, I again want to make very clear that I am in no way condemning the queer community. I love them. I was one of them. Everybody has their own journey and everybody’s story is unique. This is mine. I never expected it to be mine. I didn’t believe people could be delivered until I met someone who claimed to be and it was undeniably evident that he was genuinely transformed. I still didn’t think that would happen for me. This was a very unexpected blessing, a move of God I am immensely grateful for. I’m not telling anyone else they need to change. I’m telling you I’ve changed. This is real. It’s genuine. Deliverance is authentic. This is my story.

I knew by the time I was 14

I heard the whispers from the time I was young. So and so was gay. So and so was living with another woman. People were so disgusted with it. Times were different in the 90s. It was much harder for openly queer folks than it is now. I was in middle school when I started wondering if it was normal to notice other girls like that. I mean I’d notice them. I was drawn to gals a lot more than I was guys. I didn’t know what that meant though. Expectations were straight, gender-conforming, marriage and family, aprons and homemaking. The possibility of being queer was a foreign concept. I had very little exposure to that way of life. I just knew people thought it was wrong.

By my freshman year of high school, I knew I was bi. I was 14. Again, I had very little exposure or education on anything not hetero, but I definitely knew I was bisexual. I was out to friends and wasn’t exactly closeted at school. I never came out to my family. I knew they looked down on people like that. I didn’t want them to be disgusted with me. There was no support back then outside of fellow queer friends. Well, we didn’t use the word queer back then. It was a hateful term thrown at people. This was the days when social media was brand new. Most of us were not using it. That significantly limited my knowledge or access to the queer community. I didn’t even know there was a whole community out there. I had no idea PRIDE parades were even a thing. This was long before the days you’d see rainbow flags and pride sprinkled everywhere each June. It was unimaginable. Gay couples even being allowed to marry was unimaginable. Most of us were not out publicly. You’d be a fool to flaunt it, asking to get your ass kicked. These issues were not discussed in the media. If they were, it was only in a negative light. An actress came out as a lesbian? That’ll end your career. The only thing I distinctly remember from the media back then was Matthew Shepard. We knew that’s what could happen to people who were openly homosexual. You could get murdered. You could get beaten. You were not safe. People were hateful. I didn’t know what PRIDE was. No one walked around high school with rainbow buttons on their bookbags. The term ‘ally’ was for war and politics. Times were so different back then. It was so isolating not being straight. The kids at school could be so mean to anyone they even thought was gay, especially the Christian teens. However, I was atheist. I was free to think as I please, unbeholden to Christian rules. Part of me felt like it was wrong to be gay (or half gay haha), and part of me felt like it was the most natural thing in the world. Kissing girls was far more preferable to dealing with boys. It felt natural to me. Yes, there was judgment. Who cares? Any standards of sexual purity were imposed by culture, not religion. I did what I wanted with who I wanted. And I couldn’t stand the Christians who hated people and tried to control entire groups of people who were different than them.

Becoming Christian meant shoving myself back in the closet

Things changed in November of 2005 when I became a Christian at 17 years old. The knowledge of sin came in. Shame came with it. Purity culture was introduced to me early on in my Christian walk, and I didn’t know how corrupt it was. This is when I went Side B. Of course, back then I didn’t know there was a term for it. Homosexuality was a sin. I couldn’t live like that anymore. I went so far as to declare that I’d save sex for marriage and everything. I was dedicated. I chose to live for Jesus. That meant denying myself and following after His ways. I traded happiness for righteousness. I voluntarily took on the burden of loneliness because my desire to live in a way that was pleasing to God exceeded my desire to give in to temptation. After all, I did like men. I wanted to marry a man and have kids. I had long hair. I could easily look the part. No one would ever suspect anything. I could be with a guy and no one would have a clue I was bi. I had stopped speaking to all the people I used to hang out with. I spent many years avoiding that crowd for fear of being outed. I wouldn’t talk about that part of my past. I wouldn’t acknowledge that it was still a part of me. Nope, I liked men and wanted a traditional family. I suppressed my attraction to women and did my best to deny my sexuality even to myself. Same-sex attraction was simply a thorn in my side. I carried on in my faith, not being any lesser than in Christ because I struggled with this one thing. I was still very much Christian and very much loved Jesus. I did my best to follow Him and refrain from sin or anything that could even lead me into temptation.

I spent my entire 20s alone (aside from a fling in 2015, but that wasn’t much more than sex). I never had a boyfriend. I never even had a date. It’s not that I didn’t want to. I just honestly never had a man I was that interested in. I had a few crushes, but nothing that was ever enough to go anywhere with it. I’d wait and I’d pray. God send me my husband, send me a godly man. I tried so hard to be a godly woman. I tried so hard to be feminine (well just not butch, okay?), righteous, and holy, someone a good man would regard as a woman of God. After becoming Apostolic Pentecostal in 2011, I even went above and beyond to follow traditional gender roles as if wearing skirts could purify my struggle. I mean, I do really like long skirts and I favor most traditional gender roles, but I buried myself in this look of purity. I buried me. I lost parts of myself in religion, in trying to be what I thought God wanted me to be. I lost part of that feisty woman who danced to the beat of her own drum. I was buried under a pile of holiness standards that suffocated me, but I was still daydreaming about women every night. He could never know. I would never tell my husband about that part of my past. I was afraid he’d be disgusted with me, maybe even leave me. How would I explain that one? I would never admit how often I was attracted to women or how much I thought about it. I would never tell a soul. I suffered in silence with zero support from anyone. Loneliness and shame tormented me. To cope with my struggle, I’d beat myself with bible verses as reminders to be repulsed by sexual sin. I knew all the verses. I publicly called homosexuality sin. I declared biblical marriage to be between one man and one woman. I was that person on Facebook calling it out for the sin that it is. I was trying to remind myself not to act on it. Hellfires awaited me if I gave in to the sweet temptation of a woman’s kiss, the kind of kiss which I desperately craved. The more I struggled the more I would speak against it. No. I was Christian. I had to follow holiness. Things got so lonely. I was deeply depressed. From time to time, I’d beg God to take it from me, but most of the time I was too ashamed to even talk to Him about it. It was a daily struggle, one I carried alone. No one currently in my life knew. I spoke to no one about it.

The tides turned

It was September of 2018 that things started changing for me. The locks I had on my closet door came off. The door cracked open. I began to explore the queer part of me. No one warned me there would be no shutting that door ever again. No one warned me how much pain there was if I stopped bottling everything up. I saw the movie trailer for Boy Erased on YouTube. It struck me hard. I heard about the book and immediately gave in to buying it on Amazon. I read the whole thing in one sitting. It shredded me. It tore me up inside. I mean enough to make me bawl my eyes out for days and throw up over it. That ripped me open. My struggle oozed out, throbbing with pain. I had no idea what conversion therapy was. I’d never let myself look into it. That’s for people that are willing to admit their struggle. I wasn’t brave enough to do that even in the confidence of a counselor’s office. I started looking into conversion therapy and got so angry about the unethical practices and their condemning approach. I started looking into LGBT rights and history. This was the world I walked away from. Things were different now. There was a whole community out there on the internet and social media. There were other people like me. This is when it began to consume me. I specifically remember a Facebook post where I defended the queer community publicly for the first time. It was September 2018. Someone had been kicked out of their Christian college because he was gay. I shared the story saying how ridiculous it was. The comments cut me deep. It hurt so much to see my friends and people from church so harshly criticizing the guy for being gay as if you can’t be gay and Christian, as if homosexuality were any worse a sin than fornication or adultery. I knew they assumed they were talking to a straight person. They wouldn’t talk like this to someone who was openly queer – well probably not – but the downside of being in the closet is Christians and conservatives will bash the hell out of LGBT folks and show how they really feel without realizing a lot of queer folks sitting in their pews look like them. They have this stereotype in their head and a hatred in their heart. The comments carried on and the heartache became too much to bear. I finally broke down and texted my friend about the post (which she had seen). She’s known me since high school. I thought she remembered I was openly bi back then, and we just never talked about it. I remember texting her, “I feel like if these people really knew me they’d set me on fire.” She didn’t understand at first. That ended up being an accidental coming out. I was so mad it just came out. I’m bi. I’ve been bisexual since I was 14. That’s never changed. When I realized I had just come out to somebody, I went into what can only accurately be described as gay panic. I never forgot that day. No one sees me. And now someone does. Someone sees the real me. That terrified me.

Months passed and I became more informed on LGBT history and rights. I had always turned a blind eye to it. I was so focused on the religious factor of it being sin that I lost sight of humanity. I didn’t see the broken people. I didn’t see the hurt. I was blinded by my own struggle. The discrimination became clear. The hatred became clearer. Was it people like me that oppressed them all these years? Was it people like me that made them feel beat down? Here they were out loud and proud being authentic to themselves. Here I was unseen and living life in the closet. What’s the point of coming out and being open with the struggle if I’m not willing to act on it? That’s taking on all the stigma and shame regardless of my sacrifice. As I learned more about the societal obstacles the queer community faced/currently faces, I became outraged over it. I started to talk about it on social media. I started to separate my religion and politics. I began to support gay marriage and other rights. I went from being this anti-gay religious nut to being a very vocal advocate for the queer community. As I posted about gay issues in politics, my social circle began getting smaller. More and more people from church unfriended me or stopped talking to me. It didn’t matter that much. I had stopped going to church in 2015. The homophobia became apparent. More and more conservative Christian “friends” cut me out. That would sting. And I’d turn to my queer community for love. I could always find compassion there. I talked about these issues more and more throughout 2019. This became a hot topic for me. I would get red hot mad defending the queer community. I’d wave that rainbow flag and drop those rainbow emojis with a warrior fierceness. Few things pissed me off more than Christians bashing/oppressing the gay community. This was an issue I couldn’t stop talking about. I thought about it daily. I was protective of them. They were my people even if most people didn’t know it. This matter consumed me.

I tried to erase the conservative I used to be. I’d go through my Facebook memories app daily and delete old posts. I deleted a lot of my religious blogs as well. I’d already stopped subscribing to many of the Christian social media pages I used to. I stopped liking the religious stuff I used to. What used to speak to me now bothered me. I didn’t even realize my faith was falling apart. I was still very much Christian. I loved Jesus. I maintained some conservative values, but I grew closer to middle ground. Politically, I moved closer to the middle and settled right of center. Education does that to a person. When it comes to being a queer Christian, religion and politics are very intertwined. It can be rough waters to navigate. What’s right for me? What’s freedom for other people? Where do you draw the line of societal acceptance? Such is politics.

It changes the way you look at yourself. Why am I like this? Why can’t I just be straight? Why can’t I make myself straight? Am I too masculine? Maybe if I …. Maybe I’m too independent. I’m naturally a leader, somewhat dominant, I like to organize things and make plans. Maybe guys would be more interested if I was one of those needy damsel-in-distress types that want to be rescued and told what to do or think. Nah, I can’t stand those women. I’m not even capable of being that girly girl that needs a man to change a lightbulb. I like to talk politics, business, and humanity. A lot of the topics I like are male-dominated. Do I think like a man? Maybe if I dressed more feminine? Maybe if I didn’t let anyone see me in all those men’s t-shirts in my closet or men’s pajama pants? Maybe if I wore more makeup? I don’t even like makeup. Did my hair more? How can I be more feminine like women are supposed to be? It makes you question your identity, the clothes you like, the way you sit and pose for pictures, how you talk, everything. Our society is so wrapped up in gender roles that fit neatly into this little box of expectations. I don’t fit neatly into either. Maybe if I did… Maybe if I tried harder to look and act the way women are supposed to… Maybe I wouldn’t be like this if I could make myself be like that.

Do you know what it’s like to be torn between your faith and who you are? Sexuality is a big part of a person’s identity. Being torn between your sexuality and your Christian conviction not to act on sinful desires leaves a person in turmoil. This is effing torment. It’s like being ripped in half, aching, throbbing, bleeding, wounded, empty…. I can’t think of any words that can articulate what it feels like to be a queer Christian trying not to live out your flesh’s desires. It hurts too much for language to convey. It’s a throbbing pain, a daily pain. It’s a struggle that doesn’t stop, year after year, nothing changes. Some days the struggle is worse than others. Some days it’s a constant distraction. Some days the broken pieces cut deeper than other days. That may sound dramatic to someone who has never experienced it. If you’re a queer Christian, you know what I’m talking about. And the more the churchy folk throw their dislike and judgment at the queer folk, the more it pushes them away from church and God. The more Christians are cold-hearted to anyone that falls into the LGBT community, the easier it is to integrate into that LGBT community (even if you belief it’s a sin) because there is acceptance there. You can be yourself with them, and typically there is an understanding respect of the choice to be Side B. I feel like the church likes to differentiate between homosexuality and same-sex attraction. Some like to say that same-sex attraction isn’t a sin and act like it’s not a big deal. Hear me well: It’s the same thing. The chains are the same. Whether you’re denying yourself or allowing yourself what you want, what you want is the same thing. Saying you’re same-sex attracted but not really gay because you don’t act on it is a big dose of denial. You’re still queer; you’re just alone. On the flip side, acting like people need deliverance from homosexuality but sugar coating same-sex attraction like it’s something different or lesser than does a disservice to all the Side B folks (LGB folks who feel convicted not to act on their attractions) who also need the same chains broken.

It was April 12th when I came out to a second friend, this time someone who is gay and understands the Christian struggle. He didn’t show any shock. He was gentle in his response and supportive of me doing whatever is right for me. He knew I wanted a traditional family, and he said that’s okay. That was so healing for me. To be seen and not be treated any differently… to not suffer alone… to be understood. He is a great friend who became my confidant. I nicknamed him my queer mentor.

Also in April, I saw a testimony going around Facebook that stopped me in my tracks every time I saw it. I’d heard of ex-gay testimonies. I knew they were out there. I just never believed them. But this one….this was different. His before and after pictures struck both parts of me, queer and Christian. He looked so at peace. There was something about it. When I read that he was also Apostolic Pentecostal, it resonated with me hard. This guy, Jeremy Fox, is local to me. He goes to a church I’ve always felt drawn to. And from the time I first read his testimony (gone viral in the Apostolic community), I couldn’t get it out of my head. He said he was delivered. Is that possible? Friends from church would share it. I’d read it again every time his posts were shared. I never commented or left any reaction on the posts. I definitely never shared because that would go against my pro-queer crusade I had going on. But I always read it, and I’d ponder it often. There was always something different that’d speak to me. He actually understood. Here’s an Apostolic Pentecostal person who shares my faith and knows what it’s like to be queer….except he’s not anymore and I am. I was never able to forget that testimony. It planted a seed. It planted hope. Was it possible to actually not be attracted to the same gender anymore? It seemed genuine. If deliverance is possible, I wish I could have that…..

It was May before I finally let myself watch the movie Boy Erased. I rented it on YouTube and watched it 3 times. It sent me into an emotional mess for days. I couldn’t stop crying. Again, that sparked an outrage in me. I couldn’t stop thinking about or talking about gay issues. I’d always keep it in politics and culture though. I’d tiptoe around the religion card, only discussing it with people I felt safe being vulnerable with. It was June when I celebrated PRIDE for the first time. I deeply longed to be out there at the PRIDE festival, but I held myself back. I wished I hadn’t. I was still afraid that people might see me and know. Instead, I stalked queer Christian Facebook pages. I liked the love is love type posts, but usually wouldn’t let myself share them. I spent hours scouring the internet reading coming out stories and watching videos on YouTube of people sharing their experiences, specifically as queer Christians. I’d secretly listen to gay pride songs almost every day. This consumed my mind on the daily. On the last day of June, I finally posted a blog about why I celebrated PRIDE for the first time. I left religion out of it and kept the focus on politics and human rights. Again, the social circle got smaller. The criticism got larger. My confidence grew in speaking on these issues. I stopped caring so much what people thought. This is me…

It was late in the summer 2019 when I became affirming. I had started reading queer theology for the first time. I watched a lot of Kevin Garcia videos on YouTube. As a faithful conservative Christian, I’d never let myself read anything that was written from the other side. It felt so healing to hear from queer Christians. It felt like…this is me. One by one, the “clobber verses” as we call them were dissected. It could also mean this or that. Look at this history. Look at that context. Things became foggy. My years of conviction turned into confusion. I was born this way. I never chose this. Why would God make me like this and then say it’s a sin to be this way? That doesn’t make sense. What if… What if it’s normal? What if the biblical family structure was cultural? What if it’s okay to be gay? I’d study the scriptures again and again. Everything felt so foggy and confusing. I didn’t understand anything anymore. What was once crystal clear became chaos. What was once conviction became a constant questioning. I remember the day I learned that 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 and 1 Timothy 1:7-10 didn’t say homosexuality until the 1940s. That was my breaking point. That was the day I felt deceived and betrayed; it hurt so deep. There wasn’t enough. There wasn’t enough in the bible against same-sex couples for me to carry on with saying people shouldn’t love who they love. My emotional wounds bled. The scars pierced jagged through my core. It hurt too much. I couldn’t take the torment any longer. I threw in the towel. I declared myself affirming, publicly at that. I even posted a blog in September on the topic and shared my views. I gave in. And you know what? It felt so liberating!! In hindsight, it felt like freedom because I stopped fighting. I stopped recognizing this as a spiritual battle. I let go, and it felt good. It felt right. “It’s normal” is what I would say a million times. It’s normal. It’s normal. It’s normal. Love is love. There’s nothing wrong with loving people and being good to somebody. Deep down it still felt like sin, but I told myself that shame was from culture.

Another thing, I liked being affirming. I liked the inclusive message, the unconditional love, the acceptance of different types of families. I liked sticking up for them and parading my pride for the queer community’s progress and current battle. I liked showing them love and acceptance. I liked that I had let go of separating my faith from my sexuality. I chose acceptance. It was easier.

I started coming out to people throughout the year. The more people I came out to the less scary it was. After I “came out” as affirming (and my social circle got smaller again, that hurt), I started to think about coming out publicly. I feared it. I didn’t want to be on the receiving end of the stigma. I couldn’t handle it. I’ve got thick skin, but this matter was just too sensitive. It’s a sore spot. It hurts too much. I talked about gay issues more and more, adamant that it was my responsibility to advocate for the queer community I once used to speak out against. The way people reacted to me being affirming, it hurt so much. It cut so deep. If only they knew the pain. If only I could put into words the way it aches and throbs and consumes….on a daily basis. If only they knew how hard I fought for all those years. Don’t give into temptation. Be a good Christian. Be holy. Do the right thing. Pick up your cross and carry it. This is your sacrifice. It’s just the thorn in your side. Carry on. Don’t think about it. If only they knew how hard I tried. I struggled more and more with my attraction to women, and I hated it. I’d try not to think about it, but that was impossible. So I’d get out my bible. When I couldn’t concentrate on reading, I’d try to pray instead. I’d listen to worship music for hours and hours turned up loud enough to drown out my mind. And yet… my sexuality remained the same. 80% of the time when I was attracted to someone they were a woman, and that attraction was strong. I’d never been attracted to men as strongly as I was to women. I hated this. I didn’t want to be this way. I wanted to fall in love with a man, have a godly marriage, and a big family. My body’s desires were so contrary to my heart’s desires.

I began to fear that I wouldn’t be happy if I was with a man anyway. I began to let myself imagine being with a woman. I couldn’t wrap my head around how gender roles work in a same-sex relationship. Nor did I know how to meet women, well not the right kind of woman. I want whoever I date to be Christian. I want us to be able to go to church together without having to hide our relationship. What about having children? More and more I was tempted. For the first time in my life, I had accepted being bisexual. I had become okay with it. I didn’t like it, but I accepted it. The layers of shame melted away. This is normal. This is me, like it or not this is how I am. I was ready. I was finally ready to meet someone. I even told a few friends that. And then I hesitated. Isn’t it selfish of me to date someone I’m not willing to marry? I’ve always believed the purpose of dating is to find your spouse. I’m very old-fashioned. How will I ever find a woman who is old-fashioned like me and Christian like me but also queer? And what happens if I do? My heart ached and grieved over the idea of never getting married and never having kids. I guess that’s not in the cards for all queer folks because I just can’t. I can’t go there. That’s not what I want. But I was bisexual, I had come out as affirming, and I was ready to come out publicly because this consumed me and I wanted to be free from the secrecy of life in the closet.

I know a lot of people had already caught on with as often as I talked about gay issues on Facebook. That used to terrify me that I suspected they knew or had assumptions. At this point, I didn’t care. This. Is. Me. I was so sick of hiding. Coming out is liberating. It’s freeing to be seen for who you really are. I didn’t want to hide anymore. I am who I am and I wanted to own it. I was ready. When it comes to coming out, when you’re ready you’re ready. It’s a journey to get to that point. It’s not easy. That’s an understatement. It’s really frickin hard to be a queer Christian from a conservative background trying to navigate your faith and sexuality and how you want to live. It’s a lot to work through, and everybody has their own path working through all that and figuring out what to do about it.

Redirection and a gentle conviction

I left the church. I backslid hard in 2014 while I was still attending church and I quit going in 2015. At one time, I was in church every week at least twice a week. Then I’d go a few times a year. Then it was once maybe twice a year. I knew when I started defending gay rights that it’d be pointless to go to church. The Apostolic Pentecostal world is ultra-conservative. There are too many people there that won’t talk to me, too many dirty looks. I’m too different. Yet I longed for church and a faith community. The very thought of attending church would send me into an anxiety attack. It’d been years since I’d been able to attend church without having an anxiety attack. All year long I thought about starting to go to an affirming church. I was convinced that’s what I needed. Yet there was emptiness there, a worldliness there. Those churches were so liberal. I want a church that teaches Oneness, biblical salvation, and does baptism in Jesus’ name. I want a church where I can feel God’s presence. I want a church that knows how to praise. I also want a church where I can be myself. I’m still Apostolic Pentecostal. I also happened to be queer.

On October 13th, I went to church. That was actually the second time that year I’d gone. I went once in the spring. I didn’t go to go have church though. I went for closure. I was leaving the church altogether. I was done. I was leaving church. I’m not like them. I’m not holy like they are. I can’t live up to these standards of perfection. I can’t do this anymore. I’m just not a churchy person. I never thought I’d be one of those people who call themselves Christian but hate church, and yet there I stood. I went with a friend who knew I was seeking closure. I couldn’t stand being there. I didn’t sing. I was irritated and overwhelmed. I couldn’t wait for it to be over. I texted a friend throughout the sermon and went on and on about how I don’t belong here. I left. I said bye to a few friends. There are people there that I love and want to stay connected with, but I thought church isn’t for me anymore. I walked out of those doors fully intent on never going to church again. I’d rather go to a gay bar. I was falling far away hard. I had already lost my way, but this was different. This was a complete giving in. This was going back to the way I was before I was even Christian. This was a “rediscovering me”. This was a throwing in the towel on organized religion altogether. I only wanted Jesus. I didn’t want church or denomination or man’s opinion on how I should be or live. I left. I don’t know what would have happened if God hadn’t redirected me that day. Actually, I do. I know exactly where I would have ended up. I was making my way to Jefferson Street. My boundaries and restrictions were gone. I was giving into things I thought I’d never do, but they lured me and had me hooked in my mind before I even went there. I was an increasingly vocal and passionate advocate for the queer community. I was increasingly angry at Christianity for their homophobia. I left the church. And I struggled in my relationship with God, but oh how I craved being connected to him like I used to be. There was a void in my life spiritually. He knew exactly where I was headed. So did I. I was just too exhausted to care anymore. I surrendered to the battle, too weary to keep fighting the good fight. I just wanted to be happy.

I declared that I just officially left church for good. God said no. I hadn’t even made it home and he redirected my steps. He pulled me to go to that Lighthouse church on Harshman Rd. I’d never been there, but I’d always felt drawn to that church even before I was Apostolic. It had been on my mind to go there for months. I’d wanted to visit for several years. I said no. Did you hear me? I’m done with church! I’m not like these people. I’m not holy like that. I can’t live up to that. Just leave me alone. God pulled me hard. I felt compelled to go there. I argued. I finally decided to go. I didn’t know anybody there. I didn’t even know if they still had an evening service. So I Facebook messaged one person I knew that went there, Jeremy, the guy with the testimony of being delivered from homosexuality. We had spoken once before. I messaged him about his testimony; I think that was in September. Yes, they have an evening service. He invited me to come and sit with his family. I remember he said, “Listen to the pull.” So, I did. I took nervous wreck me all red and blotchy with anxiety and found my way there. I was a hot mess express. Did I not just officially declare that I was leaving church? I’d been thinking about it for over a year. I’m. Not. Like. Them. And yet there I was. I was angry. I was hurt. I had so much going on in life. My life had fallen apart. I was struggling so bad. My anxiety was through the roof to the point that it was debilitating. I was broken. I just sat there wondering why God insisted I be there. Was it the sermon I needed to hear? Did He have a message for me or something? I mean, really, why did He call me there? I sat there in my purple flannel and purple dreamcatcher earrings with dark purple lipstick mentally listing out all the reasons I couldn’t be Apostolic anymore. But I looked around that sanctuary and thought it was odd that it felt like home. And then the choir started. Wow. This is church. I felt God. This is what church used to feel like. It didn’t take too long before I realized why God had me sitting there. It was a Spirit-filled service and prayer filled the sanctuary. To this day I remember what I heard that night. Not in the sermon or in the songs, but in someone praying in tongues. They were behind me (99% sure it was Jeremy but I didn’t want to turn around and stare) and I heard them crying out in prayer. They prayed in tongues and it was like hearing myself pray but I had lost the ability to pray like that. I know the bible talks about interpreting tongues and I’ve heard my old church talk about it, but I’ve never seen it. This was different. This person was praying in tongues and it was like my soul was crying out. I heard someone else crying out to God with the depths of their core, the kind of crying out for God you can only know when you’ve known darkness… the kind of crying out for Jesus you do when you need Him to rescue you. I’ve never experienced anything like it, and I’ll never forget how powerful it was to experience that. I knew there was something there for me. I compromised and said I’d come here sometimes maybe once in a blue moon when I feel like going to church. I knew I had to come back.

I came back to the Apostolic Lighthouse Church on November 3rd. Instantly, I was back in church every week. It wasn’t even an active decision to get back in church. I kept going because I really want to be there. I could have never imagined how much God would do for me over the coming weeks. I fell in love with church again. My frequent panic attacks were replaced with peace. My constant (and I do mean constant 24/7 never ending all consuming) anxiety improved. I had a calmness that I hadn’t had in a long time. My emptiness didn’t feel so empty anymore. My worry turned to praise. My fears turned to faith. Within a few weeks, I had a joy in the spirit like I had never had before. Jesus was restoring me piece by piece. I didn’t think that was possible. I was just trying to survive. I was so broken. I was hurting so much. Truly, words cannot express all that I was going through. I needed God. Nothing else could fix this brokenness. He saw fit to redirect me somewhere that I could find healing.

Something else happened: conviction. I talked to Jeremy a lot about his testimony. To be honest, I thought about it daily. I even talked to other people about it (maybe excessively?). It seemed so real. I didn’t think it was possible, but here he was living proof. I could tell you I’m affirming and that people are born that way (and can’t change!), but also not even I could deny what God had done for him. He was undeniably transformed. He is living for God, has a strong prayer life, is a worshipper, and is someone I would genuinely call a man of God. Somehow I instinctively knew that he was unchained. He really is set free. Once I realized it was real, I wanted it too. I didn’t think God would do it for me. I said everyone’s story is different. His story is not my story. I didn’t get deliverance, but I was happy for him that he got that. And things began to change. I stopped wanting to find a woman. The attraction was still there, but I couldn’t bring myself to living it out. I started to feel like it was wrong. I remember the day in November I sat in church and during a sermon a thought came to me, “It is normal…in the flesh, but those who walk in the Spirit aren’t supposed to live like that.” It was a gentle thought, presented with such gentleness that I couldn’t be angry. I knew it was the Holy Spirit talking to me, and I knew it was conviction. I grieved. Back to Side B, I guess. Back to loneliness and struggling and bleeding from the thorn in my side. Maybe someday I’ll meet a man and actually be happy… Again, I studied the scriptures. They seemed clearer now than they did this summer. Okay, so I know this isn’t for me, but I want other people to be happy. I can’t ask someone else to suffer like I have. God knows how to convict you with truth but do it with such gentleness and kindness that it doesn’t offend or shame. God does have a structured design for the family and guidelines for sexuality. This is sin. It’s normal in the flesh. It’s no worse than fornication (which most of us have done). It doesn’t make you a bad person. It doesn’t mean you’re less of a Christian. Not everyone struggles with this so maybe that’s why it’s treated like a different kind of sexual sin. The stigma is cultural, not biblical. It is a common desire for the flesh, but it’s not for you when you’ve chosen the path of following Jesus and striving to live righteously. Walk in the Spirit. This sin has you in bondage so deep you don’t even think it’s bondage anymore. It owns you. Know it for what it is: Sin. Bondage. Chains.

That miraculous night, a powerful prayer, and deliverance

2019 December 6th
(I wrote this part a few days after it happened)
It was around 7 at night. I was listening to worship music on my phone. I felt the need to pray. There’s been so much going on. So many needs. So much to be thankful for. I just wanted to talk to God. It’s been so amazing these last few weeks since I came back to church just over a month ago after backsliding years ago. I was walking the living room as I was praying. I stopped by the recliner and stood still for a moment. I suddenly felt the presence of God so strongly, strong enough to stop me in my tracks. I felt this touch of Holy Spirit fire in my belly. I’d never felt anything quite like that before. At the same time, I felt compelled to pray about being queer. No, I’m busy. I’ve got other things I’m trying to pray about. I don’t have time to talk about me. I’m trying to pray for a couple other people. I’ve got a list. No… It hurt. It hurt to even talk about it, even to God. I thought why should I pray about that when I’ve asked God a thousand times before to take it from me and nothing changes? I’ve repented before and nothing changes. It hurt to think about trying again. It’s been almost 20 years! This felt different though. There was a strong presence of God that came at the very moment I felt prompted to pray about that. I didn’t know what to do. What do I even say? I knew this was different. I could feel it before I even started to talk to God about it. What was happening? Something was about to happen… I began to pray. It was just a conversation with Jesus. I shared my hurt with him. I shared my confusion with him. I shared my struggle with him. I felt the presence stronger. I knew I needed to keep pressing. Keep pushing into prayer. I’ve felt his presence before, but not like this. There was a power here. I admitted that I didn’t even know if I understand the scriptures – things had become so foggy this last year or so – but I knew this was bondage. I knew this was sin. I didn’t like admitting it, but deep down I always knew it was sin. I knew these were chains I couldn’t break. I kept pressing. I told him how much this hinders me, how badly I want a family, how I want a biblical marriage and godly household, the desires of my heart. I poured my heart out to him. I admitted the pain I try to deny even to myself. It hurt so much. I didn’t want to be like this. I didn’t ask for this. I never chose it. I can’t change it, but I know he can. I repented. Nobody likes doing that, but I knew that’s what I needed. Deliver me. Unshackle me. Cleanse me. Purify me, God. I want righteousness. I want holiness. I want this struggle to be gone. I don’t want this 17 year battle to continue. Break these chains. I actually felt like somebody had their hand on my forehead while I was praying. I walked the living room as I prayed in the Spirit. I was praying in tongues so loud you could surely hear me outside. I know I’m Apostolic Pentecostal, but I’m one of those quiet Pentecostals. I never get loud, ever! I was crying out for him. I kept pressing. I felt his presence stronger. I kept praying. That Holy Ghost fire got so strong I couldn’t stand anymore. I dropped to my knees. Unshackle me. That’s one thing I said a couple times, unshackle me. I remember telling Jesus I don’t even want this queer identity that has become how I see myself. Just take it from me. I was so emotional. I don’t usually get emotional, but this…. This was the depth of my core crying out. I was on my knees, hand raised, chin quivering, crying, and feeling the Spirit so strong when I said something I don’t normally say. It just came out. My chin quivered uncontrollably as I said, “I surrender.” I felt Holy Spirit fire from the top of my head to the soles of my feet. This must be what people mean when they talk about that. I’d never experienced it before. It was the most powerful presence. I remember my eyes were closed because right after I said “I surrender” I literally felt something lifted off of me. I opened my eyes and looked around. My whole body was tingling. It felt like Jesus himself just passed by. I knew what had just happened before I could even speak. It was so powerful, so undeniable, and I felt different. I felt different! I felt like something had been taken out of me. I felt different…and I knew. He just took it. He took that from me, for me. He just delivered me of homosexuality. I felt so different. After a moment, I stood up. I was a bit shaky and needed to sit down. Did he just deliver me? The thought crossed my mind, “Well only time will tell. Don’t tell anyone yet.” And that was immediately countered with the thought, “Nah. I know. He just delivered me.” That presence was so strong. That move was so powerful. That Holy Spirit fire was so real and consuming. It was undeniable. I was delivered. I made my way to sit down in the chair and texted a friend telling her everything that just happened. I told her, “I just prayed through.” I told her for a few weeks I’d been feeling convicted, and for a few days repentance has been on my heart. That gentle conviction has been moving me. I felt so different. Lighter, clean, redeemed, delivered. Something was lifted. I feel unshackled. I’ve been delivered. Minutes passed and I still felt embers from that Holy Ghost fire. Second only to the night I was filled with the Holy Ghost and spoke in tongues that sweet first time, this was the strongest experience of praying through that I’d ever had. This was such a powerful move of God; it could not be denied or even questioned. I didn’t want to be bisexual. For me, this felt like bondage. It felt like chains I couldn’t break. It felt like the biggest hindrance to the type of family and lifestyle my heart wanted. And Jesus thought I was worth it enough to come set me free from that bondage. He broke my chains. He changed me. Truly, I came out of that prayer different.

In the days and weeks that followed

Shock and awe filled the days after. There was part of me that was wowed. For the longest time, I believed the lie that I was born that way. I fully believed people could not genuinely change their orientation…until I heard a testimony of deliverance. I do believe Jesus is a chain breaker. I do believe he is a deliverer. I know Him well enough to know that he can move mountains I can’t and he can change things that I can’t. I was undoubtedly bisexual for 17 years. I say that firmly. I wasn’t questioning. I wasn’t confused. It wasn’t a phase. I knew who I was and what I was in regards to orientation. Though I chose the suffering of Side B and not acting on it and managed to not meet someone after I became affirming (hello hermit crab life), I absolutely knew quite strongly that I was bisexual. There was nothing I could do to change that. And in one day things changed. In one prayer, God moved and delivered me and changed me. I’m not the same. I have completely lost my attraction to women. I have zero desire for that. I don’t want it anymore. I don’t want it. And those first few days after were filled with shock that God did that for me and it is real! God is capable! I was also filled with awe at His goodness. It felt good to have that burden lifted off of me!!

There was a period of adjustment after that night. It was a huge change, one I wanted but still an adjustment. It blew my mind that my attraction to women was gone. I see women now that I used to crush on and there’s nothing there. There are absolutely no romantic feelings at all. It was almost weird at first, such a change. In an instant, God took that from me. It is no longer a part of me. Queer is no longer my identity. Bisexual is no longer my identity. Bisexual is no longer my struggle, my chains, my silent battle. It’s real. That’s what I kept saying to myself over the weekend, “It’s real.” And I knew from that night I wanted people to know it. I want people out there who are wishing God would take this from them that deliverance is actually possible. It’s very real. It’s genuine. I’m not lying when I say my attraction to women is completely gone. Believe me, it shocked me. I was equally shocked to realize I’m actually more attracted to men than I ever have been. I’ve never been like this. It’s like God swooped down and made that part of me new. He didn’t just fix what was broken. He took out the brokenness and made something new. I’ve literally never been oriented this way.

It took a bit for this to feel normal. It is right, but it’s also different. I’ve never been this way. I did have something like a grief in my adjustment. This changed me and transformed my daily life. Who am I now and where do I belong? For a few days, I kind of felt like I lost (an unwanted) part of my identity because I had labeled myself that way for so long and I didn't know how to identify or what to tell people. Who am I now? I’m 100% okay with that change, but there was definitely that thought of “Okay, so I’m no longer queer. What am I now? An ex-gay? A former Side B? Delivered.” I guess straight is the accurate label, but regular brand of straight seems odd. I don’t even like the word straight. It felt weird to say “I’m straight” after so many years of being bi. This is some unusual category of haven’t-always-been hetero. A piece of me felt like I suddenly became disconnected from my queer community (I mean *my* community of friends that are somewhere in the LGB rainbow alphabet), and I worried how it would affect my friendships. Also, where do I belong now? I moved from one community to another (queer to formerly queer), one that was largely unseen as people often stay quiet on this topic. It’d be nice to meet other people who have been through similar things. For a few weeks, I felt like I had suddenly relocated to a new community where I only knew one person. All adjustments steady with time though. It still amazes me that I am exclusively attracted to men now. It’s such a change it still blows my mind a little bit. It amazes me. That part of me is a new creation.

A few days after things changed, I noticed my media feed needed some cleansing. I had already left the queer Christians group I was in on Facebook when I started feeling conviction. I unfollowed the Facebook pages that no longer spoke to the new me. I deleted the YouTube playlist with all my pride/lez songs I used to listen to. I’d tell YouTube “not interested” on a video when my regular gay videos would show up in my recommendations. I unsubscribed myself from all the queer theology stuff I had been following for some time. No one told me to do these things. I simply had no desire to be following that anymore. It didn’t do anything for me anymore.

I started telling people I’ve changed. Some took it well and were happy. Others are salty. Many think I'm in denial. Honestly, I can’t concern myself with other people’s opinions of me or my life experiences. This is my story and I shouldn’t have to hide it because some don’t like it. Just like queer folks shouldn’t have to hide because society wants them to be different. I’ve realized this is a coming out process in its own right. It’s very similar to coming out to people that I was bi… except I think it surprises people more to hear that I’m not the same as I was.

As the weeks passed, I noticed my own growth and transformation was so different from the way I had been in the recent months that I didn’t even recognize that part of who I used to be. The other day I was scrolling through my texts looking for a certain conversation. I scrolled back too far into October. I read my own text bubble and thought, “Who wrote that?!!!” I didn’t even recognize my own statement. It was very gay lol. I don’t talk like that anymore. I don’t think like that anymore. I don’t want that anymore. That’s not me anymore. It’s no longer a part of me. It’s only been 7 weeks, but I’m so far transformed from how I used to be that it feels like years.

It is who I was, and I love that person. She was not less of a Christian for being bisexual. Queer folks are not lesser than. All the heartache of struggling with that is only memories now. I don’t feel the pain anymore. I remember who I was and I remember how I felt and I definitely remember the way other people made me feel (for better or worse!), but I’m no longer walking in that bondage and deep pain. I’ve been set free. I am different.

Update: As more time passed, the new me (in regards to my sexuality) came to feel normal. I adjusted socially. Some friendships remained. Other friendships suffered division no matter how gentle and respectful I tried to be. People had their reactions to my testimony. I’ve remained changed. Nothing is hidden, nothing is suppressed. I can be real with myself and take a good look at authentic me. I’m genuinely changed. I’m not like I used to be. I can’t explain how freeing that is to not struggle anymore. My eyes are fixed on following Jesus and walking in his ways. That includes living righteously and taking a godly approach to relationships/dating/courting until I am married to a godly man. This feels right to me. This is what I want. I want to be right with God and live in a way that is pleasing to him. There is a protection in following God’s ways. My heart has transformed to be fully in alignment with God’s desires for marriage and family.

I am immensely grateful for what God has done for me. I know I’m not worthy, but he thought I was worth it enough to break my chains. I don’t know why he thought I was worth saving, but I’m grateful he made a way. He overcame what I could not loosen. He moved mightily and lifted away what consumed me. I strayed. He was patient. I was falling far away hard. He pulled me hard to the Apostolic Lighthouse Church orchestrating everything together for me to hear and experience what I needed. I twisted and denied his word trying to be affirming to justify my own desire for sin. He convicted me gently. His loving kindness amazes me. I am in awe of his love. His grace abounds.

Why am I telling you this?

I don’t mind that people know my story. I’m not ashamed to have been bisexual. I’m not ashamed to be delivered. I know who I am and where I’ve been and I own it. It feels good to come out and talk about it. It’s freeing. It’s liberating. It’s a huge relief. When I was bi and I would come out to people, it always felt like a barrier was broken. I was done hiding. No more shame, no more secrecy, no more closet life, no more worrying about walking on eggshells afraid that people would know. And, in a way, telling people I’ve changed has felt a lot like coming out again. Of course, there is worry over what people will think or what they will say or if I will be treated differently. Nevertheless, it feels good to come out and say it. It feels good to be open about where I’m at now. I like where I’m at now. I’m happy about it! And I don’t think I should have to keep it quiet because there will be people who don’t like my experience.

That being said, it is scary putting this out there. Why? My fear is that hearing a testimony of deliverance will be hurtful to the queer folks who consider it a struggle to be queer and they don’t want to be whatever queer category they fall into (bi, gay, lez, etc..). I know the “Why not me?” thought may cross their mind just like it did mine when I first heard deliverance. My big fear is that it will be hurtful to someone who is where I used to be. It wasn’t that long ago that I was majorly offended (and honestly deeply hurt) at ex-gay testimonies. Quite frankly, they pissed me off… because I couldn’t change and I thought no one could actually genuinely change and the whole thing hurt. The whole topic is a sore spot. It’s a sensitive matter for all queer folks.

I want people to know my story because I want people to know God’s power. I want people to know that Jesus is capable of breaking these chains. I want to glorify him. Yes, it’s scary putting this out there. It’s vulnerable. I know the trolls will come. I know this will bring negative attention. I know there will be stigma and permanent labels. I know this story is all some people will see when they look at me. I know there are people who will deny the validity of my testimony and others like it. I know a lot of people think I’m just in denial for some reason (I get it; I used to say the same about those formerly LGBT people). And I know there are people who hate me for saying I’ve been delivered. But if I can reach just one person…. If even one person can experience the deliverance they’ve been longing for…. If even one person can be set free from what they feel is bondage and chains…. It’s worth all the criticism and stigma to reach those it will help. I honestly had no idea deliverance was even possible until I heard someone’s testimony. I really didn’t. How can people know if no one is willing to talk about it for fear of upsetting people? Whoever it is that will be reached with hope and seek and receive deliverance after hearing this testimony, I want you to know what freedom feels like. Listen to the pull. There’s a reason you’re reading this.

To the queer community

I love you. I mean that. You were my people, and you were good to me. You are loving and accepting of the vast diversity of people for who they are. You are welcoming. You are kind, compassionate, patient, and understanding. You reach out for the rejected and show love to the broken. I know we may have different views on religion or righteous living. That doesn’t mean I look down on you. I respect that you are authentic to who you are and what you believe. I want you to be able to express yourself and still be safe. I want you to be treated with decency. I want you to be given respect as equally valuable human beings.

I don’t want to tell you what to do. I really don’t. I have no desire to go around telling queer folks to repent, go Side B, whatever. I’m not interested in throwing bible verses at people like the clobber verses are weapons. I know you have studied these things more than straight folks ever do. I know you have spent years thinking over it, praying over it, maybe tossing back and forth on it trying to figure it all out. You have to walk your own journey. Study the scriptures for yourself. Pray for conviction and God’s direction. It’s up to every individual Christian to try to live righteously in the best way they know how. And how you feel on this topic may change over time. I think it does for many of us.

I know there are a variety of perspectives on this topic of sexuality and gender throughout the queer community and society. If you find yourself in a similar situation to where I was, here is my advice.

Love yourself. I hope you look at who you are – queerness and all – and I hope you love that person. You are worth loving. If you’re seeking change, don’t ever do it out of self-hatred.
Know that being queer doesn’t mean you’re not a real Christian. While I do believe homosexuality is sin, it’s not any worse than fornication or other sexual sins (such as adultery) that are so common in our society people barely bat an eye to it. We are all sinners. You can absolutely be gay and Christian. Don't let this make you lose your faith. You don't/shouldn't have to leave the church. Don't allow this matter to push you away from God. Keep loving Jesus. Keep the faith. Keep following after Him, studying the Word, and praying regularly. God still wants you.
Be safe. There is a lot of hate and homophobia out there. Discrimination is still common. Be aware of that. Coming out isn’t always easy. Being queer isn’t a cakewalk. Set boundaries and follow your instincts. Take care of yourself.
Walk your own journey. This is one thing you’ve got to navigate on your own.

I know this is a deeply sore topic, and I know the stigma and the criticism you get just for being you. For some, they may be totally fine with being LGBT. For many, they wish they weren’t this way. I could say I was affirming and okay with it all until I was blue in the face, but deep down I still hated being bi. I didn’t want to be that way. I accepted it for what it is and thought it could never go away. Here’s the thing: I would not have known deliverance was possible and genuinely the real deal if I had not heard the testimony of someone else who was brave enough to speak out. I wish somebody had told me that many years ago. I wish I had heard testimonies of deliverance over the years. It would have given me hope when I was in a place that I believed I would suffer with this burden for the rest of my life. I know for me, if I had known I could have what I have now, I wouldn’t have stopped asking until I got what I was seeking. So, that’s why I’m baring my skeleton here. I want you to know that it’s real. I’m not here to show you condemnation. I’m here to show you redemption and restoration. If you’re someone who is Christian, believes homosexuality is a sin, but feels trapped in these chains that you can’t break on your own, let me tell you the chain breaker can deliver you from this bondage. Don’t think it’s impossible. Jesus is capable of it. Believe in His power. Turn to Jesus. Seek his truth. Read his word. Walk in his ways. Take one step at a time. Continue in the right direction. Your deliverance will come. For a long time, anyone saying deliverance will come would have highly offended me because mine had not come yet and I didn’t think it ever would, but I’m so glad someone gave me hope that it was possible. It may not come the first time you seek it. It may take years. It may be something you battle for a long time. I do believe God will deliver those who believe in his power and seek deliverance wholeheartedly… all in His timing. Perhaps, that is naïve to believe everyone who seeks will eventually be delivered, but I’d rather have a naïve hope in God’s love and power than a hopeless burden I wouldn’t pray for help with. I think the thing that was different about the night I got delivered compared to the many other times I had asked God to take it is that was the first time I was willing to lay it down. I had asked God to take it many times over the years, but I still viewed it as part of myself. I believed I was born this way and couldn't really change. I had doubted his ability to transform my life. I held onto being bisexual as part of my identity. I gave it residence to stay when I claimed it as my own. What was different that night is that I was willing to call it what it is (sin, bondage) and I was willing to let go of it. I stopped claiming it as my identity. I chose to pursue God's ways and his desire for how I should live. I really wanted to change and for the first time I really had faith that he would do it for me. Maybe I just needed to be to the point of being sick of being torn apart by this thing that I was ready to purge my life of it. I don’t understand why it took so many years. I don’t know why I had to suffer for so long. I don’t know why I had to go through that. What I do know is that I’ve been delivered. I’ve been set free. My bondage is gone. I’m walking in liberty. I’ve been redeemed. He’s restoring me. And, oh, let me tell you it was worth it to pray about it one more time. It was worth it to take it to God even when it hurt and to push through in prayer until he lifted that burden off of me. If that’s something you want, seek it and don’t give up until you get it…

Is Old Testament moral law still for Christians to follow?

4/11/2019

I’ve been told, “but the moral law still applies”. I’ve heard many times the Old Testament had moral law, ceremonial law, and civil or judicial law (punishment for sins). Judicial law is no longer needed because Jesus took the punishment on the cross. Ceremonial law is no longer needed because Jesus was the perfect offering, the sacrifice that took our place. Moral law is the same before and after the cross because God doesn’t change his mind on right from wrong. Have you been told this as well?

Did you know that this teaching is not from the bible? The belief that the Old Testament had moral, ceremonial, and judicial law is called the tripartite theology of law. It’s a medieval era Catholic Church teaching that is still taught in the Catholic Church today. It has carried over into many Protestant churches as well and is applied in social expectations throughout Christian culture (ex. “You’re not supposed to do _______ because Leviticus says _______.”). Introduced in the 1200s by famous theologian and highly influential Catholic priest, Thomas Aquinas, this theology was his personal opinion on the relevancy of the law and the different categories of law. Earlier theologians such as Augustine (354-430AD) had similar perspectives on the law being dividable and its relevancy for Christians as moral guidance. Martin Luther (1483-1546), John Calvin (1509-1564), and John Wesley (1703-1791) all brought similar theologies into Protestantism. This begs the question: Does this theology align with scripture?

The Old Testament made no division of moral, ceremonial, or civil/judicial when teaching the law. What does the New Testament say? What did Jesus say? What did the apostles teach in the early church? Let’s take a look at the scriptures.

Matthew 5:17-18
“Do not think that I came to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I did not come to abolish but to fulfill. For truly I say to you, until heaven and earth pass away, not the smallest letter or stroke shall pass from the Law until all is accomplished. (NASB)

Matthew 22:34-40
Hearing that Jesus had silenced the Sadducees, the Pharisees got together. One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question: “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” (NIV)

Luke 24:44
Now He said to them, “These are My words which I spoke to you while I was still with you, that all things which are written about Me in the Law of Moses and the Prophets and the Psalms must be fulfilled.” (NASB)

John 1:17
For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ. (NIV)

Acts 13:38-39
“Therefore, my friends, I want you to know that through Jesus the forgiveness of sins is proclaimed to you. Through him everyone who believes is set free from every sin, a justification you were not able to obtain under the law of Moses. (NIV)

Acts chapter 15 particularly verses 5, 10-11, and 19

Verse 5: But some of the sect of the Pharisees who had believed stood up, saying, “It is necessary to circumcise them and to direct them to observe the Law of Moses.” (NASB)

Verse 10-11: Now therefore why do you put God to the test by placing upon the neck of the disciples a yoke which neither our fathers nor we have been able to bear? But we believe that we are saved through the grace of the Lord Jesus, in the same way as they also are.” (NASB)

Verse 19: “It is my judgment, therefore, that we should not make it difficult for the Gentiles who are turning to God. (NIV)

Romans 3:20-24
For no one is declared righteous before him by the works of the law, for through the law comes the knowledge of sin. But now apart from the law the righteousness of God (although it is attested by the law and the prophets) has been disclosed— namely, the righteousness of God through the faithfulness of Jesus Christ for all who believe. For there is no distinction, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. But they are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus. (NET)

Romans 6:14
For sin shall not be master over you, for you are not under law but under grace. (NASB)

Romans 10:4
For Christ is the end of the law [it leads to Him and its purpose is fulfilled in Him], for [granting] righteousness to everyone who believes [in Him as Savior]. (AMP)

Romans 13:8-10
Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for whoever loves others has fulfilled the law. The commandments, “You shall not commit adultery,” “You shall not murder,” “You shall not steal,” “You shall not covet,” and whatever other command there may be, are summed up in this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Love does no harm to a neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law. (NIV)

Galatians 3:22-25
But the scripture imprisoned everything under sin so that the promise could be given—because of the faithfulness of Jesus Christ—to those who believe. Now before faith came we were held in custody under the law, being kept as prisoners until the coming faith would be revealed. Thus the law had become our guardian until Christ, so that we could be declared righteous by faith. But now that faith has come, we are no longer under a guardian. (NET)

Galatians 5:1
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. (NIV)

The Old Testament promised a savior. Jesus came and bore the cross for us. He fulfilled the promise. He fulfilled what was spoken about him. We are under the law no more. We are under grace now, living in a new covenant. Commanded to love God and love others, this should be what we live out.

The Old Testament is still a sacred text. There is certainly wisdom in the Old Testament. There is the history of God’s people. There is encouragement and inspiration. I find it important to read and understand. There is right from wrong, good from bad. It is in the New Testament that we come to a greater understanding of righteousness and holiness. The commandments and the righteous guidelines of morality are summed up in the New Testament’s greatest commands to love God and love your neighbors. Do no harm. Love others. Such is righteousness. Love is our moral compass.

I do not remember when I was first taught this tripartite theology of law. I know it was early on after my conversion to Christianity. I accepted it as truth because it made sense in my youthful understanding of righteousness and grace. I was taught bondage. Christ revealed freedom to me. There is liberty to be had in letting Jesus cover what he is supposed to cover and staying on the path that is intended for those following Jesus. There is protection in not straying into olden ways. Random verses from the Old Testament books of the law, particularly Leviticus, are often still taught as mandates in conservative circles. These cherry picked verses are scattered among fields of gospel and New Testament principles, littering our walk with God and causing us to stumble. They are ball and chains we drag along as we pick up our cross and carry it. We consider these things sin and willingly take on extra yokes to carry on our necks as if more yokes award boasting rights of self-sacrifice and religious dedication. When these random verses are thrown at people like weapons, people justify it by calling it moral law. This does not match scripture.

Christians need to let go of Old Testament law. It’s legalism. It’s bondage. Unbound – that’s what we are intended to be when we are under the cross. Let go of legalism. Stop cherry picking from the books of the law. Stop chaining yourself with unnecessary yokes as religious dedication. Stop holding it over the head of anyone living exclusively in the New Testament that you don’t do x y z because blah blah blah. That’s the kind of thing the snobbish Pharisees would do. Stop threatening people with damnation if they commit an Old Testament abomination. Stop. This is not the liberty in Christ we are supposed to receive. This is not liberty. It’s legalism, and it needs to be called out. Walk away from it. Don’t be held in bondage to the law before Jesus took the cross. We are free in Christ. The teachings of the New Testament are enough. We need not add to it or take away from it or chain it down with yokes impossible to bear.

Faith . . . Grace . . . Righteousness . . . Liberty . . . Love . . .
Be free from legalism
In Christ alone

Why I'm Still Christian (former atheist)

20/10/2019

Welcome to blog 4 in the series on my faith journey.

Click here to read the first 3 if you’d like.
Part 1: My Journey
Part 2: Why I Was Atheist: Reflections of a Christian Convert
Part 3: Why and How I Became Christian

Nearly 14 years have passed since I became a believer. I’m still here. I’ve seen many leave or lose the faith. I’ve seen people who were raised in church with all the right religious upbringing wilt because they had no roots of their own. I’ve heard it said you can’t go to heaven on your grandma’s apron strings. I’ve seen people be grafted in who come from all walks of life, often rough backgrounds where they found themselves crying out for God in the midst of their darkness. Even ministers and leaders have dried up and disappeared. I’ve seen devout Christians become atheist. And here I am: the atheist turned Christian. Why? Why am I still here despite all the problems within Christianity? Quite simply, Jesus.

Jesus. Jesus. Jesus.

That’s why I’m here. I’m here because of who he is. I’m here because of who I am in him and the way I’ve grown in him. I’m here because he’s been good to me. His people aren’t always good to others, but He is.

I’m here because I crave his presence. I crave the peace that comes from being near him. I crave understanding his word. I crave Him. It’s not a casual love. I love him deeply.

God is always there for me. That might sound silly or cliché, but he is the one I reach out to in the middle of my rough times. And he is the one I praise in the good times. And he is the one I put my trust in, knowing that things may not turn out the way I want them to but he is with me no matter what.

I’ve felt his presence. I can never walk away from that.

I’ve seen his power.
I’ve seen miracles. I’ve seen God do the impossible. I've seen lives be transformed. I’ve seen healings that science can’t explain. I myself have had healing in my body several times in ways that no logical explanation can cover. My church has an abundance of testimonies of healings. They are real. They aren’t just stories. I know many of these people. God still heals.

He is my healer.

He is my comforter.

It’s his name I cry out when I am in despair. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. To be vulnerable, it’s his name I literally cry out when I have panic attacks. Jesus. JESUS. Jesus. Come here. Come to me. Stay with me. Don’t leave me. I need to feel your presence. I need your peace. It’s his name I cling to when my anxiety is bad. It’s him who I fall at the feet of when depression takes hold of me. I’ve known darkness. I’ve known the depths of suffocation. I’ve had more than my share of demons. I’ve battled tremendous anxiety that made me suicidal. For years I battled, and He kept me going. He was always with me in the fire. It’s so different than darkness was when I was atheist or agnostic. That darkness had a coldness to it that words can’t utter. Struggling with dark things like depression, anxiety, grief, trauma, heartache, hopelessness….. it’s very different as a Christian. The darkness is there, but the light is always with me. I may feel surrounded, but he comes into those spaces and wraps his arms around me. I do believe he fights for me. I absolutely believe he protects me. I am his. He brings his light into even the darkest of nights. That doesn’t mean that real Christians don’t go through dark places in life. It means that we won’t be alone when we do. He’s not afraid to come into whatever your darkness is. He’ll walk with you through fire. He’ll protect you from the flames.

He is my Jehovah Jireh. He is my Way Maker. When he hasn’t made a way yet, he’s with me in the waiting room.

He loves me despite my imperfections, my brokenness, my darkness, my flaws, my sin, my shortcomings. He knows my scars and every wound and the depths of my darkest times; yet he still wants me. That’s a powerful love.

I know him and I want to be with him. Sometimes it’s really that simple. Through the good times and the bad times and the hurt times and the hopefulness and the brokenness and the blessings, I want to be connected to God. Through the frustration with his people, I still want to follow him. Through the heartaches of life, I still talk to him.

We all have seasons of growth. Some seasons I am closer to him. Other seasons he seems far. I am not a perfect follower. I am sassy and stubborn. I can be rebellious. I question everything. But my love for God has never faded. My understanding has evolved. I’ve gone through times of confusion. I’ve traveled through deep forests of seeking truth in the fog. I’ve had revelations and breakthroughs. I’ve had stumbling blocks. At times I am more of an ambitious student of the scriptures than at other times. But my roots in Christ are so deep nothing can tear me away.

In a way, it’s much like family. It’s a choice to believe in God. It’s a choice to follow Jesus. It’s a choice to want to be connected to Him. It’s a choice to be dedicated. And I choose it daily. No regrets. Not once have I ever regretted being a Jesus follower.

I want to know him. I want to be with him. I want to learn from him. I want to understand his word and his will. I want to walk with him. I want to be in his presence. I want to stay in the light. I want to be like him. I simply and deeply and truly want Jesus. I love Jesus. And that is why I’m still Christian.

That may sound like an overly simple answer, but love is a powerful force. I love Jesus, and I’m not walking away from him no matter how hard the Christian walk gets. I’m here to stay.

Why and How I Became Christian (former atheist)

20/10/2019

My conversion was a slow one. I spent a long time thinking things over and exploring. It wasn’t like a person shared the gospel with me and I accepted it on the spot. Seeds take time to grow.

I explored a bunch of different religions. I stayed pretty solid in my atheism. I’m a science and logic person. I don’t believe in things I cannot see, experience, or analyze.
READ part 2 of this blog series: Why I was atheist

I felt drawn to explore Christianity. I had explored other religions. This wasn’t much of a different approach. This was a major religion. This was also the religion and its people that fueled my atheism. I thought I could prove it wrong. It wasn’t logical to me.

I had a Christian friend I asked questions to. I had a million questions. I wanted to understand. I was heavily skeptical. I pondered these thoughts for months. I tried reading the bible to understand this Christianity thing – should I choose to be interested in it. I was more interested in proving it wrong. The historical factors tugged at me. Over time, my desire to prove it wrong turned more into considering that it might be right. Could it be true? If it were, why would God want anything to do with me? Months passed and I mulled through a forest of questions and meditation over all these things.

And then things were different. It was November of 2005. I experienced something that I didn’t expect that I didn’t know how to explain. I felt God. I felt his presence. And it was like I met someone. Almost like when you connect with someone’s energy and there’s this cord there you can’t scientifically prove, but it was so much stronger. I’m a facts and logic and science person. I’m not an emotional person. I wouldn’t call myself much of a spiritual person, but I’ve always believed in energy and vibes and auras and intuition. And I believe in those things because I feel them, undeniably felt deep in my core… a connection. This presence… it was God. I couldn’t see him. I couldn’t bottle this presence up and analyze it in a lab. The only way I know to explain it is it’s like love. We all know love is real. Not only is it real, but it’s a powerful force. We can feel it. We know deep within us when we love someone. Yet it’s not a physical structure in front of us that we can fully explain. But it’s real. Love is real. And it was like that… that kind of strong, that kind of valid, that kind of real. It was experienced. I felt God’s presence and I knew he was real. It’s that simple and that unexplainable and that powerful and that consuming and that convincing. It is that. It’s real. It’s a force that can’t be contained or fully comprehended, especially as a brand new believer. But with that undeniable presence I felt, I believed.

Once I came to know without doubt that Jesus is real, the decision to follow him was a compelling one. I didn’t know if he’d want me, but I knew I wanted him. I became a believer. I became a Christian.

I believed and decided to follow. To me, that’s what makes a person Christian. I prayed, though I wasn’t very good at it. I tried to read the bible, though it confused me greatly. I did not have a church or go to church for over a year after becoming a believer. Part of me wanted a church and part of me didn’t. I tried to be more Christ-like, though my understanding of him and his ways were very introductory. I stumbled, but I continued the walk. And with time, I grew.

READ part 4: Why I’m still Christian (nearly 14 years later)

Why I was atheist: Reflections of a Christian convert

20/10/2019

From hardcore atheist who couldn’t stand Christians to being a devout Christian is nothing less than a powerful transformation. This is my story.

I was raised in a home with Christian parents of different denominations. We didn’t have a church. We did have bibles. We didn’t do bible studies or Vacation Bible School or anything like that. They taught me about God through their faith, and I accepted it as fact when I was young. By middle school the science and logic part of me had kicked in and I didn’t believe in things I couldn’t see. Around 14 I started exploring different religions. I’ve always liked to study religion. That’s certainly not a bad thing. I found Christians at school to be jerks. They were so rude to anyone who wasn’t like them. I made some non-Christian friends and went through a Wiccan phase my freshman year of high school. I liked the earthy natural feel, but the belief in it didn’t last. Again, I don’t believe in things I can’t see or experience. I felt like there could be or maybe should be a god out there, but didn’t find a religion to fit me or that felt right to me. Perhaps my biggest turn off to Christianity was the Christian youth I encountered and their treatment of people who weren’t like them. Whether that be atheists or any non-Christian, the goth crowd, the queer community, or even their own kind with a different subcategory label (denomination), they had no tolerance for the diversity of humanity. From time to time, Christians will ask me about my atheist years or my conversion to Christianity because they want to share the gospel with someone. There were several reasons I was atheist. I’ll share them here. Please do continue in the blog series on my faith journey to hear the rest of the story about why and how I became Christian, why I’m still Christian, and chapters of my story unfolded.

Why I was atheist:

I’m a science and logic person. I’ve never been very spiritual. I believe in what I can see and analyze.
Christians are often jerks to non-Christians. Being rude or talking down to someone did not make me want to join their club (church).
Their focus on sin and threats of eternal torture if I didn’t join their club did not make me want to join their club. Telling me I will go to hell and burn for eternity if I don’t believe what they believe made me want nothing to do with them. The lake of fire is not exactly a good cover photo for a ‘Come to Jesus’ brochure. Seriously, people. You can’t threaten someone into the Christian faith. Not authentic faith, anyway.
It’s rude to tell people they are sinners. Christians accept the sinful nature as part of their faith’s way to describe bad actions. To non-Christians, telling someone they are a sinner sends the message that they are a bad person. Why would I want to join the faith system of someone who thinks I’m a bad person? One thing I like to tell people who want to evangelize is this: Don’t preach sin at people who don’t know who the savior is. Share who God is and the message of his love before you go condemning people for their failures. Maybe try explaining sin and forgiveness, redemption, grace? You know, throw some of the good news in there instead of Condemnation 101 and nothing else.
They can’t figure out what they believe. How can they be the one true religion if they argue over everything? The fact that there were so many denominations was a big hesitance for me.
They’re so fake. They beat people with their beliefs and chosen labels, but they don’t live out their faith. Insert post it note: I was 17 when I became a Christian. I have far more grace for people in my 30s than I did in my teens. I saw their hypocrisy and assumed it was because their God wasn’t real. If he was, wouldn’t they love him enough to follow after him? Wouldn’t they be more like him?
They look down on anyone different.
They have no respect for people who are not like them. They have huge problems with people if you don’t agree with them. They act like they have to have their way in everything, including other people’s lives.
I do remember the tension among Christians between those in church and those not in church. I wanted to avoid the negative vibes coming from the church crowd.
Peer pressure and the desire to fit in with the mainstream isn’t a pull for me. Back then, people would act like you just had to be Christian because it’s the thing that the right people do. It’s interesting to see the demographics on religious adherents over the decades. It used to be that it seemed like everyone was Christian, at least where I came from.
Ghosts were a reason I didn’t believe heaven and hell could exist. Christians said people went to heaven or hell, no other options. Yet I saw ghosts from the time I was very young. I actually stopped seeing them after becoming Christian. Still, I had seen ghosts before my eyes. So, the Christian idea of afterlife couldn’t be true. There had to be people trapped here. There had to be a thin veil between this world and the afterlife. Perhaps, that was a silly stumbling block of my youth. Nevertheless, that was a big reason for me to remain an unbeliever when I started questioning Christianity.
I seek truth, answers, and understanding. I was never interested in a superficial faith for popularity points. I felt like there was a truth out there and I wanted it but I couldn’t find it.
I was ignorant to history regarding Jesus of Nazareth. I had no idea that the historical figure actually existed. Reference the works of Josh McDowell and Lee Strobel. The historical factors fascinate me. I like facts. When I came to know those things, I was compelled to look further into this Jesus thing.
Trying to read the bible from the beginning was some freaky stuff. The Old Testament sounds crazy and disturbing.
Again, Christians were often unkind. This was the biggest reason I was atheist. To this day, the way Christians mistreat people repels me.

Jesus made me want to be Christian.
Christians made me want to be atheist.

Important note: There are many good Christians out there. They represent Christ with their love and their character. I do not want to sound like I’m bashing all Christians. Many are good people who live out their faith righteously. Sadly, the bad fruit can turn a person away from the whole tree. Please know that I’m not bashing the good while I acknowledge the bad here.

And, again, not all Christians are like this. Not everybody does these things. No one is perfect. Nevertheless, a lot of these bad behaviors/perspectives are more common than we care to admit. They can also do more spiritual damage to a person than we care to admit. The way we treat people matters. We represent Christ. We represent our churches. We have the power to build up and we have the power to destroy. Be thoughtful about your messages and your communication techniques.

Though I am absolutely a believer in Jesus and an imperfect follower covered by His perfect grace, there are often times Christians remind me why I was atheist. I always see both sides. I see the Christian side of things because I am Christian. I see the non-Christian side of things because I was once among that crowd. I’m going to share here the things I see going on in Christian circles that turn people away from God. I hope that Christians will consider these things without offense and give consideration to how they come across, particularly to non-believers.

First of all, denial and gaslighting of the issues within Christianity can so easily push people away from churches and away from God. I’ve been told I make the church look bad when I talk about issues in the church such as ignoring domestic violence. Some people act like we need to pretend it’s all roses so other people want what we have. Plenty of times I’ve seen people gaslight and act as if a person who has been wounded by churches or Christians it’s somehow their fault (they probably aren’t forgiving enough or they’re being judgmental or they’re causing division by calling out abuse, etc…) People who are brave enough to bring attention to issues for the sake of purging or improving are often the people who get blamed instead of the person who actually did something wrong. Deny. Deny. Deny. Act is if everything is great if you just look at it with a positive perspective. Denial.
Secondly, the expected censorship of real issues bothers me. How often are churches and churchy people silencing victims because going public would make the church look bad? There have been numerous abuse scandals in several denominations that are notorious for silencing victims. Domestic violence victims are silenced. Abuse victims are told not to talk about it. People want to protect the church’s reputation even if it means sacrificing the sheep they are supposed to shepherd. How often are Christians told not to talk about things like depression or whatever life’s struggles are because they’re supposed to make the gospel look good? This is censorship, and it is often victim-blaming. I can’t blame the shushed people here if they choose to leave the church. Understandably, such things hurt their relationship with God.
This is a big one for me: Truth with a capital T. I have visited many churches and talked to or listened to just about every flavor of Christian. One thing most of them have in common is they all think they are preaching/teaching/following truth. Denominations feel they are more right than other denominations. Some feel that they are the only true Christians. Christians usually feel their interpretations are more accurate than others (understandably or they’d probably change their interpretation). The problem isn’t that everyone thinks they are following Truth. The problem is all too often churches or individuals are so zealous for what they believe to be true they become adamantly opposed to anything different. They get angry at differing opinions. They go out of their way to tell others that they are wrong because they are so hell-bent on being right that they forsake the command to love others because there is a fire in them to argue. ((I fully admit I have been guilty of this many times. I like to discuss controversies and explore them.)) This Truth with a capital T is a stance where no other interpretation is possibly valid or even tolerated with a decent amount of respect. I will also say I am incredibly hesitant to return to any church that is zealous at declaring others wrong. I won’t talk religion with people that are like this. And people who are like this are the people who make atheism look friendly. Communication tip: Instead of telling other people what they believe is wrong, focus on explaining what you believe and why. Don’t correct people or talk down to them!
Christians look down on everybody else. They act as if only Christians are good people. They often feel that their faith is the foundation of all morals and values thus raising them to the responsibility of being society’s moral compass. They seem shocked to find out about all the non-Christian charities out there or the missionary/ministry type work that others are doing without it being a Jesus thing. It’s like they expect people who aren’t Christian to not have any family values or traditional lifestyle. Their VIP club is superior to every other community because they believe they are following truth. ((We can believe and live out what we are convicted is truth without treating others as inferior.)) They kind of have this idea that anyone who doesn’t have Jesus in their life must be walking around super depressed living in darkness (within grasp of the demon caves of secularism) without having purpose in their life and desperate for the gospel so they can find happiness and belonging. Reality check: Not all non-believers are depressed or feel that they are in darkness. Not all Christians are happy.
They devour their own so badly non-believers may be afraid to even step into Christian circles (ex. go to church). If they tear down their own so harshly with heated division between denominations and doctrine, surely they would shred a non-Christian who stepped into their territory.
They are the most (the most!) judgmental and verbally critical religious group out there. They tear people down more than any other religion (short of religious extremist terrorist groups). They brutally judge, condemn, criticize, demeanor, and so forth every little thing about everybody. One only needs to step into Christian women’s groups on Facebook to see what I’m talking about.
Nothing is ever good enough for them unless you do it exactly like them. Stuff like this can make a believer fall away from the faith or at least from fellowship with other believers. You know who I’m talking about. The type that thinks anything more conservative is legalistic but anything more liberal is blasphemy or spiritually unripe or fallen away. The type of Christian that insists you believe like them and live like them and maybe even dress like them because they view themselves as the instructor even though you never asked them to boss you around.
They lack tolerance for diversity in beliefs and interpretations. Just as well, they lack patience for those at an earlier or less mature point in their walk with God. Ironically, while they are lacking in tolerance and patience these are people who can never decide what exactly is true. They disagree amongst themselves over every single aspect of the Christian faith. Many people change their beliefs over the years. ((And it’s okay to change as you grow.))
They are divisive. They’re often more focused on what divides them from other Christians or their denomination/church from others instead of focusing on what unites them. I’ve visited churches who bash other denominations from the pulpit. I never go back to those churches.
A person can easily feel more love (and acceptance for who they are and where they’re at in life) in “the world” than in the church. Anyone who comes from the world or has backslidden will tell you how much love they felt in the world. Let me tell you something about atheists. They don’t judge you for your sins. The secular world is far more accepting of others. Secular folk often do a better job at loving the vastness of humanity than Christian folk do.
Nosy, so nosy. They are. They get into the nitty gritty of things that are personal and ask questions that many would consider inappropriate. The worst part is they are being nosy to sniff out sin and call it out as if the Holy Spirit will convict you on the spot if that Christian asks you point blank if you’ve done _____.
They can be really rude with the holier-than-thou attitudes. Why would anyone want to be part of a club where they are never good enough? The snobbery found in church crowds is enough to make a lifelong church goer switch to staying home on Sundays.
Compared to secular life, Christians and their churches are excessively controlling. They pry into every aspect of a person’s life telling people what to do and not do, how to do it, the right way and the wrong way, and how high to jump.
Homophobia is a strong force in the Christian world. At large, the secular world is accepting of the gay community. Christians are the biggest haters of the queer community in America. For many queer Christians, the hatred thrown at them is the main thing that causes them to leave the church or even the faith altogether. It is Christians who push the queer folks away from God. What’s sad is these people who have been pushed out or left because they were hurt are people who were trying to be there. They try to follow God and be in church and be in Christian circles only to be shoved down and kicked out by the people that profess to follow a God whose greatest commandment is to love.
Sexphobic ~ This may sound weird or excessive, but this is coming from the perspective of the atheist/agnostic old me. These people, Christians – especially the church going ones – are obsessed with sex. They are obsessed with forbidding it. They ask people if they’ve had sex, when, and with whom. They ban it before marriage with threats of hell to those who deviate. They tell you when you can have sex (after marriage). The church dictates what is and is not permissible in the bedroom rather than the couple deciding together what they are okay with. They treat sex as this bad, shameful, filthy, dirty thing that is a woman’s gift to her husband. Ironically, they only talk about not doing it. They never have healthy conversations about sex, consent, expectations, boundaries, etc… They also have strict rules on dating, kissing, any physical intimacy at all. It’s just weird. As Christians, we know that God designed sex for marriage. As non-Christians, it is freaky and pervy that these people are so sexphobic. Sex is a normal, natural, good thing that we desire. It’s human nature to have sex. It’s human nature to desire connection with others and intimacy. Outside of self-discipline for religious reasons, there’s no valid reason to be so anti-sex. Even as a Christian, I find this stigma around sex to be odd. For non-Christians and Christians alike, it is a barrier to be stigmatized in churches and Christian circles. And these are the people that want abstinence only education because real life sex ed is probably of the devil.
Purity culture goes hand in hand with the above point. To non-Christians this is a really, really weird thing to hear about. That’s enough to make anyone want to run away from those who adhere to it.
Women are a step down always. This is bothersome. For a woman who was not raised in church, this can be a big stumbling block. Even for a woman who has been rooted in church, the stifling box of gendered expectations and restrictions makes the secular world look like liberation.
Spiritual abuse is common.
Mental health disorders are treated as a spiritual deficiency. That burns my biscuits. I myself avoid church when my anxiety is bad. People who suffer with anxiety or depression are encouraged to pray it away rather than address root causes or seek professional counseling or (God forbid) choose to self-care. Even for devout Christians, the stigma of mental health in Christian circles can be bad enough to make a person leave the church and question their relationship with God altogether.
Political oppression is a specialty of theirs. They like to call equal rights for everyone an attack on their religious freedom or their religious rights to discriminate or even Christian persecution when their archaic perspectives are no longer popular opinion.
Church history is dark with centuries of mistreatment, oppression, and control.
Churches expect your money and your life. They demand dedication weekly or twice weekly. They act as if the frequency of your church attendance is the measuring cup for your faith. They insinuate betrayal if you go to another church. They want you to dedicate hours of your life to them every single week or else you’re not enough.
The constant “The world is ending” or “Jesus is coming back because _____” (fill in the blank with a totally normal event such as bad weather or a crime in the neighborhood or maybe a tad bit of politics) end times talk makes them look delusional and out of touch with reality. It appears they cannot cope with the struggles of this world. So, anytime something bad happens they just say Jesus is coming back. The end. They don’t seek real solutions to social issues, economic or political crisis, or environmental problems. The default cry to end times makes the atheist/agnostic club look like the hot spot for intellectual conversation.
Another thing, this is just something people who grew up in church say that annoys me. The unchurched. Can you not call people that? It’s not offensive to call a person atheist or agnostic or simply not Christian if those are the labels they identify as. Refusing to call someone atheist because that’s a bad word to you while you find it more polite to call them “unchurched” is the kind of eye-rolling religion pushing that makes people want to poke you with a stick so they can run.
Every single one of the people that have wounded me the most have all been deeply religious Christians – not just Christians, but the deeply religious ones who often boast of their faith filling their Facebook feed with devotions and scripture topped with the cherry of a bible verse in their bio or cover photo yet in reality they are ravenous beasts. The extended family (I should say relatives, not family) that have hurt me the most are the most religious. The people who cut everybody out in attempts to isolate themselves from anyone not like them in faith and lifestyle are the ones who pride themselves on sharing the gospel because they went on a 2 week poverty tour mission trip or because they are in church every Sunday faithfully and involved in xyz ministries/programs. The “friends” who stop talking to you when you interpret one thing differently because they are so religious that they have not love for anyone who is not like them… The people who preach love with their lips but destroy people with their words….those people. Those are the ones that wound people, and they are representing Christ plus their churches. The former family and friends that have scarred me to the point of profound wounds that changed me as a person have always been the religious ones. I emphasize religious ones because they are active in church and somewhat fluent in scripture (so is the devil), but they have not love and are not Christ-like at all. And, quite frankly, the Christians who wound people deeply are the ones who push people away from God. They are the ones that make me not want to be in their faith community. Christians that damage and destroy others are the greatest case for atheism/agnosticism.

I've repeatedly encountered all of these issues in the bullet points above (except the church history one). This is my experience. I've also experienced loving Christians. I've experienced Christians who are welcoming, inviting, friendly, truly kind, compassionate, patient, and have the fruit of the Spirit in their lives. Those experiences matter too . . . but I'd be lying if I said the issues in the bullet points above didn't affect my Christian walk.

It is not easy to be Christian. It is downright difficult to be Christian. Can I be honest? It’s actually easier to be atheist – well, socially. The hard thing about being Christian is not the challenges of following Jesus, although it can be rough to pick up your cross (your sacrifice) and follow in His ways. The hardest part of being Christian is not the self-discipline of denying your flesh (or worldly desires). The hardest part of being Christian is being among the Christians in the bullet points above. Those Christians – those churchy religious folk who mistreat others – push me away from church and Christian circles . . . but they can’t push me away from God himself.

Despite all this, I came to know Jesus and felt compelled to follow Him. Nearly 14 years later, I never lost my faith. I am His. He is mine. And I love God with the depths of my heart. My journey to him may not be your typical way to go about it, but my roots in him are firm. I will not let go; neither will he. To read about why and how I became Christian, read the next blog in the series here.

My review of KDP (Kindle Direct Publishing)

17/3/2019

Merged over from CreateSpace, KDP has some similarities to the beloved CreateSpace and a handful of differences as well. For a detailed list of similarities and differences for KDP users that previously used CreateSpace, check out my blog on that here.

The good

The paper quality is decent. I’ve seen better, but I’ve seen worse as well. At least it’s a crisp white. The cream paper is a perfect shade. You can’t tell the books are self-published.
The vibrancy of coloring on the covers is amazing. Sometimes I sit and stare at my books mesmerized by the beautiful covers. It truly is a high quality color.
A lot of things are free with KDP. This is a great option for authors on a budget.
- It’s free to sign up. There are no membership fees or annual fees of any kind.
- It’s totally free to publish a book with them.
- If you can’t afford your own ISBN as recommended, they provide one. However, that does list them as the publisher.
- They are connected to distributors at no additional cost to the author.
- It’s also free to make changes to your book. If you find a typo or want to make a small revision, it’s extremely easy to do so. You can upload a new cover as well.
If you do desire to make a few changes, your current version will stay live and available to buy until the revisions are approved. There’s no need to pull it off the market.
You can choose to unpublish your book right from your dashboard. You don’t have to contact support to have that done.
As soon as it is published, it is available on Amazon. There is no wait period. Eager readers can buy it within minutes of publication.
You can also run ads on Amazon easily with KDP.
If you have your book in paperback and Kindle, all of that is managed from one dashboard.
There is no threshold to reach before you can be paid. Payments are deposited at the end of the month 60 days after the sale has taken place. Example, your sales from January will be deposited at the end of March.
You can order copies from as little as only one copy of your book to as many as 999 copies.
The cost of ordering copies for the author is decently priced. Other print-on-demand companies are very expensive.
They are made in America! That is very important to me.
One nice feature on their dashboard is the ability to filter your books. You can filter it to only show books that are currently live. If you have books that you’ve retired or are in the draft stage, this is a nice feature.

The bad

Proof copies come with a gray “Not for resale” banner across them. It kind of puts a damper on pre-launch promotional pictures and videos. It looks less professional.
Your announced launch date may or may not work out. When you submit your book for approval to publish, it can take hours or several days. They automatically publish it then. You have no control over the date and time it is published. Some users report being stuck in a limbo with over a one week wait time before being published.
Their computers may flag your book as unapproved for things that aren’t actually an issue. For example, one of my books was flagged as unacceptable due to small font. It’s written in Georgia font, size 14. I called them and they said their formatting specialists would review it. I resubmitted the book as it was. It was approved. Days later when their formatting team emailed me they couldn’t figure out what was an issue in the first place.
All books published through KDP are required to be available for distribution on Amazon. While CreateSpace and other print-on-demand companies allow the author to be in control of distribution and able to have privately printed books, KDP does not. Some authors wish to sell exclusively through their website or at events. Others have published private books for their own family that they do not want available to the public. This privacy is not an option with KDP.
Your cart redirects you to Amazon when you want to order copies. You have to request copies instead of being able to order them immediately. You will then be redirected to Amazon’s regular website. It feels less professional this way.
Shipping to the author takes a lot longer than shipping available to customers. 2 days versus 2 or 3 weeks is an unreasonable gap.
Another thing is the loss of BISAC categories. Your genre can now only be chosen by a drop down menu that matches Amazon’s categories. You can’t enter your own BISAC code.

The ugly

Their quality control standards for their covers are subpar. The feel of the cover and the coloring is truly excellent, but don’t expect it to line up the same way with each book. The spine moves several millimeters. I’ve had covers with them that the image is straight up crooked. It’s incredibly frustrating to receive a perfectly aligned cover with one order and then the next order looks like some DIY job put together with a touch of alcohol on the breath. I feel like no matter how meticulously I design my covers I never know if it will be lined up where it should be. That reflects on me as the author, not the printing company that readers don’t know.
Their cover creator is a pathetic joke. Just pretend it doesn’t exist. You’ll need to upload a professionally made cover. You also have to have your interior’s final page count before being able to do the cover.
Customer service is awful enough to throw a monk into a rage. They pass off every issue to another department or some so-called expert. Nothing gets dealt with. When they “look into” an issue they rarely stay in communication with the author. They also close cases as solved that were never even addressed. The company is so big that is seems to be apathetic to providing quality customer service.

I’ve had a few bumps
– big bumps –
with KDP.

When I was merged over from CreateSpace, I was never paid my royalties. That was in August. I’ve contacted them repeatedly and been given the run-around repeatedly. They refused to give me a date. In January, they finally told me they would pay me by the end of March (after I accused Amazon of stealing from me). I won’t hold my breath. It’s March now. No sign of payment in sight. Update: We were finally paid in May.
I tried to retire several books to publish new editions. I write nonfiction. I update with new editions every few years. It should have taken a matter of days to unpublish and have that go through. It took over 2 months along with many, many emails. For some unbeknownst reason, they continue to retire some of my books repeatedly including two that were retired with CreateSpace long before KDP was even a company. None of this has been communicated with me. Update as of July: This issue seems to have been solved. I'll update again when I do new editions and see how that goes.
They sold two copies of a book that was supposed to be out of print because it had been replaced with a newer book. When I contacted them about it they insisted that those were old sales that for some unknown reason had not been reported until now. No, they sold books I did not give them permission to sell.
I published 3 books on October 29th. It took until February for 2 of them to show up on expanded distribution. In comparison, CreateSpace used to take maybe 2 weeks. For added fun sprinkles, one of my books has never shown as available on other websites (ex. B&N) and another one has disappeared.
The first two orders I received after publishing were damaged. I had heard concerns over the quality of their published books compared to their proof copies. The proof copies had been fine. {Note: I have found the quality of published books to be exactly the same as proof copies.} So, I started out ordering one copy of each of my 3 new books. 2 of them had glue on the pages causing the pages to rip apart. The pages also seemed quite thin. They were see-through. It looked no better than standard home office printer paper. It took a lot to get them to refund what I paid for the 2 damaged copies. They went on to tell me to order more if I still want those books. Again, I ordered one copy of each. This time they arrived with the same glue issue. They were in even worse condition. I could not let people see these. Keep in mind that these orders were a month apart. All of the damaged books were printed in South Carolina. The books I’ve received that were printed in Kentucky have been perfect. That being said, it’s really not uncommon for books to get damaged or for quality control issues to slip through the cracks. After working at a bookstore, I’ve realized that damaged books happen with commercially published books just as much as indie published. I’ve also had the opportunity to compare books from a wide variety of publishing companies and print-on-demand companies. Undamaged books are just as good from KDP as they are from the bigger companies. Still, I never received damaged books with CreateSpace so it jolted me to have this issue with KDP.

There are not a lot of options out there for print-on-demand companies. I looked into switching to other popular POD companies, but decided not to after finding that some of them are using the same printing facilities as KDP. All things considered, I’ve chosen to stay with KDP. I liked CreateSpace far better, but the (undamaged) books that KDP puts out are pretty beautiful, though I wish the paper was thicker. The royalties are great. All in all, they have a lot to offer. They seem to be the best option for indie authors wanting a print-on-demand company that distributes to Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and Ingram.

If you would like to see samples of books printed by KDP, view the "My books" tab from my website's main menu. I'm pretty in love with them.

CreateSpace users merging to KDP: similarities and differences

17/3/2019

If you were a member of CreateSpace, you were likely shocked when they announced in August of 2018 that they were merging with KDP. They gave no notice. Accounts were moved over automatically. The KDP website crashed. Massive amounts of members lost their books, royalties, and struggled with a hot mess transition to the new company. We were told all CreateSpace books would print the same with KDP. However, cover creator is different with KDP. Now the big question – What will it be like when I am ready to publish a new book with KDP?

My first 6 times publishing were with CreateSpace. I’ve since published 3 books with KDP. All 3 happened to be published on the same day, October 29th of 2018. Some things were the same. Others were different. I hope this blog is helpful to you in knowing what to expect if you are a former CreateSpace member who will now be using KDP.

What is the same with KDP as CreateSpace?

Ownership and facilities – Both companies are owned by Amazon and use the same printing facilities. They are still made in America!
Pricing is the same and there are no new fees. All the things that were free with CreateSpace are still free with KDP.
- It’s free to join.
- There are no membership fees or annual fees of any kind.
- It’s free to add a title.
- It’s free to publish a book through them.
- If you can’t afford an ISBN, they will provide one at no cost. That does list them as the publisher.
- The cost of ordering author copies is the same with KDP as it was with CreateSpace.
All the title information you filled out with CreateSpace is mostly the same with KDP. It’s the same information. The website is a little different to navigate.
They still have community forums.

What is different with KDP for the better?

It’s available on Amazon as soon as it’s published. You’ll have a buy link to post with your announcements.
If you make changes to your book, your title stays live until changes go through. With CreateSpace your book would be pulled from the market for a few days until the changes were approved. With KDP your book never becomes unavailable when you upload a new interior (ex. fixing typos) or upload a new cover.
There is no threshold for royalties. You don’t have to reach $100 before payment.
The dashboard allows you to filter your books. You can filter it to only show your books that are currently live. This is nice for those of us that have retired older editions of our books.
You can unpublish your books straight from your KDP dashboard.
You can run ads on Amazon through your KDP dashboard.
If you also have Kindle e-books, it is nice to manage your digital book and your print book in the same place.

What is different with KDP for the worse?

The website is not as intuitive as CreateSpace was. CreateSpace was easier to navigate and to add titles.
We’ve lost the ability to enter a BISAC code. Our genres are chosen through an Amazon drop down menu.
The cover creator with KDP is so severely awful that I pretend it doesn’t exist. CreateSpace’s cover creator may have been a bit basic, but with a little effort you could make beautiful covers. If you’re using KDP, you’ll need to make your own cover or hire a professional.
Proof copies have a ‘not for resale’ gray banner across the cover.
You don’t get to choose your publishing date. With CreateSpace, you would submit your book for approval. After it was approved, you would hit the publish button when you were ready. You could easily set the launch date and announce it in advance. With KDP, you submit your book for approval. The approval process may take hours or days. Once they approve it, they let you know they published it. Your scheduled and marketed launch date may not work out.
You cannot print books without distributing on Amazon. With CreateSpace you could print books just for you or to sell exclusively on your website or in person. KDP does allow you to choose expanded distribution or not, but you must have your book on Amazon.
When you go to order copies you might be in for an unprofessional surprise. CreateSpace had us order our books right on the CS website. KDP makes us request author copies. It can take several hours for the request to go through. You will then be redirected to Amazon.com to checkout your books (at author copy price) like you’re simply shopping for a regular item.
Royalties are paid 60 days later. With CreateSpace it was 30 days.
The royalty reports are also more difficult to navigate. CreateSpace had a better setup.

Best wishes to you in
your publishing journey!

For more information on writing, indie publishing, and marketing your book(s), read my book Lessons on the Author Life. Click on the title for more information.

Print-on-demand companies for indie authors

17/3/2019

If you are indie publishing, print-on-demand is probably the best option for you to start out. You may switch to offset printing once your sales pick up. With print-on-demand you have companies that are connected to distributors or the option of printing with you handling the distribution. Let’s look at some popular companies.

CreateSpace
If you’ve been researching POD (print-on-demand) services, you’ve surely heard of CreateSpace. Sadly, CreateSpace went out of business in 2018. They merged with KDP.

KDP (Kindle Direct Publishing)
https://kdp.amazon.com
KDP is Amazon’s newer printing service that is for both e-books and paperbacks. They are free to join, free to publish with, automatically connected to Amazon, and you have the option of connecting to expanded distribution which makes your books available to bookstores both in store and online. One thing different about KDP versus CreateSpace is you do not have the option to print books without distribution (example, family photos or personal stories). All books printed with them are automatically on Amazon.

IngramSpark
www.ingramspark.com
IngramSpark is the POD service of the popular book distribution company, Ingram. This is probably the best service to be connected with for distribution to bookstores. You can publish paperbacks, hardcovers, and e-books with them. They do have more fees than other POD companies.

Barnes and Noble Press
https://press.barnesandnoble.com
This is Barnes and Noble’s POD company quite comparable to Amazon’s POD company, KDP, and former company, CreateSpace. They are free to join and publish with. The catch is they only distribute on B&N’s website. They are not connected to Amazon or other bookstores. You also have the option of printing books just for you and doing the distribution yourself.

Lulu
www.lulu.com
Lulu is one of the early POD companies that’s still around. They offer paperbacks, hard covers, e-books, photo books, and calendars. They are free to join and free to publish, but they are on the expensive side when it comes to author copies. The cost to the author is nearly what retail value is. That leaves little room for profit.

The Book Patch
www.thebookpatch.com
It’s free to join, but be aware that the printing costs are quite high.

Blurb
www.blurb.com
Blurb is a bit pricier than the above mentioned options, but seems to be popular.

Book Baby
www.bookbaby.com
This one seems to be popular, but oh my is it expensive. You also have to order at least 25 books with every order.

D2D Print
Draft 2 Digital is currently in beta phase for print books.

There are a lot of websites out there that mention they are print-on-demand. Be wary of any site charging $$$+ for their packages or membership. Reputable printing companies will not have high membership fees. Many of the popular companies are free to join. Assess their website and how professional it is. If they list any books they print, order copies of a few different books to assess quality.

Another option is to find local printing companies that will print your books. This requires you to distribute copies on your own and connect to distributors.

Compare the following when you are researching POD companies.

Types of books offered: paper books, e-books, etc…
Types of covers available: paperback in glossy or matte, hardcovers, dust jackets, spiral
Page sizes offered
Types of paper offered
Cost to sign up with them
Any yearly fees for being a member
Cost of publishing with them
Cost of ordering proof copies
The percentage they keep for printing and distributing
Cost to the author for ordering copies of their published books
Any fees for making changes
Ability to set the price for your book + the ability to change the price if you decide to
Distribution channels they are connected with
If they allow bookstores to return books (and what happens to returned books)
Royalties
Frequency of royalty payments
Any thresholds to meet before receiving a royalty payment
Where the books are printed ˜ Choose an American company ˜
Quality of books they print
How long it takes orders to be printed and delivered
Availability and quality of customer service
Ease of use
Reviews from users
How well the company is doing

Which companies would I recommend you consider?

KDP
IngramSpark
Barnes and Noble Press (which does require you do the distribution work)

For more information about writing, indie publishing, and marketing, read my book Lessons on the Author Life. Click on the title to learn more.

Book review: Testimonies of a Good God by Byron Van Der Merwe

25/2/2019

What do your testimonies look like?

Byron has gathered his testimonies over the years of how good God has been to him. In Testimonies of a Good God, he weaves these stories together showing the walk of faith and trust in our Lord, Jesus Christ. I found myself relating to many of his stories. In one way or another, they were relevant to the trials we all face throughout the seasons. Finances, provision, health, relationships, purpose, and God’s timing for things to come to pass can bring in fear and doubt or confusion for even the most devout Christians. We must make a choice to trust in God putting our lives in the safety of His hands.

Where do I need to plant mustard seeds?
That’s the thought that crossed my mind as I was reading the testimonies currently relevant to me. Where do I need to sow faith and trust? What about you? I found myself rereading some of the testimonies and thinking over how I need to practice applying faith. I invite you to do the same.

If you’d like to share your testimonies, comment below and tell us how good God has been to you.

You can purchase your copy on Amazon here: https://www.amazon.com/Testimonies-Good-God-Ordinary-Extraordinary/dp/0995624216

Learn more about Byron and his ministry at www.livinginvictoryministries.com

About the author
Byron is passionate about the Bible and believes it is the sovereign word of God. Although probably best described as a charismatic Christian, Byron has a heart for the whole body of Christ and has a desire to see all people walk closer to God and hear His voice.

Byron and his wife Tammie live in Hampton, England, with their daughter Hannah and son Joshua. Originally from South Africa, Byron is a passionate speaker and has a desire to see people come to faith in God, trust God more, and walk more into His plans for their lives. Byron and Tammie are passionate about the local church and are very involved in a church called Kingsgate Church in Kingston upon Thames, London, England.

How to stay safely warm in extremely cold weather

27/1/2019

It’s going to be extremely cold this week. A night with wind chills in the NEGATIVE 20s is enough to cause worry that the furnace may not be able to keep up. I want to share some tips on how to keep safely warm when the furnace is inadequate or you live without heat.

Top priorities:

Keep people and pets warm enough to be safe.
Have water.
Have food for several days.
Prevent the pipes from bursting.
Be prepared to bug-in.

Here’s what you need to do or be prepared to do if it gets cold enough.

Block the draft.

All outer doors should be covered. Hang a blanket over each outer door. You can nail 3 nails above the doorway or use tacks. If you have time to stop at the store, pick up enough shower curtains to hang or tape over each outer door between the door and the blanket. That plastic will stop draft pretty well. The Dollar Tree has shower curtains if you’re prepping on a budget.
Seal plastic over the windows.
Hang blankets over the windows in extreme cold. You want to use a blanket that is not heavy. Fleece blankets work well at blocking cold, they’re not too heavy, and they are cheap.
If you don’t have heat, close all vents. Also cover them with rugs or towels.
If you have an inner room that doesn’t have windows or touch the outside, this is a good room to set up in.
If it’s extremely cold, pitch a tent away from outer walls.

Identify your heat sources.

I really hope that you have heat and your furnace works well. Clean your furnace filter before a cold front is expected. If it snows, make sure to clear the path around your furnace exhaust pipe.
You need to own several space heaters.
If you have a fireplace or wood burning stove, wonderful. Make sure you have enough firewood and have it ready.
If you have an indoor dryer vent, those cold days are a good time to do a lot of laundry.
Are you in the mood to bake? Use your stove to heat up the kitchen. When you’re done baking, leave the oven door open (away from kids and pets).
Do you have any heating pads?
Make or buy rice packs and corn bags that can be heated in the microwave or oven.
Candles can provide a small amount of heat. More importantly, they are a good source of light should the power go out.
If you are going to be without hot water for several days, boil water. Pour it in a cooler. It stays warm for quite a while. Use this for “camper wash-up” bathing.

Keep pets and people as warm as you can, especially extremities.

Shut the doors to all the rooms. Rooms will heat up faster when there is less space to heat.
Layer warm socks and wear your warmest boots. Keep moisture away from your feet.
Thermals, fleece leggings, and sweats or winter pajamas are best for staying warm. You can layer up. Wear hoodies or coats inside. Feel free to walk around your house wrapped up in a blanket. Winter bath robes are a comfy way to stay a little warmer.
Keep your pets bundled as well.
You can never have too many blankets.
Sleep in a sleeping bag for camping. Bring your pets in with you.
Sleep with gloves on. You can also sleep with a hat on.
If you’ve pitched a tent in extreme cold, point a space heater towards the opening.
Boil water and place it in a crockpot or dutch oven. It will stay warm for hours. Use this to warm your hands.
Body heat makes a difference. Now is a good time to gather in the same room. Snuggle under a blanket. Cuddle up with your pets and little ones.
Enjoy some hot beverages: hot chocolate, coffee, or tea.

Be aware if it’s cold enough for water pipes to burst.

Keep the cabinets open under any sinks.
Leave the faucet on just a bit to let it drip or barely trickle. Note: This is only for extreme cold.
Know how to turn off the main water line if your pipes do freeze and burst. In addition to that, you might want to already know the names of some plumbers to call if you end up with a busted pipe.

Be prepared to hoard up for a few days.

Have water storage. I don’t typically buy bottled water because it is bad for the environment, but it’s good to keep a pack on hand for emergencies.
Always have enough food storage for at least one month.
Have 72 hour kits ready for the whole family (including pets) to be able to eat food that does not require cooking or refrigeration.
Have an alternative cooking plan. In case the power goes out, do you have another way to cook?

If you have the time and money to prepare before winter comes,

Make sure your house, and especially your attic, is well insulated.
Install storm windows.
Get foam insulation or heat tape for your pipes.
Stock a good first aid kit.

I hope this blog was helpful information to somebody. Stay warm out there.

If you’re struggling with your heating bill, I’d love to teach you ways to save on your utilities and other expenses. Check out my book Happily Frugal: a wise money management workbook. It has over 700 ways to save money. Visit this page for a free budget spreadsheet and to learn more about the book.

A free doula’s privilege is an underprivileged doula’s destruction

26/7/2018

A free doula’s privilege is an underprivileged doula’s destruction.

A doula working for free or low-cost is a never-ending controversial issue in Doula Land. Those who work for free or tell other doulas their (fair wage) prices are too high should take a moment to think about how privileged they are to be able to work for less than a living wage or even less than minimum wage.

Points to consider

It’s a financial privilege to be able to work for free or low-cost. That means you have someone else paying your bills. Many doulas are married or living with a partner who is the primary breadwinner. Have you ever noticed it seems most doulas are stay-at-home moms? There’s a reason it’s so hard for single women to make it in this career field. It’s not a sustainable business if you can’t charge a living wage and still have a steady flow of clients.

Not all doulas have that privilege of having someone else pay the household’s bills. Many doulas need to make a living wage. It’s hard enough to get by in a nation that allows minimum wage to be half of what it needs to be to survive. All business owners have the right to charge a living wage so they can feed their families and sustain their business. Even if they love what they do, they still have bills to pay.

Free or cheap doulas devalue the profession. They send the message that doula work has little to no monetary value.

There’s a big difference between a doula setting their regular price at a fair wage, but offering a sliding scale for low-income families versus a doula that chooses low prices for all families even if they are able to pay that doula fair price.

When society receives the message that all doulas should be free or cheap, they are less willing to pay a doula a living wage.

This contributes to the gender wage gap. In case you haven’t noticed, the gender wage gap is especially bad in the career field of birth work. Blog: Birth Workers and the Gender Wage Gap

A community that has doulas working for next to nothing will decrease the business of those doulas who have to charge a living wage to be able to keep this career.

When low-cost doulas run living wage doulas out of business this decreases that community’s access to doulas. That’s counterproductive to the free doula’s mantra “everyone deserves a doula”.

The free doulas who have the privilege of someone else paying their bills end up hurting the women they declare to be sisters in birth work. Many doulas come from poverty. They feel called to birth work and supporting families. Yet they can spend their entire savings becoming a doula only to suffer a failed business because they can’t compete with the low-cost doula services.

These privileged doulas think they are using their privilege to help people in need, but those of us who come from poverty know all too well that any business we start will never make it if those of economic privilege refuse to give value to what we do. When you say all doulas should be free or low-cost so everyone has access, the message you are sending is that under-privileged women who strive to start their own businesses are not worth paying fair wages. Women are working hard to close the gender wage gap. These free doulas are using their privilege to keep the gap wide open when they devalue such an important profession.

If you’re a doula, before you tell another doula they should lower their prices or volunteer their services maybe you should think about your position of privilege to be able to do what they can’t afford to do.

Even if someone is financially able to work for pennies, I find it outrageous for women to downgrade other women by expecting them to serve someone without fair pay. Fair wages is a human rights issue. To ask a woman to spend hours and months serving someone for little to no pay is inhumane. How would you feel if someone asked a woman to come clean their house every week for 6 months, but they weren’t willing to pay that woman? How would you feel if the people asking for a free maid were fully able to pay a fair wage? Of course, it would make their life easier to have the help. To force someone to do so is slavery. Yet people ask women to volunteer to do so as if she should be grateful to work without pay simply because she likes what she does. Why should she volunteer? It’s a luxury service to hire personal help. No one is entitled to make a doula, a woman, or any person work without pay.

Free doulas who declare their services to be free for anyone (not specifically low-income families) are destructive to doulas who don’t have the privilege of someone else paying the bills. They devalue the profession. They contribute to the gender wage gap. And they ultimately devalue women when they say “women’s work” (any female-dominated career field) doesn’t deserve to be paid a living wage.

Never tell a doula that she should volunteer. It’s degrading and destructive.

If you are privileged to be able to volunteer and you have the desire to do so, please consider putting a regular price on your packages that is a fair wage. Let it be known that you’re volunteering because that’s your heart’s desire and NOT because doulas are not worth paying. I realize there are doulas who have scholarship funds, only volunteer one birth a year, work for free for family and friends, feel convicted to help a specific person, etc…. Think about the way you communicate your monetary worth and your choice to volunteer. It’s a choice to volunteer or work for at-cost. It should not be expected of all doulas to forgo fair wages out of their love for the job.

A detailed checklist for becoming a doula

28/6/2018

Print this out. Highlight what you have done so far.
Enjoy the journey :)

Get familiar with what a doula is, what they do, and what they don’t do. It’s important to understand their purpose and scope of practice.
Interview some doulas before you start this path. See what the job is really like. Shadow some doulas if you can.
Know the on-call requirements of birth work and what you are able to do in this season of your life. Can you be on call and be able to leave your house within an hour of being called? How many hours can you be gone at a time? It’s not uncommon for doulas to utilize 12 hour language in their contract. If that’s what you need to do to be able to run your business, then do it. What are your plans for child care and pet care if you are called to a birth? What are your financial needs right now? This is a small business. It takes a lot of careful planning.
Choose your training program. While training is optional, it is recommended. Click here for a directory of training programs.
Decide if you are going to pursue certification.
Attend a doula workshop or complete on online training program.
Educate yourself from appropriate resources as much as you can.
Form your business (sole proprietor or LLC)
Decide on your prices. Please charge a living wage. Free doulas devalue the profession. Click here to read about that. If you choose to offer a sliding scale for low-income families, at least make your regular price reasonable for the work that doulas do.
Create your marketing plan. Click here for a comprehensive blog on over 50 ways to market your doula business.
Make your website. Click here for a blog on what to have on your doula website.
Optional: Create a logo or hire a designer to create a logo for your company.
Start a Facebook page.
Buy business cards and initial promotional products.
Start marketing.
Address your obstacles and make a plan for how to prevent or manage each obstacle. I talk in depth about that here.
Create your plan for your consults, prenatal appointments, and postpartum appointments.
Get all your paperwork in order: pre-consultation questionnaire, consult form, contract (very necessary), intake paperwork, schedule and curriculum for prenatal appointments, postpartum appointment chart, feedback and evaluation form, etc…
Create your birth support plan. These are notes for you personally on the ways that you can support clients in different experiences: vaginal birth both un-medicated and with an epidural, during a c-section, through a stillbirth or infant death, through complications, etc…
Buy all your doula bag supplies. It’s okay to start with a minimal amount and invest the money after you have been paid by clients.
Purchase your teaching tools. Again, do what you can within your budget.
Optional: Order a curriculum for childbirth education.
List out your resources for information for yourself and for clients.
Find clients. It will be slow at first.
If needed, buy what you are going to wear to the births. Your outfits, shoes (that you can be on your feet for a long time in), your name badge, a lanyard, gloves (bodily fluids that aren’t yours = wear gloves), etc…
Some training programs require you to doula several births before achieving certification. Other programs give certification before experience is acquired.
If you are pursuing certification, complete all the certification requirements for your chosen training program.
Earn your certificate.
Find at least one back up doula. Several is ideal.
Network with other birth workers. Get in the birth community.
Continue to market your business.

Begin your journey.
There is a strong learning curve.
Things will be trial and error. You’ll make adjustments along the way.
You’ll grow.
Go doula.

Continuing education

Get certified in first aid and basic lifesaver support. I recommend The American Heart Association.
Always seek continuing education.
Lactation support is part of being a doula. I recommend you seek credentialing in breastfeeding support. Click here to learn about the different types of lactation professionals, click here to view a directory of lactation training programs, and click here to learn how to become a lactation consultant (IBCLC).
Some other training ideas are
- Postpartum doula training if your birth doula training did not include both
- Bereavement doula training
- Childbirth educator
- Rebozo training
- Spinning Babies training
- Child passenger safety tech (car seat safety)
If you are able to take college classes, here are 12 that would be helpful.
- A communications class
- Psychology
- Abnormal psychology
- An introduction to addictive illness (drug addiction is a huge issue in America)
- Any classes on counseling skills are super helpful to doula work
- General biology
- Medical terminology
- Basic anatomy and physiology
- Pathophysiology is helpful and fascinating
- Pharmacology certainly isn’t necessary for doulas, but it’s good to know how these things work
- Clinical nutrition
- A nurse’s aide class is relevant

Note: Some organizations offer permanent certification while others require renewal every year or two or three years. Know how your training organization does this. Keep up on your requirements.

Best wishes to you on your journey in being a birth worker.

Reasons doula businesses fail (plus plans for prevention)

15/6/2018

An important component to creating a business plan for success is examining failure. Know the things that cause businesses like yours to fail. Make a plan for how to prevent those obstacles. Most doula businesses have gone under within 3 years of starting. Many doulas complete their training and put themselves out there only to never succeed at getting their business off the ground. According to the Small Business Association, 30% of businesses fail within two years of launching, 50% in 5 years, and 66% within 10 years. All small businesses have some rough odds to conquer. Being an independently practicing doula that has to get a steady flow of clients and be on call 24/7 comes with its unique challenges. Let’s look at what some common obstacles are. Below each obstacle are potential solutions.

Not clarifying your goals and defining what success is to you will leave you floundering early on in your plans. Before we begin to examine failure, you must first define what a successful doula business is for you. Do you want to work 4 or 5 births a month? Or would you rather only doula 3 or 4 times a year? These are big differences in business models. Would you like to work exclusively as a birth doula? Or would you like to also be a childbirth educator, lactation specialist, postpartum doula, etc.?
- If you don’t know what you’re aiming for, you’ll miss it. Define your business goals before you open shop.
- Write down a vision. Create achievable steps to get there.
- Create a plan for success before you get started. Time is precious.

If you financially need your doula business alone to provide a full time income with steady pay that you can support a family on, this may not be doable. There are certainly people that do it, but it takes time to build your business to that point. If you need a full time income from doula work alone within a few weeks of launching your business, the odds are not in your favor. Unrealistic financial goals from doula work are a big cause of business failure. Many doulas work part time. Quite a few – if not the majority – of doulas are married or in a relationship where their partner is the breadwinner. If you do happen to be in a household with more income than just your doula business, you’ll have a much better chance at sustaining your company.
- If you are married (or committedly co-habiting), can you adjust your budget for your husband’s/partner’s income to pay all the regular monthly expenses? If you can afford to be a stay-at-home-mom or housewife, you can sustain your doula business with income just from doula work.
- If you are single, this doula life will be harder to swing financially. You’ll probably have to work another job to make ends meet. Brainstorm what you can do that will still allow you to be on call for births. Multiple sources of income are a must if your income needs to support a household.

Child care is a serious issue for many doulas that are moms. You have to have last minute child care available at any hour when a client calls you to come provide labor support. This includes midnights, weekends, holidays, bad weather, sick kids, etc…
- Plan ahead!
- Have backup plans.
- You’re more likely to keep a sitter if you pay them well.
- It’s common for doulas and birth photographers to pay their babysitters a fee for being on call.

Inability to be on call – If you can’t be on call for the births, you can’t sign a contract saying you’ll attend the birth (and show up in a reasonable amount of time). Aside from child care arrangements, here is the biggest obstacle with being on call. You can’t work a regular job unless you can either leave work to tend to your doula client or send a backup doula in your place until you get off work. Nobody is going to hire a doula that has hours of work left at their day job before they can even come home, eat dinner, get ready, and then show up for the birth tired as can be. This is probably the biggest obstacle for single women who haven’t yet built their doula business to full time, but need a full time income.
- Have a doula partnership. You can switch off weeks of being on-call. Let’s say you’re on call for births during weeks 1 & 3 of the month. During weeks 2 & 4 you schedule your prenatal and postpartum appointments. Also during weeks 2 & 4, you can work at someone else’s company who pays you by the hour for steady income.
- Take a limited amount of births each year. Maybe schedule one per month. Maybe even take one client at a time when you are able. A part time doula is still a doula. Sometimes we only get our dream careers as a side gig instead of a full time income. Do it anyway. Don’t live the next 20 years of your life without working the job you’re passionate about because you can’t do it full time.
- Have a really awesome backup doula.
- Seriously have access to your phone at whatever your job is. You’ll need to answer your client’s call and call your backup.

Inability to be gone for unknown amounts of time – This is a unique challenge to doing birth work in private practice (instead of working at a hospital or birthing center). You never know how long a birth will last. It could be 2 hours. It could be 5 days. Doulas are typically expected to be superheroes who can work round the clock, day in and day out, for longer hours than any employer would ever be legally allowed to require, and not need to sleep. Doulas are still human. They can only go so many hours without food or sleep. They need to shower. They have kids and pets and families they can’t just abandon for 24+ hours. In my opinion, it’s unrealistic to expect doulas to not need breaks after so many hours. It’s important to talk with your clients about expectations at your consultation.
- Have a strong network of backup doulas.
- Put a 12 hour clause in your contract. It’s becoming more common. If you need to do that to be able to work as a doula, then do it.
- If the inability to be gone for 15+ hours is due to pets or children, plan ahead for proper care. You can’t leave your dog (or other mammalian pet) unattended for over 24 hours. That’s animal neglect. People might find it silly that a single woman working as a doula has to arrange for pet care, but seriously the alternative is an evil thing to do. Some people just don’t understand the unique challenges of being on call for a birth. There aren’t many jobs out there where people are expected to work shifts longer than 12 hours.
- Partner with another doula who you work well with and know extremely well. Take shifts. Maybe Doula A can work 7am to 7pm and Doula B can do 7pm to 7am. Or if 12 hour shifts do not work with your household, get 3 doulas together to rotate 8 hour shifts. This is becoming more common.

Free doulas devalue the profession. Doulas who serve for free or low-cost is a common controversial issue in Doula Land. Regardless of your personal feelings on catering to the client’s income, reality is doulas that have to make money at whatever career they have get stomped out by neighboring doulas who work for less than minimum wage. Click here to read more about how free doulas actually decrease their community’s access to doulas.
- It’s hard to overcome this obstacle. That being acknowledged, food pantries don’t put grocery stores out of business. Your pricing attracts your clientele. If you price free or cheap, you attract a different audience than pricing at over $1,000.
- Realize that there are people who truly can’t afford a doula. Don’t be angry when someone says they can’t afford your given prices. Also realize that your financial needs in your family have to come first. There are people you can help who will genuinely appreciate you. There are a lot more people who will use you up, empty your cup, and not care what you sacrificed to serve them. Don’t feel guilty at charging for the hard work you do.

The gender wage gap is still a problem. I used to think that the gender wage gap was closed. I thought the battle had been won. Studies show that when men and women are compared in the same career field with the same level of education and experience their pay is even when you count it down to the hour. Men do make more overall throughout the year, but they also work more hours than women. I thought pay was equal for men and women across the board. Then I became a small business owner. I had no idea that female dominated career fields make significantly lower wages until I was living it. I was and still am shocked – and am now outraged – when women who own small businesses or do freelance work are expected to work for free just because they love what they do. Birth workers face even more disparities and stereotypes about expected pay. Sadly, birth workers devalue themselves and others because they’ve bought into society’s lies that a woman’s work carries less monetary value. Click here to read more about birth workers and the gender wage gap.
- Don’t give in to it. Don’t continue it. Declare your worth. If people don’t value you at fair wages (especially when they are actually able to pay those prices), they don’t deserve your services.

Not knowing how to market will absolutely sink your business. If you don’t market your business, you’ll never succeed. Ever. Marketing is 100% necessary.
- I have a blog with over 50 ways to market a doula business. Click here to read that. Print that list out and decide what’s right for you.
- Customize your marketing plan.
- Once you’ve done that, take it and schedule out your action plan. It’s one thing to know your options. It’s another thing to carry out the techniques. Get a calendar or make a document on your computer to schedule a marketing task 3 times a week. Update your action plan every month.

Struggling to connect with people is an introverted business owner’s internal combat that we question if we should even fight.
- Schedule your time to promote your business. Immediately after that reward yourself with time to introvert.
- Study the extroverts. Analyze the humans. Try to figure out how they find these strangers to talk to and decide to go do stuff with them. That sounds sarcastic but observing the extroverts and trying to imitate their ways (in short periods of time so my battery doesn’t die) has actually worked for me.
- I suppose we introverts have to actually get out and do stuff. Talk to people. Find your tribe. Apparently, Facebook socializing is inadequate. Go make friends. Go on. Maybe they have a dog you can play with.
- When an introverted doula does go out, you’re supposed to talk to the humans. Smile. Chit chat. Google conversation starters. Be cool. Be calm. Or maybe wear a t-shirt that says doula on it in big letters. Strategically tape some battery operated fairy lights around the letters. People will notice. Really though, sport your doula gear. It’s a conversation starter.
- Don’t hesitate to talk about what you do. Their confusion at what a doula is can be an opportunity to explain more in depth what doulas do and why we are awesome.
- Be your genuine self. You’ll attract your tribe. (You still have to leave the house.)
- Beg your extroverted, social butterfly friends to have mercy on you and help you spread the word. Sometimes chatty friends do a better job at connecting us to potential clients than we do with our socially awkward selves.
- When doing a consultation, the seasoned doulas advise to keep it more conversational than interview-style. Share some things about yourself. Maybe finding some common ground will help break the ice so you can connect with potential clients.

Not putting enough time into your small business will surely sink your ship. I know many doulas juggle multiple things. Managing your company has to be a priority.
- Improve your time management.

Rural areas = low amount of customers. If you live way out yonder, doulas can suffer a dusty desert of an income.
- Be realistic about how many clients you can have in a month or year if there aren’t many babies being born in your service area.
- Offer other related birth services to attract your target audience.
- Market hard!

A saturated market is hard to break into. Stepping into this field as a solo practice when you have established and well-liked doulas already known in the local birth community is no easy journey. As much as I don’t see other doulas as competition (everyone has their own style), it’s hard to get your name out there in a crowded market.
- Step into it anyway. You’ll make a name for yourself.
- Make connections. Get to know other doulas. Be friendly. Maybe if they have someone inquire when their month is fully booked they can refer to you.
- Make connections with non-doula birth workers such as childbirth educators, lactation professionals, and photographers who do birth or maternity/newborn.
- You’ll have to market a little harder to not be the littlest guppy in the pond, but at least a saturated market shows that families in the community want doulas.

Doulas can be fiercely competitive. So can nurses, lactation consultants, photographers, and any birth worker running a small business. Unfortunately, this is a fact of life in our culture.
- New levels bring new devils. Don’t dance with the demons. You don’t have to network with or associate with doulas that are cut throat.
- You do you. Let their character be their own demise.
- Live your passion. No excuses.

Partnering with the wrong people can wreck your ship. Agencies, partners, or solo practice? Backups? Colleagues to network with? Choose carefully. The right partnership can flourish your business. A bad partner can do some damage. A bad backup can earn you a reputation you don’t want. Get to know your local birthworkers, but tread carefully. Some who seem friendly are really a foe.
- Take time to get to know someone really well before partnering with them.
- Contracts aren’t just for doula : client. Contracts are for backup doulas too. Co-teaching? Put the plan in writing. Get the idea? If you’re splitting money, have a signed agreement.
- Don’t hesitate to cut ties with a partner who is causing problems. Here’s an example. A childbirth educator brought on a doula friend to be an assistant teacher and help demonstrate some techniques. The doula talked over the educator, said she was wrong in front of the students, and basically train wrecked her class. The students were clearly uncomfortable. The childbirth educator – clearly being a sweet and compassionate person – felt bad at the idea of no longer having the doula co-teach. Honey, burn that bridge! Don’t let anybody damage your dream business. Protect it like the diamond that it is.

Niches can be good for business, but don’t make them too narrow. Generalized products or services that target everyone tend to not sell as well as businesses that have a target audience. This goes for all small businesses. Identify your target market. Cultivate your niche. BUT don’t take it too far. If you have a really narrow audience that you’re wanting to work with exclusively, that’s going to drastically reduce your flow of clients. For example, a doula that only wants to do home births in an area where few birth at home won’t be doula-ing very many births.
- Identify your target audience.
- Identify your boundaries. Know who you don’t want to serve and situations you don’t want to be in.
- Connect with consumers in that niche.
- Think outside the box. If you’re wanting to primarily support the goal of natural childbirth, where can you find that audience besides birthy stuff? Crunchy momma meetings? Farmer’s markets? A babywearing event? Get your business name out there in your niche audience.

If you have birth baggage, doula work may be too emotional for you. People become doulas for different reasons. Quite often, people become a doula after suffering a bad birth experience personally.
- While they have the best of intentions to help others, the rescuer mentality is one of self-gratification. What you perceive to be a bad experience someone else might be happy with. Remember this. As a doula, your job is to support them in their birth choices. Your job is not to try to get someone to make the decisions you would.
- Process your negative birth experience before becoming a birth worker. Get professional counseling.
- It’s okay if there are certain situations you’d rather not work in. For example, if you placed a child for adoption, it’s okay to not doula for adoptions. That’s a lot of tough emotions.

Dissatisfied customers – eek. Nobody wants to think this may be a problem for them. I would like to think that all doulas are amazing support professionals that leave magical sparkles of happiness everywhere they go. That’s simply not reality. Some doulas are 5 star awesome sauce. Others are nightmares. And sometimes a doula and client may simply clash for unrelated reasons.
- In your consultation with potential clients, talk a lot about what they want in the ideal doula and what their expectations of you are. Make sure they understand what you do and don’t do, terms of contract, etc…
- Decline clients that aren’t a good fit for what you offer. Doulas are supposed to help a person have the best birth possible. Maybe referring elsewhere is what’s best for certain clients. In all honesty, declining a client you suspect to be troublesome (really rude or drama queen with a toxic personality, etc..) can prevent problems before they have a chance to brew.
- After services are over, email an evaluation feedback form.
- Consider all feedback with an open mind. In the end, you should run your business in a way that represents the authentic you. It’s okay to try new things. It’s okay to go back to something else. It’s important to ask for feedback.

Not being able to process your emotions and let go of what bothers you is going to eat at you. I know you, doula. You’re a healer. You’re a caretaker. You’re a nurturer. You want to save everybody and fix everybody and pour your heart into what you do. Painful truth – you can’t fix every broken person. Nor can you run the maternity unit to ensure evidence based practices is delivered in every room. Are you one of those people who yell at the TV when they do something they shouldn’t be doing? Of course you are. You’re a doula. You want people to have best care. You can’t stand it when doctors sweep membranes without permission, cut episiotomies without consent, and lie to their patients. {Note: Many, many, many OB/Gyns are absolutely wonderful. I adore them and am grateful for them. Unfortunately, there are still bad apples on the tree. Eventually all doulas will come across some bad apples.} It’s really hard to see a client be mistreated or lied to and keep going back in those rooms.
- Know that your support helps your clients have a better birth than if you were not there. Obstetric care has come a long way. It still has a ways to go.
- Don’t carry your client’s pain as your own.
- You need to learn how to let go.

Burn out happens. Being on call is rough. It’s super rough. Birth can be rough too. It’s not always happy deliveries and healthy babies. Stillbirth happens. Prematurity happens. Drug addiction happens. Diseases happen. Suffering happens. Doulas take care of healthy people and unhealthy people. You see good outcomes. You see bad outcomes. You see joy. Sometimes you will see death. You comfort grief and the next day you may be rejoicing with a healthy client. The emotional toll of birth work is real. The grief healthcare workers bottle up is real. Burn out happens.
- Self-care is crucial!
- One great thing about being the owner of the business is you get to set your availability. If you want to take December off, then don’t schedule any births that month. If you want to take a summer vacation, schedule it.
- It’s okay to switch roles in birth work. Maybe you want to switch to postpartum doula care for a while and be done with being on call. Maybe you’d really like to spend a year only teaching classes and give your sore body a break from all the physical support.
- And maybe – just maybe – it’s okay to close up shop for a while. Go do something else for a few months. Or be a stay-at-home mom when your little ones are tiny. It’s okay to take a sabbatical.
- Know that you can always come back to being a doula. Birth will always be here. Take care of yourself.

Discouragement when success isn’t happening as soon as you need it to or in the way you need it can dishearten a doula to the point of slipping away from being in business.
- This hurts. This truly hearts your heart when business is struggling. It is disappointing. It is heartbreaking. Love yourself through it. Maybe adjust your goals for how many births you do a month or year.
- Is it worth it? Is the struggle and the marketing battle and the discouragement doulas (and all small business owners) face worth carrying with you in your dream career? If you said yes, keep going. Despite all the things that can cause failure and all the obstacles you face, do it anyway. Do what you can with what you have. Adjust your goals if you need to. If you were made to doula, then doula. The amount of money you make or the amount of births you do a year is not what defines your purpose. If God made you to be a birth worker, walk your path.

Birth workers and the gender wage gap

15/6/2018

The gender wage gap is still an issue. I used to think that battle had been won. I was wrong. I thought men and women being treated unequally in the work force was a thing of the past. My grandparent’s generation took care of that, right? My great grandma (born in 1920) had to fight the board of education to be allowed to finish high school because she got married at 15. She became the first married woman to graduate high school in Metcalfe County, Kentucky. When my grandma (born 1944) was younger the pay for jobs were openly and acceptably different wages for men and women. It’s 2018. We women have all the same rights as men. We can vote, own property, marry who we want, divorce if we want, pursue education without restraints, apply to any job, join the military, and basically do whatever we want. I thought equality had been fully attained. Studies have shown that when men and women are compared in the same career field with the same education and same experience level they do make the same when you count it down to the hour. Men do make more throughout the year, but they also work more hours than women. I thought closing the gender wage gap had victoriously been accomplished. Yay!

Wait. Within the same career field things have drastically improved. Have you looked at jobs lately in career fields that are predominantly female? With the exception of nursing (and maybe a few other careers), every female career field makes poverty wages. Even jobs that require bachelor’s degrees and sometimes even master’s degrees aren’t even paying a living wage. Social work, child care, teaching, entry level health care, clerical work, and the list could go on. I’ve seen multiple jobs in my area that require a bachelor’s degree and only pay $11-$14 an hour. Only when it’s “women’s work” are workers so undervalued. You can be an educated, hard working woman who can’t afford to live on her own with low wages and high student debt. There are people with degrees still living with their parents because they can’t afford to live on their own. The cost of college is a blog for another day. Meanwhile, male dominated career fields are paying a living wage even on an entry level that requires no education. As a single woman, this is a problem. I spent 4 years getting a degree thinking that would get me out of poverty only to wade through job ads that required degrees and paid $12 an hour. Combine low wages with student loan payments every month and these college educated women are financially no better off than McDonald’s workers. If you have to add in the expense of child care, you may not even be profiting anything. Isn’t that insane? I’ve always been drawn to nurturing and caregiving roles that are female dominated career fields. I’ve wished many times I could have a passion for a male career field so I could make real money.

Then I became a small business owner. I have repeatedly experienced firsthand people expecting self-employed females to be free or ridiculously cheap because they know we’re passionate about what we do. Are we only entitled to pay if we hate our jobs? I regularly – and I do mean regularly – have men talk down to me like I’m just playing around. Oh, you have a little business? Oh, that’s nice. When are you going to get a real job? We are not seen the same. When a man has a work-from-home business he is praised and admired for his ambition and hard work to provide for his family and improve the community. When a woman has a work-from-home job she must be an unemployed mom with a hobby. If we price our services the same as men doing the same thing, we are scoffed at. We have to be firm with our prices and then be regarded as a bitch for not backing down. I constantly have people ask me if they can have one of my books for free. You realize I pay for them, right? You realize I spend years writing a book. For bonus points, I choose to have them printed in America thus making it a fully American product. If you don’t find them worth the retail price, you don’t get one. That’s how that works. If you don’t find something worth paying the price for, you don’t get to have it. Welcome to adulting. I literally have total strangers contact me and ask for free book coaching. I mean seriously, do you actually expect me to spend months or over a year of my life teaching you how to write a book and publish it for you when you’re not willing to pay me? Get real!

As soon as I became a doula, I realized this disparity is far more severe in the career field of birth work.
You know, career field.
Actual career
Real jobs
Real work
Legitimate work
Worthy of pay kind of work

Birth work is beautiful and amazing, but it’s still a hard job that takes a lot of effort. It’s far harder than a lot of other jobs. It requires much more skill than fast food. Yet it makes lower wages. What is that about? Doulas are expected to be free or super cheap. Birth photographers are expected to be cheap despite the major amount of hours put in and the on-call nature of the job. People don’t want to pay for childbirth educators because they don’t value what they do. That’s what it comes down to. Society does not value what is traditionally women’s work. Even women don’t value the women that serve them. That is a huge problem.

Here’s another problem. Women who work hard to offer these services and products don’t value themselves. They make excuses to not be paid fair wages. Somebody can’t afford their service (which is a luxury service, not a human right). They’re trying to help somebody. They’re passionate about what they do. They enjoy their career. They’re afraid people won’t be willing to pay them if they raise their prices. I hear these things all the time. When the female small business owner doesn’t declare her worth, nobody else will either.

STOP giving in to the undervaluing of women’s work. Stop declaring doula work or photography or indie educators to be worth less than a living wage. In all honesty, this line of work is worth far more than just enough money to scrape by. If you are a doula, charge your worth. If you are a birth photographer, you deserve to charge more than a wedding photographer. If you are an educator, declare that your time is valuable. Society isn’t going to hand you fair wages and tell you how much they appreciate you. It’s up to the women running the businesses to shout from the rooftops that their work has value. Our generation needs to fight to close this gap.
Change your prices.
Charge your worth without fear or apology.
Accept nothing less.
Close the gap.
Be the change.
Let our future daughters and granddaughters come into these careers without drowning in poverty to do so. They deserve better.

Free doulas devalue the profession!

15/6/2018

Free doulas devalue the profession. Doulas who serve for free or low-cost is a common controversial issue in Doula Land. Regardless of your personal feelings on catering to the client’s income more than your own family’s needs, reality is doulas that have to make money at whatever career they have (Hint: they’ve got bills to pay and kids to feed) get stomped out by neighboring doulas who work for less than minimum wage. It is extremely hard to compete with free anything. Try being a $300 childbirth educator who teaches in an area where the hospital has free classes. Try selling $20 paperback books on a topic that consumers can get free (crappy) eBooks on. Try being a doula that needs to make a living wage in an area with a free doula who clearly has somebody else paying all her bills. They can still run a successful business, but it’s a lot more challenging to charge a fair wage for the amount of hours worked when society has it in their head that doulas are supposed to be $3 an hour (do the math and break down the business costs, taxes, hours put in, weeks or months served, and sacrifices of being on call).

Free doulas are destructive to the doula community. They send the message to the public that doula work is charity work. They often criticize doulas for charging fair wages because there are people who can’t afford to hire a professional support person. Saying doula services are free for everybody is a very different message than a doula who sets her prices at fair value but offers a sliding fee scale for low-income families. You can be helpful to low-income families as you personally are financially able to give without declaring the entire doula career field should be free or low-cost charity work.

Cheap doulas give the message that doulas are not worth paying. They’re saying that their round-the-clock hours of work is worth less than minimum wage. Their months of service to a family have less monetary value than the crappiest fast food joint in town. They’re sending the message that people are entitled to doula services – that a total stranger is entitled to have a woman serve them and be on call 24/7 to provide services without being willing to pay that woman fair wages or even federal minimum wage. And these people find it acceptable to ask a woman to work without pay potentially for months per client. Not only are free doulas working without pay, they are going in debt to do their job. It costs money to become a doula. It costs money to buy your doula bag supplies and teaching supplies. I don’t know where you live, but around here gas prices can eat up your checkbook. Doulas typically serve a 1 to 1 ½ hour radius driving back and forth to do consultations, prenatal appointments, postpartum appointments, and of course the births. They come to the birth and they do spend money for gas, parking, food, etc… Are they not even worth reimbursing for that? Do people think so little of doulas that they “can’t afford” to pay for their parking when they come to the hospital to support them hour after hour? Then they pay for continuing education. There are taxes to be paid, business licenses to pay for, marketing expenses, and more. A doula literally goes in debt for every client they serve. Who is paying their bills?

Ironically, the doulas who passionately do this charity work actually end up causing fewer women to have access to doulas. When living wage doulas can’t sustain a business because of local free doulas this leaves a community with fewer doulas. It hurts the birthing community. Not to mention, it destroys the career of a hard working woman trying to be a doula who may be struggling with poverty herself. For those doulas who are in poverty, it keeps them trapped there when communities don’t value the products and services that impoverished small business owners work hard to offer. It’s tough to break through this stereotype and declare your doula services are worth – at minimum – enough to survive with your head above the poverty line. It’s necessary to break this stereotype though. This idea – this notion that people can ask a woman to work without pay and go in debt to serve them for weeks as if they were entitled to what they can get out of her – needs to be smashed. Break it. Stop following the tradition of letting doulas be used, especially when people are able to pay fair wages.

Doulas are free to run their business however they choose. I hope they choose to take these things into consideration.

What message do you send to the public when you work for free?
How do your free or low-cost services impact your fellow doulas in your community? If they’re going out of business because of you, you’re decreasing your community’s access to doulas.
Are you declaring that doulas have monetary value?

And to the newer doulas who think they have to work for free, please don’t buy into the lie that you aren’t even worth paying for gas money and hospital parking. I’m not opposed to new doulas volunteering. I very much understand that nobody wants to give a brand new doula a chance. If you personally can afford to volunteer and you’re comfortable with doing that to gain experience, then do so. But please don’t think that you can’t charge anything because no one will find you worthy.
Let me tell you a marketing secret.
People value what they pay for.

If you declare yourself valuable, you’ll attract people who see your worth.

If you declare yourself worthless, you’ll attract people who agree.

Adjust your prices. Declare that – at the very least – you’re worth paying what you invest into serving each client. Have you done the math on your doula business? Do you keep track of all your investments and expenses? After all that and the huge chunk of taxes businesses pay, how much profit are you taking home? Probably not much. Now figure out how many hours you put into each client between the birth itself, the appointments in person, any classes you teach one-on-one, answering calls and responding to emails, doing research for them, etc….
Your profit divided by the number of hours….
What is it?
Is it even $5 an hour? That’s really sad. If you’re not making at least $15 an hour, how successful is your business? If you’re not making a bare minimum living wage, you don’t have a profitable business that can sustain your family. Set your prices at a living wage. It’s okay to set them higher too. This isn’t a clock in clock out entry level job that requires no education or skill. This is a round the clock, always on call, physical and emotional job that requires serious support skills.
You’re worth decent pay.

What to look for in a doula training program

6/6/2018

There are quite a few doula training programs out there. How do you know which one to choose? If you’d like to take a look at some programs, here is a directory of every single doula training I know of. I’ve compared all of these programs repeatedly before concluding which organizations are recommendable. Here is what I look at.

First and most importantly before you spend money, do they seem to be a legitimate business? Does their organization seem active?

Certification
- Do they offer a certificate? Most do, but some of the smaller businesses may not.
- What are the requirements to get certified?
- How long does the certificate last? Some are permanent. Others require renewal fees yearly, bi-annually, or every 3 years.
- If the certificate has to be renewed, what are the renewal requirements and fees?

Curriculum! If they don’t list the outline of their curriculum, I don’t know if I’m wasting my money or not while paying hundreds of dollars for education that is not specified. I have noticed that some of the popular programs have an extremely basic curriculum. I’m not interested in paying for a brand name label. I will only recommend the programs whose curriculum include more than the average programs.

Are they upfront with everything on their website? If they don’t list their fees, certificate given, length of certification, what their training program includes, and what their program is all about, I’m hesitant to consider giving them my money.

Is there a clear promotion of natural birth (vaginal, un-medicated)? I find the best programs to be trainings that include all types of birth. Regardless of a doula’s personal choices, you’re going to be working with clients that make all sorts of choices and have all sorts of outcomes. Training only to support natural childbirth leaves a doula short in the real birth world. I like to see doula trainings include support for c-sections, epidurals, complications, prematurity, NICU stays, bereavement support, etc…. The more comprehensive the education, the better prepared the doula to serve in the real birth world.

I personally look to see if an organization has a religious affiliation or a specific political agenda. That is something I think you should look for. Which issues are important to you? There are programs that advocate for legal abortion rights while other programs are silent on abortion. There are programs that ban gender pronouns while others use traditional or mainstream language. There are doula trainings that mix education with politics quite a bit while other programs try to stay neutral. Find a training that aligns with your philosophies.

Do they have a presence in the birth community? While making this directory, I found a lot of programs I’d never heard of. They have little to no social media presence. There’s no engagement with the online world of birthworkers. Some don’t even have a Facebook page. Many – and I mean many – programs had a subpar website that provided little information and was often difficult to navigate. I’m not breaking out my credit card to load up hundreds of dollars on some random doula training website when I have no verification that they are legit. An online presence with active engagement is a must.

Another thing that has caught my attention is the character of doula trainers and founders. Most of them are active on Facebook. It’s downright shocking that anyone would choose some organizations after seeing the way their trainers speak so rudely to people. There are organizations that have decent training (in comparison to the average) that repel me with their attitude and have driven me to want no association with their brand. That’s something to think about. On the other hand, there are organizations and trainers that remain respectful and professional in social media. That attracts me.

Reviews! Talking to people that have gone through different programs is so important. Meet some doulas in your area. Interview them. Ask their reviews and recommendations. Join some Facebook groups and learn about the experiences of doulas both new and seasoned.

Does the program you’re looking at feel like a good fit for you? Sometimes intuition ends up being the deciding factor once your nominees list is narrowed down.

Comment below with the doula training program you chose, why you chose that one, and what your review is.

What should you have on your doula website?

18/5/2018

You want to wow people. You want them to see your website and know that they want you. People should be able to come to your website, and not only see all about what you do, but also get a glimpse of who you are. You want your passion to shine through. Yet you’re wondering where to even start. You know a website is an essential part of marketing for any business. It’s not easy to figure out what to say and how to fit everything together. I’ve seen many, many doula websites and web pages. There are some beautiful sites out there. I’ve also noticed a lot of sites that didn’t say where they were located or how much it costs. I’ve seen quite a few with broken links, poor grammar, font that can’t be read, and navigation that doesn’t flow well. That being said, a well done website is a jewel to be proud of. It’s not easy to create websites. Make yours unique. Let it reflect the authentic you. I hope this blog gives you a good start to molding your masterpiece of a website.

So let’s talk about what a doula website needs to have as well as some optional things to enhance the viewer’s experience.

What is a doula?
Benefits to doula care
Services offered
What you do and don’t do
Packages to choose from
Fees
Locations served
Contact info
Social media links
Reviews
Experience
Education
A little bit about you, why you became a doula, and what you love about it
Pictures of you
Answers to frequently asked questions

You also have the option of doing blogs. This can bring website traffic. Blogs are also an easy way to reference topics you talk to clients about. Please do include a blog directory. My website www.LeannaMae.org has a blog timeline directory with the newest listed first + a blog topical directory. It’s easier for me to quickly reference a blog without having to search for it. It’s also tremendously easier for readers to find a specific blog as well as view the variety of blogs available to read. I’ve actually never seen another website have blog directories like that. I wish all the bloggers I follow would add that feature.

Of course, include any products you sell related to birth work.

Some doula websites will have a members only area where your clients can log in to access info exclusively for them.

The pages should be aesthetically pleasing. Here are some things to check for from a reader’s perspective before you publish your website.

Is the menu easy to use?
Does the order of pages make sense?
Are any drop down menus opening the proper pages?
Have you provided all the necessary information?
Is the font legible?
Does the color of the font contrast well with the background color?
Do you have a variety of stock photos placed on each page?
Does the contact page go through to your email?
Do you have social media links on each page?
Are all the links working?
Has the content been repeatedly proofread for spelling errors, grammar mistakes, fragments, and run-on sentences?
Does this represent who you are? Does it capture your essence?

This blog should send you well on your way to getting you started. You’ll always be able to update your site. You can switch out your stock photos from time to time. You can freshen the website for each season. Have fun making your website. This is your artwork. Paint a picture of who you are to share with the world on your little piece of the web.

Over 50 ways to market a doula business

15/5/2018

One of the hardest things about running any small business is marketing. Creating a consistent flow of clients and making enough money to pay the bills is no easy feat. Is it just me or does it seem like successful business owners keep their marketing techniques a secret? Being a doula is an especially challenging business to launch and keep steady. I don’t see other doulas as competition. There’s a right doula for everyone. Can we share what helps sustain doula work? Will you share your marketing tips with your fellow birth workers? I sincerely hope this helps your business thrive. I would love to see doulas everywhere flourishing and becoming more common in our culture. If you have any additional marketing techniques, please comment below.

Exposure: letting people know you and your services exist
Engagement: talking to people about what you do
Connection: getting hired
Reviews and recommendations
Incentives to spread the word
Networking with other birth workers

Considering that marketing can be quite expensive, there are money required rankings at the beginning of each marketing method.
($) - free
($$) - low cost
($$$) - it’s going to take some money
($$$$) - expect at least $100 investment

Exposure: letting people know you and your services exist
♦ ($$) A website is a must. It needs all the necessary information including a way to contact you. All links should be working. It has to navigate well and flow nicely for people to continue browsing. Free stock photos can be found at Unsplash, Pixabay, and Pexels. If you can afford to buy stock photos, check out the photography organization “Birth Becomes Her”.
♦ ($) Blog
♦ ($) Social media is a necessary part of marketing any business in the modern world.

Have a Facebook page for your business and keep it active. Tip: You can like other pages as your page. Then your page will have its own news feed. It’s a quick and easy way to find content to post on your page.
Join Facebook groups for local communities and especially local parents.
Running a Facebook group for expectant moms and parents of babies in your service area is a good way to get your name out there.
Contests and giveaways are wildly popular on Facebook.
Promotional images are needed.
Infographics get shared quickly.
YouTube is an excellent way to get exposure. Make videos about what doulas do or answering frequently asked questions. Show the behind the scenes of what you do during a birth.
Podcasts are popular.

♦ ($$) Get business cards. Give some out to family and friends who you know will share them. Tack them up on community message boards.
♦ ($$) List yourself on doula directories.
♦ ($) Add your business on google maps.
♦ ($$$) You can run ads on several different social media platforms.
♦ ($$$) You can buy ad space on popular websites or in their emails.
♦ ($$$) Good old fashioned advertisements in local papers, magazines, and any products for moms.
♦ ($$) Send letters in the mail to local childbirth educators, midwives, OB offices, birthing centers, and hospital labor and delivery units.
♦ ($$$$) During nurses week send some gifts to your local hospital’s maternity unit as a thank you from the doula.
♦ ($$) You can also reach out to local pregnancy resource centers, domestic violence shelters, homeless shelters, rehabs, etc… and let them know about your services. Some may not have the budget for a doula, but there are a lot of people who use community resources who do have the money to hire a doula.
♦ ($$$$) Attend rallies and events for maternal-infant health care.
♦ ($) Attend parenting events.
♦ ($) If you have young kids, play groups and mommy meet-ups are a good way to meet people.
♦ ($$$) Wear promotional items such as a t-shirt that says “doula” or a tote bag.
♦ ($$$) Use your car to advertise your business with a static cling for the rear window and/or a car magnet for the side.
♦ ($$) When you do events, have them listed in the newspaper and any local websites that list events in your area.
♦ ($$) Sometimes parents will invite their doula to their baby shower. Come wearing your doula shirt with business cards in tow.

Engagement: talking to people about what you do
(Note that all methods of engagement also count as broadening your exposure.)
♦ ($$$) Host a meet the doula event.
♦ ($$$) Host a fundraiser for something baby related and make sure people know it’s also a welcome avenue to meet and greet the doula. For example, throw a community baby shower to donate baby items to a local crisis pregnancy center or charity.
♦ ($$) Be a speaker at local childbirth classes explaining what doulas do.
♦ ($$) Give a presentation in your community about the career field of doulas and birth work.
♦ ($$$$) Set up as a vendor at baby fairs and any vendor event where there will be a lot of families. Have an information table with activities or games. Here are some ideas.

Baby fairs
Homeschooling expos
Farmer’s markets
Festivals
County fairs
Small town parades
Christmas bazaars
Church events
Crafting events
Flea markets
Community yard sales

♦ Offer multiple services related to birth work. If you teach childbirth education classes, you are already engaging your students. Make sure they know you’re available for doula services too. Many doulas are also trained in lactation support. What can you add to your birth work services?
♦ List out areas, events, and activities that often have a lot of young families. How can you engage them?
♦ Identify your target audience. Create a plan of how to connect with them.
♦ ($$) Do a doula reunion every 2 or 3 years. Invite all your former doula clients to get together. Have a picnic at the park.

Connection: getting hired
♦ ($$) Offer a free consultation at no obligation.
♦ Be prepared to answer frequently asked questions from parents to doula during an interview.
♦ During your consultation, also interview the parents and show an interest in customizing your care to fit their needs. Demonstrate some of the ways that you can care for them.
♦ Be authentic. Be the genuine you. If you’re a good fit, great. If it doesn’t work out, that could lead to something better.
♦ Be confident in your work and what you have to offer. Nobody wants to hire someone that seems desperate for clients.
♦ ($$) Have a welcome folder to give to new clients.
♦ Mention resources for your clients. Do you have anything such as handouts that you reserve exclusively for clients?
♦ Offer a discount for repeat clients.
♦ Consider doing a military discount.
♦ ($$$$) Add to your credentials and trainings.
♦ Word of mouth is by far the most influential marketing tool. Are your current and former clients giving reviews?

Reviews and recommendations
♦ ($$) Give clients a feedback form to email to you at their convenience.
♦ ($$) At the closure of your services, give them a sheet with ways they can leave a review. They can add some stars to your social media page for your doula services. They can write a short review for your website possibly with a photo of the baby or family. They can do a guest blog on your website if they like to write. Video testimonials are also an option.
♦ ($$) Give clients a magnet for their fridge so they’ll have your information in easy access when they want to recommend it.
♦ ($$) Send thank you cards to your clients after services have ended.
♦ ($$) Send a yearly Christmas card to all your clients.

Incentives to spread the word
♦ Offer a referral bonus. For example, $50 awarded to the family and friends or previous clients who connect you with a paying client.
♦ ($$$) Do contests.
♦ ($$$) Giveaways on social media always get shares. Giveaway a gift basket for a family with a baby on the way.
♦ Do special sales and discounts. Mother’s Day? Sign up for doula services during the week of May 6th – 12th and get 10% off.

Networking with other birth workers
♦ ($$) Meet up with local doulas and childbirth educators.
♦ Find your tribe.
♦ Refer to each other when your month is full or a client would be better suited for a different doula.
♦ If you are a birth doula, get to know some postpartum doulas. You can refer to each other.
♦ If you have birth photographers in your area, perhaps you can refer to each other.
♦ Join organizations for birth related things.
♦ Attend continuing education workshops and seminars. You never know who you’ll meet. It’s always nice to meet people who have a similar passion.

If you can think of any other ways to promote doula services and have a successful business, please comment below.