Thoughts and reflections two years after becoming an ex-gay

For years I prayed God would take the sinful desire from me as I had one hand lifted towards heaven and another hand clenched holding on to my bisexual identity. I didn’t know how to lay it down. I didn’t know how to let go. I didn’t know I needed to surrender. 
 
In December of 2019 Jesus broke my chains and delivered me from my bondage. After nearly 20 years of being bisexual and that foundation being laid firm long before I became a Christian in 2005, it was an adjustment to learn my new identity. I “came out” as delivered in a blog a few weeks later in January of 2020. You can find that blog here. Over the last two years I’ve realized a few things in hindsight that I can see clearly now. I’d like to share those things with you. 
 
Most days it seems so far away now. I’ve moved on with my life. From time to time, I see or hear something that reminds me of my former struggles. I don’t want to forget what God has brought me out of or the clarity that he’s given me. If you are seeking answers on this topic or trying to navigate your own path, I hope something here offers you a lantern in the darkness.
 
These things may seem simple, but I lost sight of the basics when I was caught up in confusion. Everything became so foggy. When a matter confuses us, we need to go back to basics sometimes and check our foundation. 
 
Same-sex attraction is a normal desire of the flesh. It’s not uncommon. It’s no different than the desire for fulfilling heterosexual attraction outside of marriage. God designed sex to be within marriage. Fornication is sin. Adultery is sin. Let’s not stigmatize people who are same-sex attracted like their sin is far worse than the rest. It’s not. We should talk openly about it in the same way we teach unmarried people to refrain from fulfilling sexual desires outside of marriage. 
 
Sin ensnares. It takes you further than you thought you’d go. It pulls you away from God. It makes you question who you are and where you belong. It chains you and drags you. It takes you down a path so far from who you were that you don’t recognize yourself when you look in the mirror. The deception is that it feels like freedom at first. It feels liberating to give in. You think you’re free from the battle because you’ve given up the good fight. It is not freedom. It is a surrender to captivity. It is to become owned by what destroys your soul (even if it satisfies for flesh for a season).
 
What you feed will grow. Feed the spirit and you will grow. Feed the sin and it will grow. I’m not saying denial and self-discipline will take away the desire completely. I’m saying if you feed it then it will grow. If you are listening to LGBT affirming music, those thoughts will be in your head. If you are feeding your mind with LGBT matters, it will always be on your mind. If you embrace it, it’ll wrap itself around you. If you claim it, it’ll claim you.
 
When you claim it as your identity, you give it residence. You label it “this is me” you are labeling it a part of you. You welcome its stay. When you are identifying with sin, you’ve lost sight of your identity in Christ. 
 
Isolation is the devil’s way of keeping people in bondage. Keeping this struggle to yourself is a surefire way to block yourself from the power of praying friends and fellowship with those who will encourage you to stay the path of following Jesus.
 
Bondage blurs your vision. You can’t see things straight when you’re caught up in something that is destroying you. You can study the scripture and it becomes unclear. You become unsure of things you were once solid on. You question your very identity. You question your faith. You question God. You wonder if he even wants you anymore.
 
You are not outcast from Christ. Churches and Christians may outcast and stigmatize, but Jesus doesn’t trash people. He still wants you. He still loves you. Read that again. 
 
Denying the sinful desires of the flesh is part of walking the faith. The bible says other sins are committed outside the body but sexual sin is against your own body (1 Cor. 6:18). That verse is followed by a reminder that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit and you were bought with a price so glorify God with your body. Maybe that’s why this area is such a hard area to discipline ourselves. We’re not hurting other people or sinning against other people with this. We’re hurting ourselves. It is a normal human desire to crave intimacy with others. We were designed for connection. It is always a great discipline to deny oneself the fulfilling of sexual desires outside of marriage. 
 
Holiness is still an instruction we must all obey. God doesn’t call us to be straight; he calls us to be holy. Choosing to walk with Jesus is choosing to obey his ways. 
 
Same-sex attraction is not sin; living out the desire is. Identifying with sin is sinful in itself. What is the nature of sin? It destroys. It crumbles. It decays. It pulls us away from Jesus. If anything is causing a wedge to be driven between you and your walk with God, don’t chase after that thing. Chase after Jesus. Walk with him. Choose His ways no matter how you feel. As long as we are on this earth, we will have to battle our fleshly desires for sin in one way or another. Don’t get so focused on your desire for sin that you lose focus on the fact that you choose to refrain from indulging in any and all sin for the sake of the faith.
 
Deliverance from bondage is real and powerful and available to those who will surrender to Jesus. Yes, it’s real. I am genuinely no longer attracted to women. I am genuinely attracted to men now. I am a changed person. Jesus still transforms lives. He still heals. He still overcomes. He still breaks the chains. He still releases people from bondage. He still sets the captive free. If this sin has ensnared you whether that be in desire alone or being caught up in living out the desire, seek deliverance. There is freedom. You may think you have to spend the rest of your life suffering with denying the desires of the flesh. For some, that is what we do as Christians for the sake of following Christ. For some, the desires remain and we have to choose not to live it out or identify with it or feed our minds with it. I want to validate those who have that thorn in their side yet carry on walking the path of holiness. I see your struggle and I see your faith. Well done, servant. You have chosen the greater path. And I want you to know that there are those of us who have come out of that struggle and been set free. Don’t ever stop seeking deliverance. More importantly, don’t ever stop chasing holiness. You are His. Let nothing else claim you. When anything tries to pull you away from God, follow Him all the more.
 
…And then…..there is the crossroads…..
What will you do with these thoughts? For me, I chose to follow Jesus. I chose to rededicate my life to Him in all areas including the areas that broke me. I made the decision to go back to walking in His ways. For the first time, I surrendered my bisexual identity. I laid down the label. I let go of the “this is me” and fixed my eyes on righteousness. It wasn’t many days after that he gave me the kindness of deliverance. I realize not everyone receives that instant breakthrough. I know not all Christians who battle this get to fully break free. For some, the struggle remains. For others, they lose the attraction but find it comes back around to consume. Will you follow the flesh or follow the faith? It’s your decision to make…but you have to make the decision. In the same way we decide every day how we will live, we must decide every day to seek purity. If you stumble as all Christians do, get back on the path. What will you do? How will you live? It’s not about how you feel. It’s about how you live. Pursue holiness. Live for the Lord.