Becoming Apostolic Pentecostal, Backsliding, and Coming Back

Last week was one year since I came back to church. It's hard to believe it's only been a year because so much has changed. My life has truly been transformed. I was lost and he came looking for me, pulled me back to where I needed to be, and worked on my wounds while I hesitantly grew roots in a faith I once thought I had to walk away from forever. I remember the moon and stars shining over the church that night as I arrived to evening service. I was shaking and red with anxiety. It was that life-changing; it's ingrained in my memory, the moonlit parking lot. That decision was one that redirected my lifestyle.

How do I explain what it means to be Apostolic Pentecostal? How could I possibly explain the atmosphere of a church service, the worship, the praises of the people, and the sermons spoken with conviction? I don't have enough pages to tell of the miracles, the testimonies, and the transformations you'll find. I know the blind who have been healed. I've seen the disabled walk again. I've seen the addict recover, the people with debilitating anxiety find healing, chains broken, breakthroughs happen, and lives changed. I can feel the presence of God in the church stronger than anywhere I've ever been. There is Holy Spirit fire. There is power. There is revelation.

Perhaps, I feel the difference as distinctly as I do because I haven't always been among these people and I haven't always known truth. I was atheist. I didn't even know God. I was lost. He called me out of darkness. He journeyed with me patiently. He led me to where I need to be. I became a Christian in 2005 at 17 years old. I became Apostolic Pentecostal in 2011. On 2011 January 30th I stepped into an Apostolic church for the first time after an invitation from a godly coworker.  

Becoming Apostolic

This place was different
"I believe you're my healer" was the song they were singing my first day there. The atmosphere was different. I'd been to many, many churches. Some places feel empty. Other places you can feel the Holy Spirit. There was something about the Apostolic church that the first time I tasted it I craved more. I wanted to go back. I wanted to walk deeper. I wanted to live in the faith. I'd never experienced anything like it. The worship is powerful. The sermons are lively. The services change your week. I don't know how to explain it. All I can say is give it a try. Come for a visit.

Revelation
There was a lot of new information and things I had never heard of. I had never heard of baptisms being done in Jesus' name. I had never heard anyone speak in tongues before. I was drawn to it, though I didn't understand it. I had never heard of Oneness (as opposed to the doctrine of the trinity). I wasn't a new Christian, but these people went deeper than a lot of other churches. I had definitely never heard of holiness standards or anything like it. I remember it was the first time I'd ever been in a room where most of the women were wearing skirts or dresses and had long hair. Most of them don't wear makeup. They looked different. I thought there was such a beauty to it. These people lived differently. They strive to be set apart.

Questions and hesitation
I had so many questions. It took me several months to go over things and decide what I believed and if this type of church was where I belonged. There were a lot of things I needed to study. There were things I didn't understand, especially with holiness and how they live differently. Some things I received revelation on through bible study and prayer. Other things I didn't understand right away, some understanding came over the years. There are a few things I differed on, mainly with standards and appearance. Regardless, my soul craved the fresh water at this church.

Transformation
I started there at the end of January. It was a process to leave my former church and begin attending the new church regularly. We did a bible study. I received the Holy Ghost in March and got baptized in Jesus' name in May of 2011. I remember seeking after the Holy Ghost. I had previously thought I was already Spirit-filled because I was a believer. After doing a bible study, I studied the scriptures and realized in the New Testament church people prayed to be filled with the Holy Spirit (it didn't happen automatically) and they had the evidence of speaking in tongues. I had seen people at church praying in the Spirit. I'd been around it for a couple weeks. I read those bible verses and stories over and over again. I wanted it! I wanted what they had. I was too shy to seek it in church though. I was actually at home by myself! It was around 10 o'clock at night. I was listening to Apostolic worship music and praying about it. I wanted to be Spirit filled and everything it meant. I wanted God living inside of me, guiding me, growing me. I actually wasn't seeking to speak in tongues. I expected to speak in tongues because the bible says you will. I was seeking to be Spirit filled. I trusted that when it happened God would give me the evidence. So, I prayed and I pressed into prayer. I knew I was getting close. I knew there was more. I kept pressing into prayer, and I remember the way it felt like a touch of God when I started praying in tongues. I let it take over. It was beautiful. It's an experience that can't be denied. I realized after I got the Holy Ghost that there is a difference between being near the Spirit versus actually having the Spirit live inside you. There is a power there. The presence is so much stronger. The bible says we must be born again, born of the water (baptism) and born of the Spirit. And I remember what it felt like getting baptized in Jesus' name. I got baptized twice. The first time was in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit at a Southern Baptist church. The second time was in the name of Jesus at an Apostolic Pentecostal church. I had been studying baptism a lot, and wanted to do it exactly the way they did in the book of Acts. It felt different the second time. I understood what baptism meant and I believed that it cleansed me. I felt different coming up out of that water. There is power in Jesus' name! Doctrine can be debated, but personal experience cannot. I will testify of these things through the scriptures and also through my own experience. I've been on both sides. I'm telling you the Apostolic Pentecostal church is different. I changed a lot of my lifestyle and my appearance. I was regularly attending church, Sunday school, prayer meetings, and events. I was on fire for God. I even wrote a book, The Subject of Salvation: a topical bible study. I wanted to share this truth I'd found with the whole world. As a former atheist, I had such a strong heart to bring people to God. I wanted to teach bible studies. I wanted to show the world what I had found.

Backsliding

How it happened
I say this as a warning. Backsliding is often a slow fade more than a quick slip. Like many, I started fading while I was still actively attending church. The enemy knows your weaknesses and your temptations. I didn't stop attending church all at once. I began skipping here and there because I was so busy. Midweek service became optional. I didn't have time for prayer meetings. I was exhausted by the end of the week and wanted to stay home on Sundays. I was so tired. I was so overwhelmed. I was consumed with anxiety. I began to stay at home. At the same time, I was slipping in other ways. Losing my convictions, making compromises, and socializing with people who were far from living right. And then one day I realized I hadn't been to church in months. It wasn't even an intentional decision. Once you get in the habit of not going, for some reason it gets harder and harder to make yourself go. It was the end of 2014 when I began falling away. I went a few times in 2015. It became a once or twice a year thing. Maybe I'd show up for Easter out of obligation or maybe I'd go on a day that I thought I could fade into the crowd hoping no one would ask me where I had been.

Loss of direction
I had lost my way. I was so far gone. Everything became questionable. My convictions were eroded. My mind was confused. By the way, God is not the author of confusion. Temptations before me, sometimes a bottle beside me, I felt like I couldn't go back. In the meanwhile, many people left the church I had been calling mine. A lot had changed. It wasn't the same. One thing that really bothered me was being on camera. It made me so nervous. I would have panic attacks every time I tried to go to church. If I planned on going, I'd suffer terrible insomnia for multiple nights until I declared I wasn't going. Anxiety ruled my life. I'd try to go to church and I couldn't push through the anxiety. My prayer life was a remnant of what is used to be. I needed a compass, but I couldn't see clearly.

Diluted by the world
Over time my faith watered down even though my core doctrines stayed the same. I was still Oneness. I still fully believed that baptism should be in Jesus' name. I still agreed with Apostolic views on salvation. I still loved God. But I felt like I couldn't be Apostolic anymore. It's not that I didn't want to be. It's that I thought I couldn't be. My sins in the front of my vision, I had lost sight of grace. Too stubborn to repent, I lost the will to seek forgiveness. My struggles wrapped chains around me. My anxiety consumed me. My mind confused me. My compromises I'd made weighed on my mind daily. I didn't want to be this way. I didn't want to look this way. I didn't want to live this way. Yet I couldn't be "holy enough" to be Apostolic. I couldn't discipline myself into not struggling. So, I made compromises. I traded my skirts for "normal" jeans. I painted my face with makeup. I stopped talking religion so much. I chased after empty things. I finished bottles that brought no peace. I smoked as if that momentary calm-down would bring relief. I gambled as if money would solve all my problems. I identified in ways that Christians shouldn't. I owned struggles that silenced my faith. I kept my distance from those churchy folk because surely they were judgmental and wouldn't accept me for who I really am. I wanted to belong, but firmly believed that I didn't fit in. I wanted to go to church, but wanted to not want it anymore. I had been out of church for several years. I didn't think I'd ever go back to the way I used to be. I sat in darkness and tried to accept my demons as a part of me. I was in chains. I felt torn in half. It felt like my faith was tearing me up. In reality it was sins and bondage that was tearing me apart. My faith was trying to pull me away because I had roots in truth. My conclusion was that I would feel better if I walked away from church.

Coming Back

I left church forever
I left the church. I officially and formally decided to be done with church. I hadn’t been “in church” in years. It was October of 2019. October 13th to be exact. That was the day that I closed the chapter. I had been wanting to leave church. I had been saying for quite some time that I didn’t want to follow a denomination, didn’t want to follow a church, I just wanted Jesus. I didn’t want the mess. I felt like I couldn’t be Apostolic Pentecostal anymore. It’s not that I didn’t want to be. It’s that I thought I couldn’t be because I lived differently and wasn’t holy enough and never fit in. I needed closure. So, I decided to attend a final church service. A friend met me there and knew what I was doing. I could barely make myself go. I couldn’t stand being there. For some reason, I felt like I didn’t belong in church and shouldn’t be here. I couldn’t wait to leave. I spent half the service texting a friend. Finally service was over. I said hi to a few people. And I walked out those doors.

God pulled me hard to another church
I didn’t think I would ever go to church again. I knew that other types of churches did not satisfy my thirst for Spirit-filled services where you could feel the presence of God. I knew that my core doctrines were 100% Apostolic Pentecostal, and nothing else would provide a sense of belonging. It was lifestyle and standards that were the issue. I wanted to be Apostolic. I had it in my head that I couldn’t be. Jesus stepped in and battled for me here. I was backslid and losing my grip on my faith more than I ever had in all the years I’d been Christian. I was depressed and consumed with anxiety. I wasn’t thinking straight. The enemy had twisted my perspective. I had lies in my mind about not belonging at church and not being enough. I was convinced I needed to walk away. I walked out those doors fully intent that I would never step foot in a church again. And Jesus said NO. At the moment, I thought he was nagging me. In hindsight, I realize he was fighting for me. The enemy had a tight grasp and I wasn’t even pushing back. I had lost the battle in my mind. Jesus pushed back and pulled me in another direction. I look back on this day and see what great love God has for us. This was a defining day. I had made my decision to leave the church and I went through with my final service. I slipped. I fell. I couldn’t see straight. And he pulled me back up on my feet. Something in me wouldn’t stop saying I should visit that Lighthouse church. Even before I decided to leave the church, the thought of that Lighthouse church was on my mind for some reason. They have an evening service. I declared that I just officially left church for good. God said no. I hadn’t even made it home and he redirected my steps. He pulled me to go to the Apostolic Lighthouse Church (ALC Dayton) on Harshman Rd. I’d never been there, but I’d always felt drawn to that church even before I was Apostolic. It had been on my mind to go there for months. I’d wanted to visit for several years. This was the church I’d always felt drawn to. For years, I called it “that church on Harshman”. There was just something about it. Every time I ever drove down that road I stared at that church. This was the Pentecostal church I almost added to the schedule for the church visiting project back in 2009. This same time of year 10 years later and here I was being pulled to ALC. Actually, for several years while I was at New Life Worship Center, I asked friends to go with me to the evening service over there since we didn’t have one. No one ever would. I can’t remember if it was Friday night or Saturday night. I know it was that weekend I said I was leaving church. I went out for a fun night and went to the casino. I took a wrong turn on the way home and didn’t know where I was. “Wait a minute. Is this Harshman?” I said as I realized where I was. Coming home from the casino that night, I ended up passing right by the church. I wanted to pull over in the parking lot so bad. I wanted to just sit there for a minute, figure my life out. If I had been alone in the car, I might have. I’d never been there before, but God was pulling me there. I said no. Did you hear me? I’m done with church! I’m not like these people. I’m not holy like that. I can’t live up to that. Just leave me alone. God pulled me hard. I felt compelled to go there. I argued. I remember sitting in the recliner saying no because I could feel God speaking to me to go there. I finally decided to go. I didn’t know anybody there. I didn’t even know if they still had an evening service. I did Facebook message one person I knew of (didn’t actually know) that went there and he invited me to sit with his family. I remember he said “Listen to the pull.” and that was exactly what I needed to hear. I went to the 6:30pm service. Did I not just officially declare that I was leaving church? I’d been thinking about it for over a year. I’m. Not. Like. Them. And yet there I was. I was angry. I was hurt. I had so much going on in life. My life had fallen apart. I was struggling so bad. My anxiety was through the roof to the point that it was debilitating. I was broken. I just sat there wondering why God insisted I be there. Was it the sermon I needed to hear? Did He have a message for me or something? I mean, really, why did He call me there? I sat there in my purple flannel and purple dreamcatcher earrings with dark purple lipstick mentally listing out all the reasons I couldn’t be Apostolic anymore. But I looked around that sanctuary and thought it was odd that it felt like home. And then the choir started. Wow. This is church. I felt God. This is what church used to feel like. It was a Spirit-filled service and prayer filled the sanctuary. To this day I remember what I heard that night. Not in the sermon or in the songs, but in someone praying in tongues. They were behind me and I heard them crying out in prayer. They prayed in tongues and it was like hearing myself pray but I had lost the ability to pray like that. I know the bible talks about interpreting tongues, but I’ve never seen it. This was different. This person was praying in tongues and it was like my soul was crying out. I heard someone else crying out to God with the depths of their core, the kind of crying out for God you can only know when you’ve known darkness… the kind of crying out for Jesus you do when you need Him to rescue you. I’ve never experienced anything like it, and I’ll never forget how powerful it was to experience that. I knew there was something there for me. I compromised and said I’d come here sometimes maybe once in a blue moon when I feel like going to church. I knew I had to come back. Looking back this was confirmation. The Apostolic church is where I belong.

A compass point and an anchor
That church service was an anchor for me. I had stumbled into the compass I had been missing. I redirected. I came back to church. I found myself in the presence of God. I walked into the Apostolic atmosphere I had been gone from for so long that I forgot what it was like. And, I came back. I started going there regularly. It wasn't even an active decision. I couldn't get it off my mind. I started going every week because I wanted to be there.

My own stubbornness
I told myself I would never join a church again. I didn't want to get attached. I was afraid I wouldn't fit in and that I'd never really belong anywhere. I was afraid I'd like it there and then people wouldn't want me once they got to know me. I was certain that I wasn't good enough for these church people. And what I found was a congregation of loving people who are truly welcoming of all. I found people that I connected with and felt that God intended for me to grow connections here. I was determined to keep my distance, claim my lone wolf card and always have one foot out the door willing to leave if there were issues. I did choose to remain independent of denomination and formal church membership. I feared stepping closer and reaching a cutoff point of not being able to be involved. There are a lot of things in the Apostolic Pentecostal faith that I agree with wholeheartedly. There are a few things that I view differently. I still hesitate to let my guard down. I was quite adamant that I'd never join a church again. Yet I fell in love with this place and these people.

A change of heart
Immediately after getting back in church, things began to church. My anxiety turned to calmness. My panic attacks were replaced with peace. The desires of my heart began to change. The things I wanted to do were different. The way I dressed changed back to how I used to without it even being an active decision. I just did it. I did away with what I had come from. Some things changed soon after getting back in church. In other ways, I've grown in layers. I've come to understand some things that I never understood before. I have conviction on things now that is a new belief and new way for me. My mind has been transformed.

Am I really Apostolic?
This section wouldn't be completely transparent if I didn't acknowledge that some people do not consider me Apostolic. For some, being Apostolic is a matter of the core doctrines we all have unity in. For others, the criteria is more specific and downright stringent on holiness standards. Those standards vary somewhat from church to church. I do not follow denominational standards or a church’s standards. I agree with a lot of them and live the same way in almost every way I can think of. There are some things I'm actually more conservative on than most. There are other things I'm more liberal on, all of those are matters of appearance. But I don't follow a checklist of standards made by other people. I follow the bible the best I understand it. I follow my convictions. I follow God's voice in prayer. I do my best to follow the Holy Spirit leading me in everything. I'm not one to follow things I don't agree with or do not understand. Perhaps, if I had ever been given a list with scripture references or explanation of the biblical principles those standards are based off of, maybe it would be different. Of course, I have standards. All Christians should. I have standards when it comes to modesty and appearance and behavior and lifestyle and entertainment etc. I feel that the things not directly mentioned in scripture or where specifics are not given, we need to seek that out and genuinely look for guidance and conviction. Most of these standards in the Apostolic church are things I consider matters of personal conviction. There’s a few of them that I differ on. There are those who feel that because I wear jewelry (in moderation) or wore makeup until recently or wore pants, that I am not really Apostolic. I've come to accept those views are theirs. It's hurtful, yes. I don't think matters of personal conviction should be preached/followed like doctrine. I've seen too many people, especially women, fall away from church because there is often a stigma around not following standards. I don’t think any of these standards are worth excluding someone over. This has been my toughest area to navigate. It was one of the top things that kept me away from church and one of the top reasons I felt I couldn't come back. It's pretty much the only reason I won't join a church or claim the label of a denomination. Don't get me wrong; I absolutely believe in holiness as the lifestyle of God's people. I just have different views on what holiness means and what takes priority. So, to some who know me, they don't consider me really Apostolic. I suppose it means different things to different people. At the end of the day, I'm never going to go against what I believe God says so that I can obey or please man. If I feel God says something is wrong and I see that in scripture or biblical principles or if I feel conviction on that, I will not go against that! Even if my Apostolic peers think it's okay, I'm not going to compromise. On the other hand, if I have searched the scriptures and prayed over a topic and I feel God is okay with something, I won't go against that so I can fit in with people who have different convictions. I’m always open to conviction. I’m always open to revelation. I know there are things I’ve come to understand with time, and I’m sure there is more I will understand with time. We all grow at our own pace. With churches not really teaching standards like they used to, have some grace that it may take years for a person to learn on their own. Don’t judge someone for doing something you haven’t tried to teach them about. If I do receive conviction or understanding on something down the road, I’m okay with not knowing everything from day one. I’m okay with the growth process. And most likely I will blog and share with the world that chapter of my faith journey.

What it means to me

What it means to me to be Apostolic Pentecostal

It means believing Jesus is Lord and our God is one (Oneness doctrine).

It means being baptized in the name of Jesus, having gone down in the water in His name, raised with him, and washed of your sins.

It means being filled with the Holy Spirit. It's experiencing speaking in tongues for the first time and being able to pray in the Spirit like that any time.

It means being set apart, sanctified as one of God's holy people. It's coming out of the sinful ways you were in and transforming to live according to God's ways.

It means we strive for a lifestyle of holiness and living righteously. None of us are perfect. We all fall short. We all need grace. Yet the bible commands us to live differently than the world and that is what we intend to do. Denominations, churches, and individuals have some differences on the specifics of what that means. That's okay. Keep the main thing the main thing.

Being Apostolic means to gather together and worship and praise. We go to church. We have church. We are the church. Being in an Apostolic church means having the liberty to worship unhindered and in your own way. We can raise our hands. We can reach out. We can jump if we want to. We can cry if we feel to. We can pray how we need to. We can pray each other into breakthrough. It's having leadership that allows the church service to be led by the Holy Spirit.

Being among Apostolic Pentecostals is to be among an atmosphere that touches heaven. It means faith that moves mountains. It is chain-breaking, life-changing, powerfully transforming, Holy Ghost presence atmosphere.

It is mine. These things are mine. THIS is me. These beliefs and way of living is my Apostolic Pentecostal identity. And I love it. I love being Christian. I love following Jesus. I love having an Apostolic Pentecostal church as my home and my community. It means so much to me.

A gentle invitation to the backslider

Come home. Find what you need. Push aside everyone's opinions. Press through whatever hinders you. Get into his presence. Let nothing stop you. Find a church where you can attend and belong as you walk your own faith journey with Jesus.

I had such a hard time writing this blog. I felt like I couldn't articulate what it means to be Apostolic Pentecostal. Then I realized that I can't. I can't write down words or tell stories that fully grasp what it means. The fullness of being Apostolic Pentecostal must be experienced.

When I closed my eyes and thought about describing what it means to be Apostolic, I saw one thing -- a praying church. I see the people gathered together, praise, worship, holy hands lifted up, and I hear the sound of prayer -- whispers and shouts, a people pressing into his presence, the angelic sound of a room full of people praying in tongues. I don't ever want to not be in those spaces. I'm so glad I listened to the pull. I'm so glad I pushed past what people may think of me and pushed into God's presence once again. Is he calling you to walk closer to him? Is he calling you to get back in church? Answer the call.