Bereavement Support for Perinatal and Infant Loss

Honoring the lives of babies gone to heaven during pregnancy, birth, and as precious infants
​
Validating the grief of the loved ones still here


You're not alone

1 in 4 women will suffer miscarriage in their lifetime.  
10 to 20% of confirmed pregnancies end in miscarriage.  
Every 20 minutes a baby is stillborn. In the U.S. there are approximately 24,000 babies stillborn each year. 
The infant mortality rate in America is 5.9 deaths per every 1,000 live births. 

... Birth and bereavement go hand in hand far more than we care to admit ...


Bonding

They will always be yours. They are a part of you forever. Though their time on earth may be a short season, your bond is unbreakable. They are your child. You created them, they belong to you and you belong to them. Yet you will be separated. The following are some things you can do to create/capture memories of them while they are physically with you until you are reunited in heaven. 
 
If you are still pregnant and baby is still alive, but you have been told to expect loss
  • Love and cherish them every moment they are still with you. Embrace pregnancy, even if it’s expected to end in miscarriage. 
  • Take maternity photos of you while you are still pregnant. Even if you don’t have a bump yet, you know they are there.
  • If you are able, record their heartbeat.
  • Record ultrasound appointments on video.
  • Write letters and read to them.
  • Make a pregnancy scrapbook.
  • Take a babymoon. Take them places.
  • Talk to them often. Bond with them as you would if you were expecting a healthy outcome. Don’t hesitate to love fully.
  • Buy clothes, blankets, and other items for them anyway.
  • Get them a special gift. Maybe get something personalized with their name on it.
 
If your baby has passed in the womb and has just been born
  • You can name your child.
  • Hold your baby.
  • Invite close loved ones to meet your baby.
  • Take pictures and videos of your baby.
  • Also get pictures with the parents, siblings, and other loved ones such as grandparents.
  • Talk to your baby.
  • You can sing to them.
  • Read a book to them.
  • If they are developed enough, you can dress them. Ask your care team if you can bathe them.
  • You may want to have a religious leader present for prayer.
 
If you are not able to hold them
  • If they are too small to hold, you can place them in a jar or bowl of water. Hold the bowl.
  • If you do not have a body to hold (ex. you had a D&C), take some time to sit and say farewell. You can still talk to them, sing, read, and tell them the things you would if you had them in your hands. They are still a part of you.
 
If they are born alive, but not expected to survive
  • Pictures and videos of them while still alive are more precious than gold.
  • Take pictures and videos of your baby with their parents, siblings, and other loved ones.
  • Invite siblings and people you are close with to meet your child.
  • Talk to them. Sing to them. Read to him or her. Tell them about your family and their parents.
  • You can dress them.
  • Baby may be able to breastfeed a little.
  • Ask your care team if it’s safe to give your baby a bath.
  • Hold them as much as you can. Let them know nothing but love in the comfort of your arms.
  • If you desire, you can have a minister from your church pray over them and validate their belonging in the family of God.  


Keepsakes and mementos

If you are still pregnant
If you have received the devastating news that your unborn baby has passed away, there are a few things you can capture now to keep with you when you are parted.
  • Whatever pictures and videos you were able to get will always be cherished. Ultrasound pictures, videos, and heartbeat recordings are treasures.
  • A scrapbook of your pregnancy can be made with journal entries telling the story of their life while they were with you. Even if they’ve already passed, you can make a scrapbook of your pregnancy as a keepsake.
 
Shortly after birth
  • Pictures
  • Videos
  • If they are old enough,
    • Molds of hands and feet   
    • Ink prints of hands and feet  
    • Placenta prints
    • A lock of hair
  • A blanket that is theirs
  • An outfit that is theirs
  • A memory box for items from the hospital such as hospital bracelets
  • Make a certificate of birth.  
 
Shortly before they pass on or shortly after (if they survive a few days or weeks)
  • Pictures
  • Videos
  • Recordings of their heartbeat
  • A print out of their heart rhythm
  • Molds of hands and feet
  • Ink prints of hands and feet
  • A lock of hair
 
To carry on with you
  • Put an obituary in the newspaper. Buy the newspapers to have the obituary cut out.
  • You can write letters to your baby for as long as you want to.
  • Create a hope chest of their items.
  • What reminds you of them? Is there anything unique that makes you think of them? Perhaps, collecting buttons reminds you of their little button nose and makes you smile at the cuteness. Or feathers remind you of that gentle fluttering so quickly across your belly while they were with you; gather feathers.
  • Embroidered hankies with their name or initials embroidered
  • If you were able to have a recording of their heartbeat, you can get heartbeat bears (or other plush animals) to hold.
  • Name a star after your baby.
 
Memorabilia merchandise
  • Garden stones
  • Lanterns and candle holders
  • Art décor such as signs, paintings, woodwork, etc… 
  • Ribbons
  • Shirts and other apparel
  • Jewelry
    • You can get jewelry made with their fingerprint on it.
    • You can get perinatal and infant loss jewelry.
    • There is also awareness jewelry for specific causes of death.
    • Birthstone jewelry, maybe get their name or initials with it


In memory of

Your baby’s footprint makes a mark. These are things you can do in memory or in honor of your child. Some of these options are age-dependent.
 
Within a few days of their death
  • Name your child. Even if your pregnancy was early on when they passed away, you can name your baby if you’d like to. Give them an identity.
  • Put an obituary in the newspaper.
  • Have a funeral or a memorial service.
  • Put an obituary on the funeral home website.
  • A burial is not legally required for miscarried babies. You can choose burial even before legally required. You can also choose cremation, possibly burying the urn later. Check with your local cemeteries on their rules for perinatal loss.
  • As an alternative to a formal service, you can have a memorial service with close family and friends at your house.
 
On their due date or anniversary of their birth and/or death, you can
  • Set aside some time to remember them today.
  • Visit their grave. If they don’t have a grave, is there somewhere you can go that reminds you of them? Your local hospitals may have memory gardens.
  • If the season is right, plant flowers.
  • Do something as a family. Spend time together.
  • Some parents have a candlelight vigil on their due date or first anniversary of their passing.
 
Acknowledge them as part of your family.
  • Add them to the family tree.
  • Hang pictures of you during your pregnancy with them.
  • Have Christmas ornaments with their name on it. Just a little something to bring their presence with the family a bit more during the holidays. 
  • Talk about them freely. Their life is valid. They will always be your child.
 
Carry them with you.
  • Tattoos are a way to carry a symbol of them with you always.
  • Make a space in your bedroom that is dedicated to them. It could be a shelf or a cabinet. You can put pictures there, keepsakes and mementos, and quotes that comfort you.
  • Hang a canvas or artwork that has a comforting quote that reminds you of them.
  • Plant a garden in your yard that reminds you of them. If you have a certain flower that makes you think of them, plant those around you. Add a rock or brick with their name engraved on it. Maybe add garden sculptures of children.
  • What reminds you of them the most? How can you incorporate that into your home now so it feels like you’re carrying a part of them with you?
 
Gather with others.
  • October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. On October 15th people across the globe participate in what is called the wave of light. Loss parents and loved ones light a candle in memory of their babies. All around the world candles are lit on the same day united in acknowledgement and love.
  • Attend any events for parents of babies who have passed on. There are annual events nationally and locally.
 
Make a difference . . . in their name. 
  • You may be able to donate breast milk.
  • Donate teddy bears to the hospitals for the parents who will go home empty-handed.
  • You can donate Cuddle Cots to local hospitals in memory of your child.
  • You can crochet or sew blankets and donate them to the NICU.
  • Angel gowns are small gowns for babies that are born still or die soon after birth. These are usually made from donated wedding dresses.
  • Blogging is a good way to share the story of your baby’s life and share the journey of walking forward without them in your arms. Blogging can be done from your home at a time that you feel up for it. 
  • Host support groups.
  • Do a fundraiser.
  • Do an awareness event. 
  • Start a foundation in their honor.
 
 
Do what is right for you and your family. Some parents are very open about their loss while others keep it tucked away. Everyone grieves in their own way and at their own pace. You may prefer different options in different seasons of your grief. You can tell the whole world or you can keep their memory snug against your heart for just you to hold. Do what you are comfortable with.


Grief

There are 7 stages of grief.
  1. Shock and disbelief
  2. Denial
  3. Guilt
  4. Anger and bargaining
  5. Depression, loneliness, and reflection
  6. Reconstruction and working through
  7. Acceptance
 
Everyone grieves differently. It is their own journey to walk. The loss of a baby is not something people ever “get over”. It is something people survive. You will survive too, even if there are days it doesn’t feel like it. Your loss is valid, and your grief is too.
 
There are 7 stages of grief. Not everyone goes through all of these stages. It’s a fluid process. One may bounce between these steps or skip over or go back to. The amount of time spent working through the early days of grief is entirely individual.
 
Use this list to self-reflect on your grief. Perhaps, journal about your grief. Come back to this and check in with where you’re at in your grief. Know that this is a normal process. Grief often feels overwhelming. A variety of emotions are experienced in perinatal and infant loss. Seek support.
Deep grief
can only come from
a place of deep love.
Matthew 5:4
Blessed are those who mourn, 
for they will be comforted.


Bereavement work is sacred grounds

Let this be a place of healing waters. Let this be a place of love, of validation, of acceptance, of grief, of gratitude, of support, of connection, and of freedom to feel. When you are ready, let this be a place that you dig up the dust, reach into the darkness, and plants seeds. Flowers can grow in the desert.  May the words written here and the information/resources you find here be a salve to your deepest wounds.