Bereavement Support for Perinatal and Infant Loss
Honoring the lives of babies gone to heaven during pregnancy, birth, and as precious infants
Validating the grief of the loved ones still here
Validating the grief of the loved ones still here
You're not alone
10 to 20% of confirmed pregnancies end in miscarriage.
80% of miscarriages occur before 12 weeks.
There's a 1-5% chance of miscarrying in the second trimester.
Stillbirth happens in about 1 in 175 pregnancies (in America).
In the U.S. there are approximately 21,000 babies stillborn each year.
The infant mortality rate in America is 5.6 deaths per every 1,000 live births.
... Birth and bereavement go hand in hand far more than we care to admit ...
The definition of "bereave" is to be deprived of a loved one through a profound absence.
80% of miscarriages occur before 12 weeks.
There's a 1-5% chance of miscarrying in the second trimester.
Stillbirth happens in about 1 in 175 pregnancies (in America).
In the U.S. there are approximately 21,000 babies stillborn each year.
The infant mortality rate in America is 5.6 deaths per every 1,000 live births.
... Birth and bereavement go hand in hand far more than we care to admit ...
The definition of "bereave" is to be deprived of a loved one through a profound absence.
Local resources
| resources_for_perinatal_and_infant_loss_in_the_dayton_springfield_oh_area_[2024_august_19th].pdf |
Bonding
They will always be yours. They are a part of you forever. Though their time on earth may be a short season, your bond is unbreakable. They are your child. You created them, they belong to you and you belong to them. Yet you will be separated. The following are some things you can do to create/capture memories of them while they are physically with you until you are reunited in heaven.
If you are still pregnant and baby is still alive, but you have been told to expect loss
If your baby has passed in the womb and has just been born
If you are not able to hold them
If they are born alive, but not expected to survive
If you are still pregnant and baby is still alive, but you have been told to expect loss
- Love and cherish them every moment they are still with you. Embrace pregnancy, even if it’s expected to end in miscarriage.
- Take maternity photos of you while you are still pregnant. Even if you don’t have a bump yet, you know they are there.
- If you are able, record their heartbeat.
- Record ultrasound appointments on video.
- Write letters and read to them.
- Make a pregnancy scrapbook.
- Take a babymoon. Take them places.
- Talk to them often. Bond with them as you would if you were expecting a healthy outcome. Don’t hesitate to love fully.
- Buy clothes, blankets, and other items for them anyway.
- Get them a special gift. Maybe get something personalized with their name on it.
If your baby has passed in the womb and has just been born
- You can name your child.
- Hold your baby.
- Invite close loved ones to meet your baby.
- Take pictures and videos of your baby.
- Also get pictures with the parents, siblings, and other loved ones such as grandparents.
- Talk to your baby.
- You can sing to them.
- Read a book to them.
- If they are developed enough, you can dress them. Ask your care team if you can bathe them.
- You may want to have a minister present for prayer.
If you are not able to hold them
- If they are too small to hold, you can place them in a jar or bowl of water. Hold the bowl.
- If you do not have a body to hold (ex. you had a D&C), take some time to sit and say farewell. You can still talk to them, sing, read, and tell them the things you would if you had them in your hands. They are still a part of you.
If they are born alive, but not expected to survive
- Pictures and videos of them while still alive are more precious than gold.
- Take pictures and videos of your baby with their parents, siblings, and other loved ones.
- Invite siblings and people you are close with to meet your child.
- Talk to them. Sing to them. Read to him or her. Tell them about your family and their parents.
- You can dress them.
- Baby may be able to breastfeed a little.
- Ask your care team if it’s safe to give your baby a bath.
- Hold them as much as you can. Let them know nothing but love in the comfort of your arms.
- If you desire, you can have a minister from your church pray over them and validate their belonging in the family of God.
Keepsakes and mementos
If you are still pregnant
If you have received the devastating news that your unborn baby has passed away, there are a few things you can capture now to keep with you when you are parted.
Shortly after birth
Shortly before they pass on or shortly after (if they survive a few days or weeks)
To carry on with you
Memorabilia merchandise
If you have received the devastating news that your unborn baby has passed away, there are a few things you can capture now to keep with you when you are parted.
- Whatever pictures and videos you were able to get will always be cherished. Ultrasound pictures, videos, and heartbeat recordings are treasures.
- A scrapbook of your pregnancy can be made with journal entries telling the story of their life while they were with you. Even if they’ve already passed, you can make a scrapbook of your pregnancy as a keepsake.
- If loss is anticipated shortly after delivery of a baby that will be born alive, get a print out of the strip from fetal monitoring during labor.
Shortly after birth
- Pictures
- Videos
- If they are old enough,
- Molds of hands and feet
- Ink prints of hands and feet
- Placenta prints
- A lock of hair
- A blanket that is theirs
- An outfit that is theirs
- A memory box for items from the hospital such as hospital bracelets
- Make a certificate of birth.
Shortly before they pass on or shortly after (if they survive a few days or weeks)
- Pictures
- Videos
- Recordings of their heartbeat
- A print out of their heart rhythm
- Molds of hands and feet
- Ink prints of hands and feet
- A lock of hair
To carry on with you
- Put an obituary in the newspaper. Buy the newspapers to have the obituary cut out.
- You can write letters to your baby for as long as you want to.
- Create a hope chest of their items.
- What reminds you of them? Is there anything unique that makes you think of them? Perhaps, collecting buttons reminds you of their little button nose and makes you smile at the cuteness. Or feathers remind you of that gentle fluttering so quickly across your belly while they were with you; gather feathers.
- Embroidered hankies with their name or initials embroidered
- If you were able to have a recording of their heartbeat, you can get heartbeat bears (or other plush animals) to hold.
- Name a star after your baby.
Memorabilia merchandise
- Garden stones
- Lanterns and candle holders
- Art décor such as signs, paintings, woodwork, etc…
- Ribbons
- Shirts and other apparel
- Jewelry
- You can get jewelry made with their fingerprint on it.
- You can get perinatal and infant loss jewelry.
- There is also awareness jewelry for specific causes of death.
- Birthstone jewelry, maybe get their name or initials with it
In memory of
Your baby’s footprint makes a mark. These are things you can do in memory or in honor of your child. Some of these options are age-dependent.
Within a few days of their death
On their due date or anniversary of their birth and/or death, you can
Acknowledge them as part of your family.
Carry them with you.
Gather with others.
Make a difference . . . in their name.
Do what is right for you and your family. Some parents are very open about their loss while others keep it tucked away. Everyone grieves in their own way and at their own pace. You may prefer different options in different seasons of your grief. You can tell the whole world or you can keep their memory snug against your heart for just you to hold. Do what you are comfortable with.
Within a few days of their death
- Name your child. Even if your pregnancy was early on when they passed away, you can name your baby if you’d like to. Give them an identity.
- Put an obituary in the newspaper.
- Have a funeral or a memorial service.
- Put an obituary on the funeral home website.
- A burial is not legally required for miscarried babies. You can choose burial even before legally required. You can also choose cremation, possibly burying the urn later. Check with your local cemeteries on their rules for perinatal loss.
- As an alternative to a formal service, you can have a memorial service with close family and friends at your house.
On their due date or anniversary of their birth and/or death, you can
- Set aside some time to remember them today.
- Visit their grave. If they don’t have a grave, is there somewhere you can go that reminds you of them? Your local hospitals may have memory gardens.
- If the season is right, plant flowers.
- Do something as a family. Spend time together.
- Some parents have a candlelight vigil on their due date or first anniversary of their passing.
Acknowledge them as part of your family.
- Add them to the family tree.
- Hang pictures of you during your pregnancy with them.
- Have Christmas ornaments with their name on it. Just a little something to bring their presence with the family a bit more during the holidays.
- Talk about them freely. Their life is valid. They will always be your child.
Carry them with you.
- Tattoos are a way to carry a symbol of them with you always.
- Make a space in your bedroom that is dedicated to them. It could be a shelf or a cabinet. You can put pictures there, keepsakes and mementos, and quotes that comfort you.
- Hang a canvas or artwork that has a comforting quote that reminds you of them.
- Plant a garden in your yard that reminds you of them. If you have a certain flower that makes you think of them, plant those around you. Add a rock or brick with their name engraved on it. Maybe add garden sculptures of children.
- What reminds you of them the most? How can you incorporate that into your home now so it feels like you’re carrying a part of them with you?
Gather with others.
- October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. On October 15th people across the globe participate in what is called the wave of light. Loss parents and loved ones light a candle in memory of their babies. All around the world candles are lit on the same day united in acknowledgement and love.
- Attend any events for parents of babies who have passed on. There are annual events nationally and locally.
Make a difference . . . in their name.
- You may be able to donate breast milk.
- Donate teddy bears to the hospitals for the parents who will go home empty-handed.
- You can donate Cuddle Cots to local hospitals in memory of your child.
- You can crochet or sew blankets and donate them to the NICU.
- Angel gowns are small gowns for babies that are born still or die soon after birth. These are usually made from donated wedding dresses.
- Blogging is a good way to share the story of your baby’s life and share the journey of walking forward without them in your arms. Blogging can be done from your home at a time that you feel up for it.
- Some loss moms take to social media to tell their story, carry on the honor of their baby's name, and offer support to other loss moms.
- Host support groups.
- Do a fundraiser.
- Do an awareness event.
- Start a foundation in their honor.
- Start a ministry for perinatal and infant loss.
Do what is right for you and your family. Some parents are very open about their loss while others keep it tucked away. Everyone grieves in their own way and at their own pace. You may prefer different options in different seasons of your grief. You can tell the whole world or you can keep their memory snug against your heart for just you to hold. Do what you are comfortable with.
How to survive a loss like this
If you are coming to this page fresh in grief shortly after being separated from your baby, here is some advice on getting through the rough seas of grief in the early days.
The death of a baby is a deeply tragic loss that is difficult to survive. To keep breathing after a child dies is a grief like no other. Some days are better than others. Some nights are longer than others. There does come a day when you smile again and a day when you have joy again. Here are some options to help survive and have comfort in the pain.
Remember to eat and drink some water.
Time is warped when you grieve. You may not know what day it is. Ask yourself when the last time was you ate. Make sure you are staying hydrated.
Get rest.
Take a shower. Put comfortable clothes on. Sleep. Rest. Lay there. Let your body recover from birth and from the trauma.
Get help.
It’s okay to go to counseling. Individual counseling, couple’s support, and family counseling can all be helpful. It’s also okay if it’s a while down the road before you feel ready to talk about it.
Connect with peer support.
Only a loss parent can truly understand the pain a loss parent goes through. Connecting with others who have walked a similar path can be a lifeline.
Have something to hang on to.
There are many keepsakes and mementos. Comfort bears are an option. Carry them with you.
Hold space.
Set up a space for them in your home. Include them in your family traditions.
Celebrate their life.
Yes, celebrate. They existed. They were alive inside of you. They are yours. It’s okay to acknowledge their due date or their birth day (even if it was the same day they passed). A friend calls it her baby’s “heaven date” and I think that’s beautiful. It’s okay to bake a cake if you want to. Whatever you want to do to celebrate their life is okay.
Journal.
Journaling can be very therapeutic.
Do what you need to do to cope.
Some days are more productive than others. Some days you sleep more. Some days you get out and breathe the fresh air. Other days you pull away and need time alone. Do what you need to do in the day you’re in.
Get involved in the community of loss support.
There are opportunities to donate, fundraise, craft, and gather together. Attend remembrance events. Go to support meetings. Find a way to give back and give support if you feel able.
Take it one day at a time.
Grief is thick and it comes in waves. In time, the activities and the good things of life do continue. Hang on for that.
Faith.
Many turn to their faith to help them navigate death and grief. What does that look like for you?
The death of a baby is a deeply tragic loss that is difficult to survive. To keep breathing after a child dies is a grief like no other. Some days are better than others. Some nights are longer than others. There does come a day when you smile again and a day when you have joy again. Here are some options to help survive and have comfort in the pain.
Remember to eat and drink some water.
Time is warped when you grieve. You may not know what day it is. Ask yourself when the last time was you ate. Make sure you are staying hydrated.
Get rest.
Take a shower. Put comfortable clothes on. Sleep. Rest. Lay there. Let your body recover from birth and from the trauma.
Get help.
It’s okay to go to counseling. Individual counseling, couple’s support, and family counseling can all be helpful. It’s also okay if it’s a while down the road before you feel ready to talk about it.
Connect with peer support.
Only a loss parent can truly understand the pain a loss parent goes through. Connecting with others who have walked a similar path can be a lifeline.
Have something to hang on to.
There are many keepsakes and mementos. Comfort bears are an option. Carry them with you.
Hold space.
Set up a space for them in your home. Include them in your family traditions.
Celebrate their life.
Yes, celebrate. They existed. They were alive inside of you. They are yours. It’s okay to acknowledge their due date or their birth day (even if it was the same day they passed). A friend calls it her baby’s “heaven date” and I think that’s beautiful. It’s okay to bake a cake if you want to. Whatever you want to do to celebrate their life is okay.
Journal.
Journaling can be very therapeutic.
Do what you need to do to cope.
Some days are more productive than others. Some days you sleep more. Some days you get out and breathe the fresh air. Other days you pull away and need time alone. Do what you need to do in the day you’re in.
Get involved in the community of loss support.
There are opportunities to donate, fundraise, craft, and gather together. Attend remembrance events. Go to support meetings. Find a way to give back and give support if you feel able.
Take it one day at a time.
Grief is thick and it comes in waves. In time, the activities and the good things of life do continue. Hang on for that.
Faith.
Many turn to their faith to help them navigate death and grief. What does that look like for you?
Grief
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There are 7 stages of grief.
Everyone grieves differently. It is their own journey to walk. The loss of a baby is not something people ever “get over”. It is something people survive. You will survive too, even if there are days it doesn’t feel like it. Your loss is valid, and your grief is too. There are 7 stages of grief. Not everyone goes through all of these stages. It’s a fluid process. One may bounce between these steps or skip over or go back to. The amount of time spent working through the early days of grief is entirely individual. Use this list to self-reflect on your grief. Perhaps, journal about your grief. Come back to this and check in with where you’re at in your grief. Know that this is a normal process. Grief often feels overwhelming. A variety of emotions are experienced in perinatal and infant loss. Seek support. |
Deep grief Matthew 5:4 |
Scriptures for grief support
Matthew 5:4
Blessed are those who mourn,
for they shall be comforted. (WEB)
1 Thessalonians 4:13-14
But we don’t want you to be ignorant, brothers, concerning those who have fallen asleep, so that you don’t grieve like the rest, who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep in Jesus. (WEB)
Psalm 34:18
Yahweh is near to those who have a broken heart,
and saves those who have a crushed spirit. (WEB)
Psalm 147:3
He heals the broken in heart, and binds up their wounds. (WEB)
John 14:27
Peace I leave with you. My peace I give to you; not as the world gives, I give to you. Don’t let your heart be troubled, neither let it be fearful. (WEB)
Lamentations 3:22
It is because of Yahweh’s loving kindnesses that we are not consumed, because his compassion doesn’t fail. (WEB)
Psalm 46:1-2
God is our refuge and strength,
a very present help in trouble.
Therefore we won’t be afraid, though the earth changes,
though the mountains are shaken into the heart of the seas; (WEB)
Isaiah 41:10
fear thou not, for I am with thee; be not dismayed, for I am thy God; I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. (ASV)
2 Corinthians 4:7-9
But we have this treasure in clay vessels, that the exceeding greatness of the power may be of God, and not from ourselves. We are pressed on every side, yet not crushed; perplexed, yet not to despair; pursued, yet not forsaken; struck down, yet not destroyed; (WEB)
Psalm 71:20
You, who have shown us many and bitter troubles,
you will let me live.
You will bring us up again from the depths of the earth. (WEB)
Isaiah 43:2
When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned, neither shall the flame kindle upon thee. (ASV)
Psalm 56:8
Thou numberest my wanderings:
Put thou my tears into thy bottle;
Are they not in thy book? (ASV)
Revelation 21:4
He will wipe away every tear from their eyes. Death will be no more; neither will there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain, any more. The first things have passed away.” (WEB)
2 Corinthians 1:3-5
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort; who comforts us in all our affliction, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, through the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as the sufferings of Christ abound to us, even so our comfort also abounds through Christ. (WEB)
Blessed are those who mourn,
for they shall be comforted. (WEB)
1 Thessalonians 4:13-14
But we don’t want you to be ignorant, brothers, concerning those who have fallen asleep, so that you don’t grieve like the rest, who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep in Jesus. (WEB)
Psalm 34:18
Yahweh is near to those who have a broken heart,
and saves those who have a crushed spirit. (WEB)
Psalm 147:3
He heals the broken in heart, and binds up their wounds. (WEB)
John 14:27
Peace I leave with you. My peace I give to you; not as the world gives, I give to you. Don’t let your heart be troubled, neither let it be fearful. (WEB)
Lamentations 3:22
It is because of Yahweh’s loving kindnesses that we are not consumed, because his compassion doesn’t fail. (WEB)
Psalm 46:1-2
God is our refuge and strength,
a very present help in trouble.
Therefore we won’t be afraid, though the earth changes,
though the mountains are shaken into the heart of the seas; (WEB)
Isaiah 41:10
fear thou not, for I am with thee; be not dismayed, for I am thy God; I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. (ASV)
2 Corinthians 4:7-9
But we have this treasure in clay vessels, that the exceeding greatness of the power may be of God, and not from ourselves. We are pressed on every side, yet not crushed; perplexed, yet not to despair; pursued, yet not forsaken; struck down, yet not destroyed; (WEB)
Psalm 71:20
You, who have shown us many and bitter troubles,
you will let me live.
You will bring us up again from the depths of the earth. (WEB)
Isaiah 43:2
When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned, neither shall the flame kindle upon thee. (ASV)
Psalm 56:8
Thou numberest my wanderings:
Put thou my tears into thy bottle;
Are they not in thy book? (ASV)
Revelation 21:4
He will wipe away every tear from their eyes. Death will be no more; neither will there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain, any more. The first things have passed away.” (WEB)
2 Corinthians 1:3-5
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort; who comforts us in all our affliction, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, through the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as the sufferings of Christ abound to us, even so our comfort also abounds through Christ. (WEB)
Songs about perinatal and infant loss or grief
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