Neonatal death - bonding, keepsakes, mementos, and their legacy

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Neonatal death: bonding, keepsakes and mementos, and keeping their memory alive

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Neonatal death
If you are expecting to deliver a baby who will only be here on earth a short time, here are ways to bond with your baby during pregnancy and after birth. If you have suffered the death of your infant, there are also options for keepsakes, mementos, and keeping their legacy alive.

Bonding with your baby

They will always be yours. They are a part of you forever. Though their time on earth may be a short season, your bond is unbreakable. They are your child. You created them, they belong to you and you belong to them. 
 
If you are still pregnant, but they have a fatal diagnosis

• Record their heartbeat.
  
• Record ultrasound appointments on video.
• Take a ton of maternity photos.
• Make a pregnancy scrapbook.
• Take a babymoon. Take them places.
  
• Talk to them often. Bond with them as you would if you were expecting a healthy outcome. Don’t hesitate to love fully.
• Buy clothes, blankets, and other items for them anyway.

 
If they are born alive, but not expected to survive

• Pictures and videos of them while still alive are more precious than gold.
  
• Take pictures and videos of your baby with their parents, siblings, and other loved ones.
• Invite siblings and people you are close with to meet your child.
• Talk to them. Sing to them. Read to him or her. Tell them about your family and their parents.
• You can dress them.
• Baby may be able to breastfeed a little.
• Ask your care team if it’s safe to give your baby a bath.
• Hold them as much as you can. Let them know nothing but love in the comfort of your arms.
• If you desire, you can have a minister from your church pray over them and validate their belonging in the family of God. Your church may do baby dedications.
  

Keepsakes and mementos

Keep these things. Carry them with you as you walk the journey of your life.
Hold the memories close. They will always be a part of you.
 
 
From your pregnancy
Even the tiniest things become mementos when a loved one passes on.

• Any recordings of their heartbeat or videos of ultrasounds are keepsakes to be treasured.
  
• Ultrasound pictures are a jewel. 
• Pictures of you while still pregnant are so valuable.
• A scrapbook of your pregnancy can be made with journal entries telling the story of their life while they were with you.

 
Shortly after birth

• Pictures
  
• Videos
  
• Molds of hands and feet
• Ink prints of hands and feet
• A blanket that is theirs
• An outfit that is theirs
• A memory box for items from the hospital such as hospital bracelets
• Make a decorative certificate of birth as a keepsake.
• Placenta prints may be something you’d like to have.

 
Shortly before they pass on (or shortly after)
In addition to the above-mentioned keepsakes and mementos you can gather after they are born, here are a few things you may want to do on the day they pass on.

• Pictures
  
• Videos
• Molds of hands and feet
• Ink prints of hands and feet
  
• A lock of hair

 
To carry on with you

• Put an obituary in the newspaper. Buy the newspapers to have the obituary cut out.
  
• You can write letters to your baby.
• Create a hope chest of their items.
• What reminds you of them? Is there anything unique that makes you think of them? Perhaps, collecting buttons reminds you of their little button nose and makes you smile at the cuteness. Or feathers remind you of that gentle fluttering so quickly across your belly while they were with you; gather feathers.
  
• Embroidered hankies with their name or initials embroidered
• If you were able to have a recording of their heartbeat, you can get heartbeat bears (or other plush animals) to hold.
• Name a star after your baby.

 
Memorabilia merchandise

• Garden stones
  
• Lanterns and candle holders
• Art décor such as signs, paintings, woodwork, etc… 
• Ribbons
  
• Shirts and other apparel
• Jewelry
  • You can get jewelry made with their fingerprint on it.
  • You can get perinatal and infant loss jewelry.
  • There is also awareness jewelry for specific causes of death.
  • Birthstone jewelry, maybe get their name or initials with it

Keeping their legacy alive

Your baby’s footprint makes a mark!
 
These are things you can do in memory of or in honor of your child.
 
 
Acknowledge them as part of your family.

• Put an obituary in the newspaper.
  
• Have a funeral or a memorial service.
• Put an obituary on the funeral home website.
• Add them to the family tree.
• Hang pictures of them or of you during your pregnancy with them.
• Have Christmas ornaments with their name on it. Just a little something to bring their presence with the family a bit more during the holidays. 
• Talk about them freely. Their life is valid. They will always be your child.

 
Carry them with you.

• Tattoos are a way to carry a symbol of them with you always.
  
• Make a space in your bedroom that is dedicated to them. It could be a shelf or a cabinet. You can put pictures there, keepsakes and mementos, and quotes that comfort you.
• Hang a canvas or artwork that has a comforting quote that reminds you of them.
• Plant a garden in your yard that reminds you of them. If you have a certain flower that makes you think of them, plant those around you. Add a rock or brick with their name engraved on it. Maybe add garden sculptures of children.
  
• What reminds you of them the most? How can you incorporate that into your home now so it feels like you’re carrying a part of them with you?

 
On the anniversary of their birth and/or death, you can

• Visit their grave.
  
• If the time of year is right, plant flowers.
• Host an event in relation to their death. For example, if your preemie died of necrotizing enterocolitis, you can host a fundraiser for research.

 
Gather with others.

• Participate in events related to how you lost them. If they were premature, you can attend walk-a-thons for prematurity.
  
• October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. On October 15th people across the globe participate in what is called the wave of light. Loss parents and loved ones light a candle in memory of their babies. All around the world candles are lit on the same day united in acknowledgement and love.
• Attend any events for parents of babies who have passed on. There are annual events nationally and locally.

 
Make a difference . . . in their name. Let their life, however short here on earth, touch someone else’s life.

• Blogging is a good way to share the story of your baby’s life and share the journey of walking forward without them in your arms. Blogging can be done from your home at a time that you feel up for it.
  
• You may be able to donate breast milk.
• Donate teddy bears to the hospitals for the parents who will go home empty-handed.
• You can donate Cuddle Cots to local hospitals in memory of your child.
• You can crochet or sew blankets and donate them to the NICU.
• Angel gowns are small gowns for babies that are born still or die soon after birth. These are usually made from donated wedding dresses.
• Host support groups.
  
• Do a fundraiser.
• Do an awareness event. This would likely be specific to the reason for their death.
• Start a foundation in their honor.

Do what is right for you

Do what is right for you and your family. Some parents are very open about their loss while others keep it tucked away. Everyone grieves in their own way and at their own pace. You may prefer different options in different seasons of your grief. You can tell the whole world or you can keep their memory snug against your heart for just you to hold. Do what you are comfortable with.

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