Miscarriage - bonding, keepsakes, mementos, and their legacy

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Miscarriage: bonding, keepsakes and mementos, and keeping their memory alive

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Miscarriage
If you are in the process of having a miscarriage, here are ways to bond with your baby. If you have had a miscarriage, there are also ideas for keepsakes, mementos, and keeping their legacy alive.

Bonding with your baby

They will always be yours. They are a part of you forever. Though their time on earth may be a short season, your bond is unbreakable. They are your child. You created them, they belong to you and you belong to them. Yet you will be separated. The following are some things you can do to create/capture memories of them while they are physically with you until you are reunited in heaven. 
 
If you are still pregnant (baby still alive)

• Take maternity photos of you while you are still pregnant. Even if you don’t have a bump yet, you know they are there.
• If you are able, record their heartbeat.
• Love and cherish them every moment they are still with you. Enjoy pregnancy, even if it’s expected to end in miscarriage. 

 
If you are expecting to have or have just had a miscarriage

• You can name your child.
• Hold your baby.
• Talk to your baby.
• You can sing to them. 
• Read a book to them. 

 
If you are not able to hold them

• If they are too small to hold, you can place them in a jar or bowl of water. Hold the bowl.
• If you do not have a body to hold (ex. you had a D&C), take some time to sit and say farewell. You can still talk to them, sing, read, and tell them the things you would if you had them in your hands. They are still a part of you.

Keepsakes and mementos

Keep these things. Carry them with you as you walk the journey of your life.
Hold the memories close. They will always be a part of you.
 
 
If you are still pregnant
If you have received the devastating news that your unborn baby has passed away, there are a few things you can capture now to keep with you when you are parted.

• If your baby is still alive but not expected to live much longer, record their heartbeat.
  
• Ultrasound pictures are a treasure.
• Pictures of you while still pregnant are precious. Even if you are not showing that bump, you know your baby is in there. Capture this moment.
• A scrapbook of your pregnancy can be made with journal entries telling the story of their life while they were with you.
  

 
Shortly after birth

• Pictures
  
• Videos
• Molds of hands and feet may be possible depending on age
• Ink prints of hands and feet may be possible depending on age
• A blanket that is theirs
• An outfit that is theirs
  
• A memory box for items from the hospital such as hospital bracelets
• Make a certificate of birth.
• Placenta prints may be something you’d like to have.

 
To carry on with you

• You can write letters to your baby.
  
• Create a hope chest of their items.
• What reminds you of them? Is there anything unique that makes you think of them? Perhaps, collecting buttons reminds you of their little button nose and makes you smile at the cuteness. Or feathers remind you of that gentle fluttering so quickly across your belly while they were with you; gather feathers.
• Embroidered hankies with their name or initials embroidered
• If you were able to have a recording of their heartbeat, you can get heartbeat bears (or other plush animals) to hold.
• Name a star after your baby.
  

 
Memorabilia merchandise

• Garden stones
  
• Lanterns and candle holders
• Art décor such as signs, paintings, woodwork, etc… 
• Ribbons
• Shirts and other apparel
• Jewelry
  • You can get jewelry made with their fingerprint on it.
  • You can get perinatal and infant loss jewelry.
  • There is also awareness jewelry for specific causes of death.
  • Birthstone jewelry, maybe get their name or initials with it

Keeping their legacy alive

Your baby’s footprint makes a mark
 
These are things you can do in memory of or in honor of your child.
 
 
Acknowledge them as part of your family.

• Name your child. Even if your pregnancy was early on when they passed away, you can name your baby if you’d like to. Give them an identity.
  
• Put an obituary in the newspaper.
• Have a funeral or a memorial service.
• Put an obituary on the funeral home website.
• A burial is not legally required for miscarried babies. You can choose burial even before legally required. You can also choose cremation, possibly burying the urn later. Check with your local cemeteries on their rules for perinatal loss.
• As an alternative to a formal service, you can have a memorial service with close family and friends at your house.
• Add them to the family tree.
  
• Hang pictures of you during your pregnancy with them.
• Have Christmas ornaments with their name on it. Just a little something to bring their presence with the family a bit more during the holidays. 
• Talk about them freely. Their life is valid. They will always be your child.

 
Carry them with you.

• Tattoos are a way to carry a symbol of them with you always.
  
• Make a space in your bedroom that is dedicated to them. It could be a shelf or a cabinet. You can put pictures there, keepsakes and mementos, and quotes that comfort you.
• Hang a canvas or artwork that has a comforting quote that reminds you of them.
• Plant a garden in your yard that reminds you of them. If you have a certain flower that makes you think of them, plant those around you. Add a rock or brick with their name engraved on it. Maybe add garden sculptures of children.
• What reminds you of them the most? How can you incorporate that into your home now so it feels like you’re carrying a part of them with you?

 
On the anniversary of their birth and/or death, you can

• Visit their grave. If they don’t have a grave, is there somewhere you can go that reminds you of them? Your local hospitals may have memory gardens.
  
• If the season is right, plant flowers.
• Set aside some time to remember them today.

 
Gather with others.

• October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. On October 15th people across the globe participate in what is called the wave of light. Loss parents and loved ones light a candle in memory of their babies. All around the world candles are lit on the same day united in acknowledgement and love.
  
• Attend any events for parents of babies who have passed on. There are annual events nationally and locally.
  

 
Make a difference . . . in their name. 

• Blogging is a good way to share the story of your baby’s life and share the journey of walking forward without them in your arms. Blogging can be done from your home at a time that you feel up for it. 
  
• Donate teddy bears to the hospitals for the parents who will go home empty-handed.
• You can donate Cuddle Cots to local hospitals in memory of your child.
• You can crochet or sew blankets and donate them to the NICU.
• Angel gowns are small gowns for babies that are born still or die soon after birth. These are usually made from donated wedding dresses.
• Host support groups.
• Do a fundraiser.
• Do an awareness event. 
  
• Start a foundation in their honor.

Do what is right for you

Do what is right for you and your family. Some parents are very open about their loss while others keep it tucked away. Everyone grieves in their own way and at their own pace. You may prefer different options in different seasons of your grief. You can tell the whole world or you can keep their memory snug against your heart for just you to hold. Do what you are comfortable with.

Maternal-infant Wellness Education
with Leanna Mae

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