Why I was atheist: Reflections of a Christian convert

From hardcore atheist who couldn’t stand Christians to being a devout Christian is nothing less than a powerful transformation. This is my story.
 
I was raised in a home with Christian parents of different denominations. We didn’t have a church. We did have bibles. We didn’t do bible studies or Vacation Bible School or anything like that. They taught me about God through their faith, and I accepted it as fact when I was young. By middle school the science and logic part of me had kicked in and I didn’t believe in things I couldn’t see. Around 14 I started exploring different religions. I’ve always liked to study religion. That’s certainly not a bad thing. I found Christians at school to be jerks. They were so rude to anyone who wasn’t like them. I made some non-Christian friends and went through a Wiccan phase my freshman year of high school. I liked the earthy natural feel, but the belief in it didn’t last. Again, I don’t believe in things I can’t see or experience. I felt like there could be or maybe should be a god out there, but didn’t find a religion to fit me or that felt right to me. Perhaps my biggest turn off to Christianity was the Christian youth I encountered and their treatment of people who weren’t like them. Whether that be atheists or any non-Christian, the goth crowd, the queer community, or even their own kind with a different subcategory label (denomination), they had no tolerance for the diversity of humanity. From time to time, Christians will ask me about my atheist years or my conversion to Christianity because they want to share the gospel with someone. There were several reasons I was atheist. I’ll share them here. Please do continue in the blog series on my faith journey to hear the rest of the story about why and how I became Christian, why I’m still Christian, and chapters of my story unfolded.
 
Why I was atheist:

• I’m a science and logic person. I’ve never been very spiritual. I believe in what I can see and analyze.
• Christians are often jerks to non-Christians. Being rude or talking down to someone did not make me want to join their club (church).
• Their focus on sin and threats of eternal torture if I didn’t join their club did not make me want to join their club. Telling me I will go to hell and burn for eternity if I don’t believe what they believe made me want nothing to do with them. The lake of fire is not exactly a good cover photo for a ‘Come to Jesus’ brochure. Seriously, people. You can’t threaten someone into the Christian faith. Not authentic faith, anyway.
• It’s rude to tell people they are sinners. Christians accept the sinful nature as part of their faith’s way to describe bad actions. To non-Christians, telling someone they are a sinner sends the message that they are a bad person. Why would I want to join the faith system of someone who thinks I’m a bad person? One thing I like to tell people who want to evangelize is this: Don’t preach sin at people who don’t know who the savior is. Share who God is and the message of his love before you go condemning people for their failures. Maybe try explaining sin and forgiveness, redemption, grace? You know, throw some of the good news in there instead of Condemnation 101 and nothing else.
• They can’t figure out what they believe. How can they be the one true religion if they argue over everything? The fact that there were so many denominations was a big hesitance for me.
• They’re so fake. They beat people with their beliefs and chosen labels, but they don’t live out their faith. Insert post it note: I was 17 when I became a Christian. I have far more grace for people in my 30s than I did in my teens. I saw their hypocrisy and assumed it was because their God wasn’t real. If he was, wouldn’t they love him enough to follow after him? Wouldn’t they be more like him?
• They look down on anyone different.
• They have no respect for people who are not like them. They have huge problems with people if you don’t agree with them. They act like they have to have their way in everything, including other people’s lives. 
• I do remember the tension among Christians between those in church and those not in church. I wanted to avoid the negative vibes coming from the church crowd.
• Peer pressure and the desire to fit in with the mainstream isn’t a pull for me. Back then, people would act like you just had to be Christian because it’s the thing that the right people do. It’s interesting to see the demographics on religious adherents over the decades. It used to be that it seemed like everyone was Christian, at least where I came from.
• Ghosts were a reason I didn’t believe heaven and hell could exist. Christians said people went to heaven or hell, no other options. Yet I saw ghosts from the time I was very young. I actually stopped seeing them after becoming Christian. Still, I had seen ghosts before my eyes. So, the Christian idea of afterlife couldn’t be true. There had to be people trapped here. There had to be a thin veil between this world and the afterlife. Perhaps, that was a silly stumbling block of my youth. Nevertheless, that was a big reason for me to remain an unbeliever when I started questioning Christianity.  
• I seek truth, answers, and understanding. I was never interested in a superficial faith for popularity points. I felt like there was a truth out there and I wanted it but I couldn’t find it.
• I was ignorant to history regarding Jesus of Nazareth. I had no idea that the historical figure actually existed. Reference the works of Josh McDowell and Lee Strobel. The historical factors fascinate me. I like facts. When I came to know those things, I was compelled to look further into this Jesus thing.
• Trying to read the bible from the beginning was some freaky stuff. The Old Testament sounds crazy and disturbing.
• Again, Christians were often unkind. This was the biggest reason I was atheist. To this day, the way Christians mistreat people repels me.

 

Jesus makes me want to be Christian. 
Christians make me want to be atheist. 

Important note: There are many good Christians out there. They represent Christ with their love and their character. I do not want to sound like I’m bashing all Christians. Many are good people who live out their faith righteously. Sadly, the bad fruit can turn a person away from the whole tree. Please know that I’m not bashing the good while I acknowledge the bad here.
 
And, again, not all Christians are like this. Not everybody does these things. No one is perfect. Nevertheless, a lot of these bad behaviors/perspectives are more common than we care to admit. They can also do more spiritual damage to a person than we care to admit. The way we treat people matters. We represent Christ. We represent our churches. We have the power to build up and we have the power to destroy. Be thoughtful about your messages and your communication techniques.
 
Though I am absolutely a believer in Jesus and an imperfect follower covered by His perfect grace, there are often times Christians remind me why I was atheist. I always see both sides. I see the Christian side of things because I am Christian. I see the non-Christian side of things because I was once among that crowd. I’m going to share here the things I see going on in Christian circles that turn people away from God. I hope that Christians will consider these things without offense and give consideration to how they come across, particularly to non-believers.

• First of all, denial and gaslighting of the issues within Christianity can so easily push people away from churches and away from God. I’ve been told I make the church look bad when I talk about issues in the church such as ignoring domestic violence. Some people act like we need to pretend it’s all roses so other people want what we have. Plenty of times I’ve seen people gaslight and act as if a person who has been wounded by churches or Christians it’s somehow their fault (they probably aren’t forgiving enough or they’re being judgmental or they’re causing division by calling out abuse, etc…) People who are brave enough to bring attention to issues for the sake of purging or improving are often the people who get blamed instead of the person who actually did something wrong. Deny. Deny. Deny. Act is if everything is great if you just look at it with a positive perspective. Denial. ​
• Secondly, the expected censorship of real issues bothers me. How often are churches and churchy people silencing victims because going public would make the church look bad? There have been numerous abuse scandals in several denominations that are notorious for silencing victims. Domestic violence victims are silenced. Abuse victims are told not to talk about it. People want to protect the church’s reputation even if it means sacrificing the sheep they are supposed to shepherd. How often are Christians told not to talk about things like depression or whatever life’s struggles are because they’re supposed to make the gospel look good? This is censorship, and it is often victim-blaming. I can’t blame the shushed people here if they choose to leave the church. Understandably, such things hurt their relationship with God.
• This is a big one for me: Truth with a capital T. I have visited many churches and talked to or listened to just about every flavor of Christian. One thing most of them have in common is they all think they are preaching/teaching/following truth. Denominations feel they are more right than other denominations. Some feel that they are the only true Christians. Christians usually feel their interpretations are more accurate than others (understandably or they’d probably change their interpretation). The problem isn’t that everyone thinks they are following Truth. The problem is all too often churches or individuals are so zealous for what they believe to be true they become adamantly opposed to anything different. They get angry at differing opinions. They go out of their way to tell others that they are wrong because they are so hell-bent on being right that they forsake the command to love others because there is a fire in them to argue. ((I fully admit I have been guilty of this many times. I like to discuss controversies and explore them.)) This Truth with a capital T is a stance where no other interpretation is possibly valid or even tolerated with a decent amount of respect. I will also say I am incredibly hesitant to return to any church that is zealous at declaring others wrong. I won’t talk religion with people that are like this. And people who are like this are the people who make atheism look friendly. Communication tip: Instead of telling other people what they believe is wrong, focus on explaining what you believe and why. Don’t correct people or talk down to them! 
• Christians look down on everybody else. They act as if only Christians are good people. They often feel that their faith is the foundation of all morals and values thus raising them to the responsibility of being society’s moral compass. They seem shocked to find out about all the non-Christian charities out there or the missionary/ministry type work that others are doing without it being a Jesus thing. It’s like they expect people who aren’t Christian to not have any family values or traditional lifestyle. Their VIP club is superior to every other community because they believe they are following truth. ((We can believe and live out what we are convicted is truth without treating others as inferior.)) They kind of have this idea that anyone who doesn’t have Jesus in their life must be walking around super depressed living in darkness (within grasp of the demon caves of secularism) without having purpose in their life and desperate for the gospel so they can find happiness and belonging. Reality check: Not all non-believers are depressed or feel that they are in darkness. Not all Christians are happy.
• They devour their own so badly non-believers may be afraid to even step into Christian circles (ex. go to church). If they tear down their own so harshly with heated division between denominations and doctrine, surely they would shred a non-Christian who stepped into their territory.
• They are the most (the most!) judgmental and verbally critical religious group out there. They tear people down more than any other religion (short of religious extremist terrorist groups). They brutally judge, condemn, criticize, demeanor, and so forth every little thing about everybody. One only needs to step into Christian women’s groups on Facebook to see what I’m talking about.
• Nothing is ever good enough for them unless you do it exactly like them. Stuff like this can make a believer fall away from the faith or at least from fellowship with other believers. You know who I’m talking about. The type that thinks anything more conservative is legalistic but anything more liberal is blasphemy or spiritually unripe or fallen away. The type of Christian that insists you believe like them and live like them and maybe even dress like them because they view themselves as the instructor even though you never asked them to boss you around.
• They lack tolerance for diversity in beliefs and interpretations. Just as well, they lack patience for those at an earlier or less mature point in their walk with God. Ironically, while they are lacking in tolerance and patience these are people who can never decide what exactly is true. They disagree amongst themselves over every single aspect of the Christian faith. Many people change their beliefs over the years. ((And it’s okay to change as you grow.))
• They are divisive. They’re often more focused on what divides them from other Christians or their denomination/church from others instead of focusing on what unites them. I’ve visited churches who bash other denominations from the pulpit. I never go back to those churches.
• A person can easily feel more love (and acceptance for who they are and where they’re at in life) in “the world” than in the church. Anyone who comes from the world or has backslidden will tell you how much love they felt in the world. Let me tell you something about atheists. They don’t judge you for your sins. The secular world is far more accepting of others. Secular folk often do a better job at loving the vastness of humanity than Christian folk do.
• Nosy, so nosy. They are. They get into the nitty gritty of things that are personal and ask questions that many would consider inappropriate. The worst part is they are being nosy to sniff out sin and call it out as if the Holy Spirit will convict you on the spot if that Christian asks you point blank if you’ve done _____.  
• They can be really rude with the holier-than-thou attitudes. Why would anyone want to be part of a club where they are never good enough? The snobbery found in church crowds is enough to make a lifelong church goer switch to staying home on Sundays.
• Compared to secular life, Christians and their churches are excessively controlling. They pry into every aspect of a person’s life telling people what to do and not do, how to do it, the right way and the wrong way, and how high to jump.
• Homophobia is a strong force in the Christian world. At large, the secular world is accepting of the gay community. Christians are the biggest haters of the queer community in America. For many queer Christians, the hatred thrown at them is the main thing that causes them to leave the church or even the faith altogether. Many a God-loving people have been pushed away from God by the hand of church folks who don’t understand the spectrum of sexual orientation. It is Christians who push the queer folks away from God. What’s sad is these people who have been pushed out or left because they were hurt are people who were trying to be there. They try to follow God and be in church and be in Christian circles only to be shoved down and kicked out by the people that profess to follow a God whose greatest commandment is to love.  
• Sexphobic ~ This may sound weird or excessive, but this is coming from the perspective of the atheist/agnostic old me. These people, Christians – especially the church going ones – are obsessed with sex. They are obsessed with forbidding it. They ask people if they’ve had sex, when, and with whom. They ban it before marriage with threats of hell to those who deviate. They tell you when you can have sex (after marriage). The church dictates what is and is not permissible in the bedroom rather than the couple deciding together what they are okay with. They treat sex as this bad, shameful, filthy, dirty thing that is a woman’s gift to her husband. Ironically, they only talk about not doing it. They never have healthy conversations about sex, consent, expectations, boundaries, etc… They also have strict rules on dating, kissing, any physical intimacy at all. It’s just weird. As Christians, we know that God designed sex for marriage. As non-Christians, it is freaky and pervy that these people are so sexphobic. Sex is a normal, natural, good thing that we desire. It’s human nature to have sex. It’s human nature to desire connection with others and intimacy. Outside of self-discipline for religious reasons, there’s no valid reason to be so anti-sex. Even as a Christian, I find this stigma around sex to be odd. For non-Christians and Christians alike, it is a barrier to be stigmatized in churches and Christian circles. And these are the people that want abstinence only education because real life sex ed is probably of the devil.
• Purity culture goes hand in hand with the above point. To non-Christians this is a really, really weird thing to hear about. That’s enough to make anyone want to run away from those who adhere to it.
• Women are a step down always. This is bothersome. For a woman who was not raised in church, this can be a big stumbling block. Even for a woman who has been rooted in church, the stifling box of gendered expectations and restrictions makes the secular world look like liberation.   
• Spiritual abuse is common.
• Mental health disorders are treated as a spiritual deficiency. That burns my biscuits. I myself avoid church when my anxiety is bad. People who suffer with anxiety or depression are encouraged to pray it away rather than address root causes or seek professional counseling or (God forbid) choose to self-care. Even for devout Christians, the stigma of mental health in Christian circles can be bad enough to make a person leave the church and question their relationship with God altogether.
• Political oppression is a specialty of theirs. They like to call equal rights for everyone an attack on their religious freedom or their religious rights to discriminate or even Christian persecution when their archaic perspectives are no longer popular opinion.  
• Church history is dark with centuries of mistreatment, oppression, and control.
• Churches expect your money and your life. They demand dedication weekly or twice weekly. They act as if the frequency of your church attendance is the measuring cup for your faith. They insinuate betrayal if you go to another church. They want you to dedicate hours of your life to them every single week or else you’re not enough.
• The constant “The world is ending” or “Jesus is coming back because _____” (fill in the blank with a totally normal event such as bad weather or a crime in the neighborhood or maybe a tad bit of politics) end times talk makes them look delusional and out of touch with reality. It appears they cannot cope with the struggles of this world. So, anytime something bad happens they just say Jesus is coming back. The end. They don’t seek real solutions to social issues, economic or political crisis, or environmental problems. The default cry to end times makes the atheist/agnostic club look like the hot spot for intellectual conversation.
• Another thing, this is just something people who grew up in church say that annoys me. The unchurched. Can you not call people that? It’s not offensive to call a person atheist or agnostic or simply not Christian if those are the labels they identify as. Refusing to call someone atheist because that’s a bad word to you while you find it more polite to call them “unchurched” is the kind of eye-rolling religion pushing that makes people want to poke you with a stick so they can run. 
• Every single one of the people that have wounded me the most have all been deeply religious Christians – not just Christians, but the deeply religious ones who often boast of their faith filling their Facebook feed with devotions and scripture topped with the cherry of a bible verse in their bio or cover photo yet in reality they are ravenous beasts. The extended family (I should say relatives, not family) that have hurt me the most are the most religious. The people who cut everybody out in attempts to isolate themselves from anyone not like them in faith and lifestyle are the ones who pride themselves on sharing the gospel because they went on a 2 week poverty tour mission trip or because they are in church every Sunday faithfully and involved in xyz ministries/programs. The “friends” who stop talking to you when you interpret one thing differently because they are so religious that they have not love for anyone who is not like them… The people who preach love with their lips but destroy people with their words….those people. Those are the ones that wound people, and they are representing Christ plus their churches. The former family and friends that have scarred me to the point of profound wounds that changed me as a person have always been the religious ones. I emphasize religious ones because they are active in church and somewhat fluent in scripture (so is the devil), but they have not love and are not Christ-like at all. And, quite frankly, the Christians who wound people deeply are the ones who push people away from God. They are the ones that make me not want to be in their faith community. Christians that damage and destroy others are the greatest case for atheism/agnosticism.

 
I've repeatedly encountered all of these issues in the bullet points above (except the church history one). This is my experience. I've also experienced loving Christians. I've experienced Christians who are welcoming, inviting, friendly, truly kind, compassionate, patient, and have the fruit of the Spirit in their lives. Those experiences matter too . . . but I'd be lying if I said the issues in the bullet points above didn't affect my Christian walk. 

It is not easy to be Christian. It is downright difficult to be Christian. Can I be honest? It’s actually easier to be atheist – well, socially. The hard thing about being Christian is not the challenges of following Jesus, although it can be rough to pick up your cross (your sacrifice) and follow in His ways. The hardest part of being Christian is not the self-discipline of denying your flesh (or worldly desires). The hardest part of being Christian is being among the Christians in the bullet points above. Those Christians – those churchy religious folk who mistreat others – push me away from church and Christian circles . . . but they can’t push me away from God himself.
 
Despite all this, I came to know Jesus and felt compelled to follow Him. Nearly 14 years later, I never lost my faith. I am His. He is mine. And I love God with the depths of my heart. My journey to him may not be your typical way to go about it, but my roots in him are firm. I will not let go; neither will he. To read about why and how I became Christian, read the next blog in the series here.